Gathering

I looked down into my lap yesterday and saw a gathering of experiences shooting out short clips of remembrance. I saw the bus driver who gave me gloves and a hat on my first day of German class because it was winter and he thought I should dress warmer. I saw the ferry that took the Heinens and me to the island of Juist where we sat and played card games. I saw the mailman walking up the driveway delivering my bike to me. I saw myself sitting in the exam room, heart racing, as I scribbled out as many grammatically correct German thoughts as possible into my essay. I saw the children running down the stairs on Christmas eve to open their presents. I saw Britta squeezing me tightly and telling me I was like a daughter to her. I saw the platform in Erkelenz where I stepped out to meet Christoph for the first time and saw him smiling. I saw the rope swing tree next to the River Rhine where I would sit and pray during my first lonely weeks. I saw Memo leaning against a lamppost in Cologne while I nervously shook his hand and stammered out what I hoped was my name. I saw Jojo running over and jumping into my arms and smacking a big kiss on my lips before leaving for school, rescuing me from one of the most homesick mornings ever. I saw myself holding a beer and speaking in broken German to Opa in the garden. I saw Gereon and I playing ping pong while I gave him girl advice. I saw myself sitting on the stairway crying and wanting to go home. I saw my mom standing in the drunkards corner by the train station in Duesseldorf with a bright pink vest and running to hug her after 13 months of her absence. I saw Johanna walking up the church aisle in her first communion dress, glowing. I saw myself biking through fields and forests and villages to Holland and wishing I never had to leave. I saw the map of Europe and the places I'd seen and discovered. I saw how much bigger the world became to me over the past 27 months. 

And now here I am, with an empty flat, suitcases on the ground and sticky notes everywhere reminding me of a day I will love and hate. 23 days from now. It's becoming clearer and more real with each morning that comes. I sit at the lunch table and get sentimental. I work on English homework with the kids and reminisce. I'm cherishing every moment that comes my way with the children and not letting myself think too hard about my emotions. I see a transformation with Gereon and Jojo from two German kids who were sweet, loving and eager to learn my language, into two mini grown ups who see me more as a sister than anything else. And I couldn't desire anything more. I was able to influence so much of their lives and they, in turn, influenced mine. They learned from me and I from them. You know, most Au Pairs don't reference their host families later after they leave. They speak of them kindly, but more as a past experience, a section of their life. As for me, I can't even bring myself to say 'my host family' but instead confuse everyone by referring to them simply as 'my family' because it's the truth. Through some of the best and worst times of my life, they were there. We've seen the worst and best of each other and there have been many moments of annoyance, embarrassment and disappointment. And that's exactly why I can call them family. I think of my family in Alaska and how madly I love them and also how much they make me want to poke my eyes out. That's how it works, isn't it? The blessing it has been to learn how to be live with and be incorporated into a German family is so much more than I imagined. It was not always easy for us to live with each other and work through the cultural differences, but it was a beautiful result. I adapted and I learned and I think they did too. I love them all ever so dearly for all that they have taught me and all the love they've given me and mostly for the amazing and passionate people that they are!!!

So I'm ready now. I'm ready to pack my bags, however sad it is, and fly to my family in Alaska. I'm ready for a new page. My pockets are full but I feel lighter than ever!