die Wahrheit

I realized I've been giving Him nothing. Absolutely zero percent of myself. Not to say that I'm not already His. But when I curled up on my couch today and looked up at the ceiling, the words came out from me before I registered what I'd even said. And there's no going back. I know now that it's true. I directed my passion, my love, my joy, my anger, my hurt, my confusion, my generosity all towards anything and everyone except for Him. The one I claim to be deeply in love with. A second realization slipped in while I was processing the first. I'm so afraid to allow myself the fullness of living in His grace because I'm afraid that I don't love Him deeply enough to faithfully follow Him knowing it's nothing I can do to earn Him. It sickens me to say that disgusting truth, but there it is. Bared before my Creator. He saw it all along, far before I did. I am living in a trap of half-hearted love and chained obedience. I want the freedom of intense love and the freedom of deep grace, every single day. I want it. My want is failing me. Terribly. And how does He respond? He provides. Bountifully. I don't doubt His existence. I don't doubt His Word. I don't doubt his wrath. I don't doubt His goodness. I doubt His love. And love...isn't that the one that binds it all together? He IS love, after all. Doubting His love doubts His very essence. And here I sit, all folded up, shut in. Reluctant to unfold myself and risk. Risk the lack of love I might have. Risk the impossibility of the greatest Love imaginable. Risk dropping all my pride and admitting that He is great enough to love me. Because I know He is. He's great enough to love the entire creation. 

That is the reality of where my heart has been the past 2 months. It's humbling for me to write this out. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I would love advice. I know it is one of the steeper, rockier sections of my path to the Lord and He will be faithful to guide me. I'm keeping my eyes on Him. Thinking of you all and missing you, as always.