Tuesday, March 19, 2013

This one's for my family

"Heimweh" literally means "home ache" and that is what I've struggled with the past few weeks. I'm not sure why since Katie is coming in a few months and then Boogie. But I miss them all so terribly and feel so ripped from their lives right now. I just don't like it and here is what I have to say about it in an attempt to lift my spirits.

Mom, I miss your uplifting smile and encouraging words. I miss how open you are about all your children's crazy ideas and how you keep supporting us through mistakes. I miss jumping on your bed late at night and being giggly and talkative while you tried to sleep. I miss how you were torn between being angry and being flattered. I miss coming to you or calling you the second I needed a question answered or a doubt confirmed and getting sound advice that I trusted. Oddly enough, I miss hearing you say ridiculous sentences to the cats with your flowery words.

Anna, I miss SO MUCH waking up to piano. I would hear it from the garage and just lay there relaxed and happy. I miss singing with you and learning the new songs you'd composed. I miss watching movies in your ice cold bed and the pride I felt when I didn't have to move once during the movie. I miss irritating you. I miss how you get really excited about something and then laugh all exuberantly while your hand does this spastic movement in front of you. I miss watching you dance.

Shannon, I miss coming to you for boy trouble and knowing you were so happy to give me advice. I miss you helping me get dressed for hip hop class. I miss your jokes and light humor in not so light situations. I miss eating around you and making you hungry. I miss how easy it was to hang out with you and have fun. I miss singing while you played guitar. I miss how deeply we understood each other in our hurts and how simple it was for us to create music through that together. 

Katie, I miss how well you know me. You can look at me less than a moment and know what's going on instantly. I don't have to try to explain anything to you. I do anyways, but only because I like to talk. I miss you laughing at my stupid, stupid jokes and I miss dancing with you. I miss having you around to talk to and share my heart with. I miss praying with you and hearing what's on your heart. I miss coming home from my day and sharing it with you. I miss you in every moment because you're not next to me in it.

Kevin, I miss your goofy laugh and jokes that get funnier as you get older. I miss how gentle you've always been with us, even though you like to jump on people and hit them. I miss that day when you weren't gentle and we wrestled and I won and mom yelled at us like we were tiny children being scolded. I miss watching your soccer games, your football games and even your baseball games! Because I miss being so proud to cheer for my brother in the stands. I miss watching you grow up and discover where you want to go in life and I wish I was there for that. I miss you.

Maranatha, I miss your sweet soul that is always full of smiles and love and beauty. I miss how loving you are and how true you are. I miss being able to tell you anything and knowing you would love me and even understand me. I miss watching you grow as a woman as you had Sienna and became the wonderful mom that you are. I miss giving you hugs. And I'm so thankful you're my sister. I miss you.

Boogie, I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs and how well you listen. I miss also how well you talk. I miss getting angry at you because you kept me up laughing when I was trying to fall asleep. I miss walking around with you and just having fun spending our day together. I miss fluffing your hair. I miss going to events or parties and knowing it wouldn't get awkward because I could always stand next to you and I'd be okay. I miss finding sticky notes in my dresser at 5 in the morning that helped me start the day when I felt dead. I miss laughing harmoniously with you.

Dad, I miss snowboarding and skiing with you. I miss going out in the woods and learning how to be tough. I miss having you there to make a fire in the middle of the forest so we could steam out our clothes. I miss going off with Shannon and peeling the bark off trees even though you told us to get leaves and sticks instead. I miss learning how to shoot a gun with you and hiking Matanuska Peak with you and Shannon. I miss learning about nature while we were outside. I miss having someone to ask confusing questions to. And I miss you saying strange things that can only invoke laughter. 

Grandma, I miss your hugs. I miss eating your soup and having breakfast of fresh grapefruit with sugar. I miss you pretending to be mad when we ate all the cookies out of the freezer. I miss going shopping with you. I miss talking about old family memories and hearing of your experiences. I miss all those days spent at your house playing and exploring. I miss you so much and I want to spend my days as a Grandma just like you because I have endless memories with you that are irreplaceable. Thank you. :)

Lord Jesus, thank you for my family. Thank you for helping my eyes to look forward when I want to keep them in the past. Thank you for the memories that remind me of how blessed I am and how rich I am, because I am filled to the brim with love! Thank you so much for teaching me through every circumstance and emotion. Please keep working within me and deepening the roots of my faith in you and your infinite love. Thank you for the promise of redemption and life with you. Thank you, Father!!!


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