It's dumping rain and I'm writing poetry

We colored outside the lines of every opportunity and drew in a sense of brighter possibility. We read between the lines of what they'd said a thousand times and we broke through all their rhymes to sketch the story of our lives.

December 11th, 2013

I'm not entirely sure, but maybe you can view this big, tangible thing in more than one way. I always saw it with a smooth surface, the same from all angles. Well, my eyes didn't lie; they were just a bit blind. Why did this thing turn on me? I liked it better flat and smooth and predictable. Pretty heavy of a thing it is, and I can't get it off with all it's twists and turns. Sitting with it tangled up in my arms, around my neck, inside my chest, I realize I've realized nothing at all and wish for revelation or temptation or something to stir. Nothing. Rage is hot but I feel very very cold. Pride is big, but I've never felt so small. Love is love but I feel nothing of it at all. 

June 28th, 2014

Come to me and love with me

Break the mold and set in stone

Our hearts among the rolling sea

Breaking, flowing eternally

Whisper softly in the breeze

Watch it float above the trees

To land upon my fingertips 

And trace your shape around my lips

Breathe in the misty melody

Of tattered inconsistency

Swept up along the soil and silt

Of castles they should not have built

Exhale the waning fantasy

To harmonize with reality

Join hands and squint into the sun

Rejoice with me, our love has won

July 2014

Please don't tell me I should have known

When he took my hand he'd never let go

And I was the devil's child as I smiled at him

And I walked with him and it wasn't pretend

Still you look at me with a narrowed eye

Such disgrace to live in the moment

Those moments flew by and affections ran dry

But our two hearts won't try to forget it


East
When the dust flies high and the falcons cry
Run east little child, run east
If the water's low and the grass won't grow
Run east little child, run east
When the doors stay locked and your heart is caught
Run east little child, run east
If you don't belong and your song is gone
Run to me little child, run to me



Sick Love, August 2014
And it's heavy and it's heavy like the
Drip, drip, dripping
Of my tears upon these pages and I'm
Grip, grip, gripping
Tightly to my sweet religion and it's
Stick, stick, sticking
To my fingers on the tips of which I'm
Lick, lick, licking.
Can the sweetness hide the inconsistency piled up in me?
And the ache inside my belly
Will the sweetness bring relief?
For my aching gut stays clenched around my giant emptiness
As I cling to you and worship you despite my loneliness.


August 2014
If you ask me, 'what is art?" then I will ask you, "what is love, what is life, what is beauty?" For these are the indefinable that are not brought to life through definition, but instead shape and define US so that WE become the definition and we are the art, love, life, beauty, in a kaleidoscope of color and variety.

Beautiful Limbo

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” 

-George Bernard Shaw

A beautiful limbo! That's where I find myself these days. Waiting and ripping. I'm being pulled back and forth between what I want and what I want. So do two wants void any want or double the want?
I spent three days in Hannover with some relatives of one of my friends. They were so gracious and opened their home to me so generously. We cooked and baked together and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Their home is on a hill overlooking the city of Hannover and I sat on the terrace and wondered how I am continuously brought to places and circumstances I could never have foreseen. My heart is thankful. I got to have a tour of a dentist office that's bigger than the house I grew up in and I daresay I enjoyed it. I spent an afternoon motorbiking through little villages and landing in Hannover eventually to stroll around and chill with other bikers and drink cappuccinos and I chilled in the coolness of everyone around me. I was brought back to the month of October in 2011 when I was freshly entering the world of Europe and I happened upon another unforeseen circumstance spending two weeks in Italy in a villa, motorbiking through the mountains and guzzling coffee like water. That was my first time on a motorbike and I remember feeling that rush, that freedom, that danger, that pure bliss of the wind through my clothes and the speed clenching my muscles. I will never forget that first day. So when I came upon another chance to feel all those feelings, I jumped on it. I did! I jumped on that motorbike and let every thought rush out of head and into the wind behind me. Moment by moment I enjoyed every one of them because I wasn't thinking about them. The rich reds and burnt oranges of the stone cottages and the cramped cobblestones underneath me and the beautiful churches and all the tiny details like the shapes of the houses and the curves of the roads, and just everything, everything. I was there. And I love it when each moment, each second hits you and explodes all over you and time is not time for a time. Pure joy.

There is a brewery nearby their home and I went to get beer for our dinner with the dad in the family. We walked in and talked with the bartender for a while and then he bought me a beer that was only brewed there and could only be drunk there. It didn't come in a bottle or a cask. And it was divine. It looked like Guinness, but tasted lighter and almost fruity, but not, because I don't like fruity beer. And it had a strength and a smoothness that words cannot describe. Once again, pure joy, every sip!

There are so many small things, small joys that I do not write down. Some moments are best left where you lived them.

I was in a small village called Springe last week and I found a new writing book. Although my current writing book is not filled, I couldn't help but to come straight home and write in it!!! It's one of the fanciest ones I've ever had and therefore I decided it only deserved fancy words. Here are my first pages worth.

You and me in a muddled mystery. The world you see is not for me and what I cling to sets you free, so let us wander in our messy, tangled mystery.

You matter to me
I matter to him
She matters to you
But where does this leave us but black and blue?


'I don't like words and I do like words'

You. Too personal and too broad at the same time.
You. Means too little and then too much.
You. Are too many to count and too few to matter.
I miss.
You.
Who?

Is love free? Does love make us free? Can love keep us free? If you love me and I love you, who began this love and who will carry it through? Always, there is a stronger lover.

My fingernails scratch off the layers of security that wrap me entirely and coil up around me; Don't you wish you could know me and live here beside me to haunt and to guide me, but your love will not find me. The skin that won't shed has turned red and gone raw and I still cannot find me inside of it all, so I frantically rip and I tear and I slip into permanent nothingness, all is irrelevant, you have no residence, no one is free.

Never

Never ever ever is anything the way I expect it! That sentence will bother my mom because it's so dramatic and leaves no room for change. But I do love a tidbit of exaggeration every once in a blue moon. Great, now I want a beer. Which actually would be no problem since I'm back in the land where beer is drunk like water! I am daily torn between missing Alaska and wanting to never again be away from my family and wanting to stay and explore here more and more and see every inch of Europe and settle here and make a life for at least a few years. The good thing is, I could very well fail in my efforts to stay here anyways, in which case my decision would be made for me! So I'm going to lay it all out nice and clearly for those who aren't aware of my current life situation:

Last year while I was still in Germany, I happened to chance upon a job opportunity in Cologne and went in for an interview at a company where I would teach Business English. I got the job and the plan has been for me to move back to Germany in May and work there. But I also had in my head to apply at universities here so I could study. So when I arrived a few weeks ago, I applied to a school and took a math test. My hopes are not exponentially high to be completely honest, because this math test involved calculus, everything was in German, and in the middle of the test, my calculator died… soooo that wasn't the best of luck. BUT I tried and I think that is the most important part of anything I do in my life. So I'm waiting to see if I get into the school so that I can decide if I'm taking the job or not and I'm also putting out my feelers for other possibilities in the case that both of my plans fail me. I love having numerous back up plans. Through all the wonderful people I know here, I've been blessed to always have a good roof over my head, a bed, food, and love and encouragement while I try to begin something in a foreign country. I couldn't ask for more and I didn't expect even half of what I've had. It's really so much more than I ever thought. The Heinens are of course the most loving family I could ever dream of having and I couldn't have accomplished all that I have in the past years without them pushing me to achieve more and always having an open door. I am so thankful for them. My dear friend Julia also opened up her living room for me and then told her parents about me, so through a series of events, I now am staying in her old room at her parents house in a small city 15 minutes by train from Cologne. From there, I am more easily able to pursue all my possibilities here in Germany. And let me tell you, they are SO generous! I felt immediately welcomed and comfortable and they showered me with hospitality. I arrived yesterday afternoon and her dad rode his bike so I could ride mine back to the house with them and learn the trail from the train station. Then he made sure I got a new bike lock, fixed my brakes, and is buying a new bed tomorrow for my room. We grilled outside in the garden and ate delicious food together and drank beer and wine and apfelschorle and it was glorious. This morning I helped prepare breakfast and it was of course, simply divine. They've given me a phone and offered to always come pick me up if I'm out late and can't catch a train, and I'm not paying for a thing… the small things matter to me right now, so having free shampoo and towels and lotion, not to mention food and everything all for free.. it's more than I ever imagined and I'm able to look through my options here without giving out all the money I worked for during my time in Alaska. I can't even express how thankful I am. So that's where I'm at right now. Tomorrow I should know if I got into the school, and I'll be speaking with many other people this week about other ideas of what I could do here, so it's going to be an exciting week! It's insanely hot here and I am taking showers daily. (Katie will be happy to hear that!) And I spent a lovely weekend with friends on the sea and barbecuing and other marvelous things. My head is pounding a little since I'm no longer used to drinking beer more than a few times a day, but other than that I'm so so happy! So for now, every day is an adventure to see what happens and what results will come. I'm loving and hating it. But mostly loving it.

We all have questions.

I'm confused about the nature of the modern world and how we live in it. We either have no drive or passion to really live and explore and do things with our lives, or we're driven for all the wrong reasons and don't even know why we're intent on being what we're trying to become and we feel void of happiness because we're not really living the way people should be, which is from the heart. Why do we work a job we hate just to save up money for no reason and put value on what we're told to put value on and go through each day being successful from the world's perspective but rotting on the inside, because sometimes a moment comes and hits us and we see what we're doing and what we're becoming and we hurt because it's not what our heart wants, we just were too weak to follow it and instead followed our idea of what the world wants from us. And that leaves us dry inside and wasted outside. We can't do that and we can't waste time, because we don't know how much of it we have and the world is a treasure chest brimming over with opportunity and we can pick and choose them and win and lose them and every jewel is a promise, not for worldly success, but for a chance to flourish and feel alive. The world says we fail? Then we take a different gem. We cannot fail. We can stop trying and we can reject opportunity. But life is not a win or lose game. It's a sit or run game. Either sit stagnantly and hopelessly or run with wide arms to catch what the air has for you and breathe it into your lungs and capture it there inside you until you must burst it out and take another gulp. Why don't we all live like this? Are we followers at heart or leaders? Are we scared of the world or overwhelmed by it? Do we listen to our insides churning and showing the truth of ourselves or do we swallow the words read and voices heard and take in all that is outside, becoming then something outside of ourself instead of pouring ourselves out into the world to evoke change? We have it all backwards. Who would each of us be without any influence but ourselves? We build ourselves out of others. Is that necessarily wrong? I don't think so. But it's sometimes sad, because in the midst of that we lose our heart and how to recognize it's pulse and we become very, very lost.

I write to lose, and in that, I gain.

This poem, or short story if the background is understood, portrays a distant but constant force inside me. In these few lines, I tell a story that's tread mile upon mile across my heart. Not every story needs an ending, but this story wants one. I end it with these words and therein mark the finish line inside my heart. A race not won; merely run.
These words are like a sticker on my soul. As I peel it off and place them on the page, it's a similar sensation to peeling away a scab. You must not be too early or the pain will be strong, and not be too late or the fun is all gone. Right in between is where it belongs. Strip it off quickly; it hurts, then it's gone.

May 26th, 2014
Eschar

Open mouth, listless stare
turn away, never care
point at her, save your face
piercing eyes.
But you didn't even look.
And I don't want you to.
Fist flies at empty air
bruises are everywhere
neck strains with stubborn pride
salt licked words.
But you didn't even hear.
And I don't want you to.
Pinch the scar, trace the line
bodies all ache with time
burns are just burns are just
burns. Mine.
But you didn't even care.
And I don't need you to.

Don't dress for success or even at all.

Fake is fake and fake is bad.

…Words of wisdom from Johanna while we sauntered through Wegberg eating our ice creams in the sunshine, racing to finish them before the sun did. How I've missed the refreshing ice cream and HOW I've missed my dear Johanna. Last night we snuggled up in her bed and I tickled her back while we listened to Greg's Tagebuch and she fell asleep tucked into my arms just as if I hadn't been gone a single day. My emotions have been swimming in the murkiest of places since being back in Germany and I'd try to explain it, but it's putting me in a muddle just thinking about explaining it. I've barely jotted down more than a few paragraphs in my journal since I've been here and for anyone who knows me, they know that's not at all very much. The outer layers of my emotions tell me not to write and not to think about any part of my journey and the residing emotions from May 20th, because they are saving me from all the tears for a time when I am stronger. The point where my mind allows me to begin from is when I lugged myself and my two suitcases, with the help of the train conductor, from the Erkelenz train station and heard Jojo scream my name. I looked up and saw her running through all the people with her arms open wide, wearing her new blue dress and a huge smile across her face. Then came Pia and Gereon and Britta. After that, I slept. And slept and slept. On Friday, I woke up in the morning and never got out of bed. I half slept all day until 6, had some dinner and took a walk and then slept all night too with the help of my old friend Nyquil. Although I was very tired, I think part of me was uninspired to get out of bed and live in my day. I just kept rolling over and shutting the day out. Depression always hits me when I first move. It doesn't necessarily mean that I've made the wrong choice, but it always happens, that heaviness that you try and pray away. Saturday was my first day feeling remotely like myself and I enjoyed it fully. I drove with the Heinens to the Eifel in the mountains to get their new puppy! 

Most mornings, the coffee cup I choose to drink from determines a lot for my day. It seems silly, but for coffee lovers, perhaps it makes sense. This morning I reached for a blue cup with seagulls on it, but the blue suddenly seemed too blue and too dark and my eyes lit instead upon a powder blue cup with a big daisy painted across it that seconded as a smile and I just knew I needed a smiling daisy to start my day. Today has been partly work, partly play, and now I need to get to some more work… that's why I'm writing a blog instead. I love procrastination. This is almost like double procrastination too, because I went and got ice cream with Jojo instead of doing my work. But now it's really time. I have to finish my application so I can hand it in this week. Tomorrow starts a scary/relieving week. Scary, because I'm going to find out if I can go to school and when I need to take the math test I've been dreading, and relieving because I'll know results and therefore, what to do from there. This week I'm also meeting with my future boss about the business English job. There are a lot of open ends and a few might get closed this week, so I'm a little on edge! 

It might not seem like it, but I'm happy to be back in Germany. I cleaned my bike today and just gazed lovingly at it for a while. Sadly, I'm no longer the outspoken one you've come to know and maybe love, but instead I'm back to the trying to get out the right words in the right order in this ridiculous language I decided to learn one. It's great fun.

I miss Alaska. More than a crazy amount. But I know I'll come back and I'm taking in where I am in the moment I'm given and learning and growing and enjoying. That's the only way for me to live. 

And look! I've got some new poems! 

Clothed in your love, untamed, no shame
I bore your weight, I wore your name
Proud on my skin I let you in.
Skipping beats and missing breaths
You watched me love you, now watch me press
My cheek onto your chest 
And memorize your face
Oh I knew every corner and line; you were my favorite place.

When you take each mystery you meet and tie them about you just tight enough to breathe, their cords will wind around and twist across and entwine throughout the shackles on your skin to break the bolts that hold you low and lift the corners of your soul that slacken from the weight of all you know and know and know you have to stop, unlock your cage and fly away in mystery.


Nothing else comes from my heart to my brain to my fingers to the pen to the paper like you do. But I don't want to write about you and your eyes and your sighs and the color of your skin with your whispers on my cheek that slip into my ears and wake me from my sleep. 
You and your kaleidoscope of glances, how they caught me and enchanted all the dull necessities of life so I could gaze forever and always and only see you.
Trying to leave you has led me astray; pushed my colored world into a dull, relentless gray, and so I grip on firmly to the precious ideal that our time could be endless and our love could be real.

Oh what I would give

To push out all the lead that's been building in my bones and dragging me along as each day brings me closer to leaving from one home to the other. I battle it every day although I know it's a battle that can't be won. Two completely different worlds it seems. And being in one strips me of my vision for the other. I can't help but adapt. The first few months being in Alaska again were so difficult. I fought through some days, and others I just cried or laid glued to my bed, aching for home, for Germany. I remember similar months back in 2011 when I moved to Germany. Well, that ache began to ease up as I found work, got into a musical, met new people, etc etc. It was beyond what I'd expected and as March rolled around, I realized I was more content then I'd planned on and this was amazing but also not part of the plan I'd organized inside my heart. Now it's going to hurt me to leave and I'd made sure I planned on it not hurting at all. That's what I get for trying to plan and organize my future so precisely. I'm sitting here now, with a swollen mouth, no more wisdom teeth and nothing to do except sleep, so I'm pushing past the exhaustion the pain meds bring on and I'm finally letting myself write out the thoughts that I've held for the past months. I haven't let myself write at all during my time here. I won't let myself because I know that when I begin to write, it all comes out. It's actually quite similar to when I'm speaking and I can't contain any small detail to anyone. But writing accesses a different part of my brain, a more intimate section and I am sometimes scared at what will come out, because I don't always like the truth. I think what hurts me the most is that I know I will get used to missing them all over again. The ones I hold so dear in my heart. I'll stop being sad at the end of my day that I can't tell Boogie about all the little things that made me laugh or smile or cry or anything really. Just being able to be involved in the lives of those I love. It hurts me that the pain will fade. And I'm scared. I'm so scared that I won't succeed. And saying that is so ridiculous, because I know so fully that success is not measured the way the world measures it. And I know that no matter what happens, I can flourish in it and learn from it. So I should not be afraid, yet I am. And I tell myself I will power through and keep going, because I believe in my dreams and the reality of working towards them is always worth it. I'm in the middle of my dreams right now and I believe that is the hardest place. This is the time where I have to work my hardest, give every inch of myself over to doing whatever I need to in order to accomplish my dreams. I'm going to do it. And that's what I convince myself of every time the shadows come and try to erase my passion and my courage. What is life for, if not to live it exactly so? Life can only truly be considered life to me if I feel alive and that comes through pursuing my passion with courage. Okay, my pep talk to myself is finished and now I'm back to reality and my mouth is aching again. Honestly, I'm more sad to leave Alaska than I ever have been. But I can flourish. I have so many joys and adventures awaiting me, and difficulties too. But I accept that and am going to let it come and embrace it all and this will strengthen my vision and fill me with life and I'm not ready for May 20th to come, but it will. And I will step onto that plane with tears pouring down my face and I'll hate myself for leaving again and love myself for going after my dreams. And yes, it's a very confusing feeling to have! But as Howard Therman put it, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." 
And some poetry, as with every post!

March 3rd, 2014
You gouge me out in tiny bits to feast upon my love
Flesh wrapped around your fingertips, you wear me like a glove
The softness of your breath slips out and swallows up my soul
It slowly burns across my chest, raw heat out of control
No definition in the lines criss-crossed throughout my mind
I've prayed to God so many times 
For sight, but I am blind
You scrape across me seamlessly, I'm collecting under your nails
And as you stop to look at me the voice inside me fails
I whisper up into your eyes, "sweet, sweet love where did you go?"
Your lips are silencing my cries; the man I love I do not know

One Side
I came from oceans and miles away
To this strange land of green and grey
My feet took me in a rhythmic glide
And laughter was stitched into my side

A traveler's heart beats wild and free
There is no place where it should be
Yet certain lands retain their mark
And leave inside a lingering spark

I walked upon a crevassed meadow
It deepened my step and darkened my shadow
Breathing the scent of grass and tree
The soil appeared as one with me

But as seasons were swept away in the air
No buds pinched the soil to hear my prayer
My heart flowed with water to quench the land
Returning with failure cupped in my hand

I came home with bruises crushed into my skin
Swollen with lies and colored with sin
Tears stain the corners of crumbling walls
Softening the stones of hope and resolve

These aren't mistakes, the choices I  make
Leading me down a path of disgrace
With dust on my face; pain all over the place
I swallow the grit of the truth I displaced

Drei Tage

Die Zeit vergeht unheimlich schnell... nach 28 Monaten, gehe ich wieder zurück nach Hause in Alaska. Während meiner Zeit in Deutschland, habe ich eine Sprache Prüfung bestanden, eine neue Kultur kennengelernt, und auch noch andere Dinge geschafft. Aber ich komme nicht nur mit etwas in der Hand zurück, sondern auch mit etwas in meinem Herzen. Und das ist am wichtigsten, oder? Obwohl ich in fünf Monaten wieder zurück komme, werde ich meine "zweite Familie" sehr vermissen. Die haben mir die Kultur in Deutschland gezeigt und mich in der Familie Willkommen hießen. Ich weiß immer noch den Moment, als ich Christoph zum ersten mal am Bahnhof gesehen hab und wie er mich angelächelt hat. Genau dann wusste ich, dass diese Familie die richtige Familie für mich wäre... und ich hatte Recht! Ich denke an die Kinder und wie sie mich ganz am Anfang gegrüßt hatten, als ich zum ersten mal da war. Ich kam durch die Tür rein und sie kamen die Treppen runter mit Schlafanzüge an und schaute mich süß und schüchtern an. Die Britta hatte mich umarmt und das war's. Familie. :) Und nun muss ich mich zusammenreißen und mich auf Sonntag vorbereiten! Vor ein paar Tagen, lag die Johanna und ich im Bett und sie hat mich umarmt und leise geflüstert, "Karly, I don't want that you go." Ein paar Tränen kamen aus meinen Augen raus als wir da im Dunkelheit lagen. Dann hat sie gefragt ob ich singen konnte, genau wie ich früher immer gesungen hatte. Ich sang ein paar Weihnachtslieder und danach lag ich eine weile neben ihr und versucht den Moment zu genießen. Wenn ich an Gereon denke, dann merke ich wie er sich geändert hat. Nicht mehr ist er ein kleiner Junge, sondern ein junger Mann. Er ist so witzig, manchmal muss ich einfach nur lachen wenn er etwas sagt. Am Anfang, hatte er Angst vor Englisch sprechen und jetzt spricht er unglaublich viel und hat auch Lust drauf!!! Ich freue mich so sehr für ihn und ich bin stolz auf die beiden und wie gut sie Englisch sprechen können. Ich habe nur geredet und mit den Kindern gespielt. DIE haben super Englisch ganz alleine gelernt! Ich würde sagen, ab nach Alaska mit den beiden!
Deutschland ist wie meine zweite zu Hause und ich freue mich schon auf Mai. Ich danke alle meine Freunden, die ich kennengelernt habe und freue mich auf unseren Wiedersehen. Danke, dass ihr in meinem Leben seid!
Am Sonntag, werde ich bestimmt weinen, aber freuen wird auch dabei sein. Meine Familie habe ich unglaublich viel vermisst und auf die Zeit mit denen endlich wieder zu verbringen freue ich mich riesig. Besonders der Moment wenn ich die alle zum ersten mal sehe. :) Daran muss ich denken und dann geht's mir gut, trotz die traurige Gefühle, die auch dabei sind. Ich verabschiede mich nicht, sondern sage ich nur, "bis dem nächsten mal!"

Gathering

I looked down into my lap yesterday and saw a gathering of experiences shooting out short clips of remembrance. I saw the bus driver who gave me gloves and a hat on my first day of German class because it was winter and he thought I should dress warmer. I saw the ferry that took the Heinens and me to the island of Juist where we sat and played card games. I saw the mailman walking up the driveway delivering my bike to me. I saw myself sitting in the exam room, heart racing, as I scribbled out as many grammatically correct German thoughts as possible into my essay. I saw the children running down the stairs on Christmas eve to open their presents. I saw Britta squeezing me tightly and telling me I was like a daughter to her. I saw the platform in Erkelenz where I stepped out to meet Christoph for the first time and saw him smiling. I saw the rope swing tree next to the River Rhine where I would sit and pray during my first lonely weeks. I saw Memo leaning against a lamppost in Cologne while I nervously shook his hand and stammered out what I hoped was my name. I saw Jojo running over and jumping into my arms and smacking a big kiss on my lips before leaving for school, rescuing me from one of the most homesick mornings ever. I saw myself holding a beer and speaking in broken German to Opa in the garden. I saw Gereon and I playing ping pong while I gave him girl advice. I saw myself sitting on the stairway crying and wanting to go home. I saw my mom standing in the drunkards corner by the train station in Duesseldorf with a bright pink vest and running to hug her after 13 months of her absence. I saw Johanna walking up the church aisle in her first communion dress, glowing. I saw myself biking through fields and forests and villages to Holland and wishing I never had to leave. I saw the map of Europe and the places I'd seen and discovered. I saw how much bigger the world became to me over the past 27 months. 

And now here I am, with an empty flat, suitcases on the ground and sticky notes everywhere reminding me of a day I will love and hate. 23 days from now. It's becoming clearer and more real with each morning that comes. I sit at the lunch table and get sentimental. I work on English homework with the kids and reminisce. I'm cherishing every moment that comes my way with the children and not letting myself think too hard about my emotions. I see a transformation with Gereon and Jojo from two German kids who were sweet, loving and eager to learn my language, into two mini grown ups who see me more as a sister than anything else. And I couldn't desire anything more. I was able to influence so much of their lives and they, in turn, influenced mine. They learned from me and I from them. You know, most Au Pairs don't reference their host families later after they leave. They speak of them kindly, but more as a past experience, a section of their life. As for me, I can't even bring myself to say 'my host family' but instead confuse everyone by referring to them simply as 'my family' because it's the truth. Through some of the best and worst times of my life, they were there. We've seen the worst and best of each other and there have been many moments of annoyance, embarrassment and disappointment. And that's exactly why I can call them family. I think of my family in Alaska and how madly I love them and also how much they make me want to poke my eyes out. That's how it works, isn't it? The blessing it has been to learn how to be live with and be incorporated into a German family is so much more than I imagined. It was not always easy for us to live with each other and work through the cultural differences, but it was a beautiful result. I adapted and I learned and I think they did too. I love them all ever so dearly for all that they have taught me and all the love they've given me and mostly for the amazing and passionate people that they are!!!

So I'm ready now. I'm ready to pack my bags, however sad it is, and fly to my family in Alaska. I'm ready for a new page. My pockets are full but I feel lighter than ever! 

Hands held high

No other way to give them up except to throw them in the air. All my cares. I'm feeling like I first did when I arrived in Germany. Those beginning months where you're scared and sad and feel crazy emotional and not entirely like yourself. Turns out that the last three months and the first three months really aren't all that different. Instead of crying or screaming or pouting (all of which I've tried and it didn't help) I sat down and wrote like a fanatic. Here are some small portions of what spilled out.


Joy.
His paint is brushing across her skin
Coloring each crevice and curve of her body with elegance and ease
Slivers of light gleam daintily through the panes of her eyes
And she cries, she cries.
He is bright, he brings light to her form
Shadowing in the corners of her soul
Erasing errors with a gentle stroke
Swirls of color rush across her 
And she cries, she cries.
Alive inside the wild streaks of blues and golds
Her tears fall freely and fully 
Colored drops fall from her skin to his 
Coating him in his art, his love
And he cries, he cries.



Maybe I'm teetering on the edge of your grace
I tighten my face
You can lower my place, just don't take grace
The splendor of the heavens could be dim lit for me
I don't need to see
All that I plea is don't take grace
Hell's fire could tickle the soles of my feet
I don't mind the heat
As long as I leap up into your grace
But I don't understand, I don't understand
Do we all fit in your hand?
Tell me you can, tell me your plan
Please be bigger than I am.

Observations
I have a wild heart and I don't always do things the way others think I should. Sometimes I'm a fool, sometimes I'm stubborn, sometimes I care way too much of how others think of me. And sometimes I don't know the reason why I get up every morning and live. I don't know what keeps me breathing. Suppose it was hope. If I didn't hope for the next breath I would not take it. Each breath is a tiny fulfilled hope. I have to believe just to breathe. But hopes are not just tiny. There are bigger ones like hoping for a pleasant day or hoping for the strength to conquer a struggle or hoping for the mastering of a skill and those hopes keep us breathing in and out. So if I can have small hope and big hope, what about eternal hope? Because we all know that at any time our next breath won't come. At one point all of us will have that hope fail us. But there must be an eternal hope, one that all the other hopes were built upon, were formed out of. I hold this eternal hope that strengthens all the smaller hopes within the expansion of my lungs. A hope that there is more than this life. The hope that all the constrictions in my heart and strains on my soul will be lifted. Hope for that emptiness in my eyes to be filled and the questions in my mind to be at rest. With every breath I'm hoping for Love to come for me and smooth my every crease that I may finally have life.

Clings to the tree, bound but free; green
Loosens hold, doesn't want to be told; gold
Twirls to the ground, flutters down; brown
We are all leaves.

Expressions

Senses

I see a dying world; in need. 
I see a search for comfort; in religion.
There is a craving to know it all; in vain.
There is a perception of weakness; in reliance. 
I hear wails and cries of the lonely; they seek.
I hear haughty scoffs and higher thoughts; they devour.
There is a ruler within; him or me.
There is a truth; bound or free.
I taste a war; bleeding hearts.
I taste an evil; fiery darts.
There is a way; victory.
There is a fall; sinfully.
I smell a fear; it grips on tight.
I smell a love; it brings on light.
There is a sorrow; alive in sleep.
There is an ache; pressing deep.
I touch a shaking shoulder; surrender.
I touch a tear-stained cheek; grace.
There is a reason; faithfully.
There is a cure; entirely. 
Listen.




July 2nd, 2013
She pressed her cheek against his chest
And let him lay her down to rest
The sweetness of her sleeping form
Curled up inside his loving arms
This girl has beauty time can't age
He opened the act upon her stage
Of life, she has life
He has taken her strife
She is pure, she is free
Longing tugs inside me
Prick and prod and bleed me out
A reddened drop for every doubt
Of hope
I have none in my veins
Too late
Time and sin stole him away.

June 23rd, 2013
Bending whispers through the trees, you stir a restlessness in me. A look around cannot recall a world without you standing tall. You throw down glimpses of your love, there is no need to look above. You are everything I see, I am at peace; you are in me.

July 2nd, 2013

Years will not change the heart in me that pulses with emotion and fills me to the brim and pushes out of me all the joys and tears and delicate things that remain trapped in the hard hearts of those ashamed to spill torrents of passion and let the tears join in the waterfall of life pouring from their souls as they feel feel feel and never dry out, except they have this fear clogging their throat, their eyes and their heart and release is ever distancing as they dry up in their dusty shells of bodies and this is why I can't be unthankful for any abundance of any flood of feeling, for in that flow I am free and alive and my heart beats bigger with every drop of emotion I spill to the world and for you.

July 8th, 2013
Let your blood heal my soul
Clean my heart, fill the hole
Cover me Jesus with your wings
Every effort on you I fling
Sin is dead, you live in me
My All in All, great Mystery.

Loser loser pumpkin eater!

Sometimes Johanna cheats in games and that really makes me crazy. So I call her a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. And she really loves that so much that she cheats much more frequently! She has also incorporated it into many of her day to day conversations except in strange ways, like loser loser pumpkin eater and loser eater pumpkin cheater. I try not to laugh, but it is actually really funny. Today we were hanging out in the garden and I taught her how to do a handstand and a cartwheel. It was sweet. She listened so well to all the instructions I gave her on her form and within 30 minutes had mastered both skills! And Gereon learned the word skill today in his vocabulary. He is also able to ask me for a napkin now instead of a serviette! After only 18 months of me drilling the word into his brain! But really, I'm so proud. I've been teaching Jojo some silly phrases and some of our current favorites are "are you ready to rumble?" and "That's how that cookie crumbles." Her saying those in her accent are quite indescribably hilarious. We also say wicked now instead of cool. Today we were trying to move a spider from the terrace to the grass but he didn't want to go and after a few minutes Jojo crushed him with a stick. I told her that he was now in spider heaven. That got us on the subject of animals in heaven and I was raving excitedly about how wonderful it will be to snuggle up with lions and not have them eat you. She got so excited during our conversation that after a moment of silent she stares into the distance and says, "I want to die now." Soooo I guess I should be a bit less excited about heaven! ;) She was learning how to ride her unicycle today and my arms are red and worn from her death gripping them. When cars would pass we stopped and made cool poses on the side of the road together. It made me miss Kristen. While we walked up the drive way she says to me, "Karly you can take this Einrad now" and tried to hand me the unicycle. I replied, "No you are a big girl. And you have big hands that can carry that big unicycle over to that big porch." We walk in silence for a moment and then she says, "That is much of big." Ah man, I love her. And now I have to relate all the other ridiculous words that came to pass this week:

While I'm chasing Jojo in order to tickle her:
"You can run but you can't hide." - Me
"You can poop and fart." - Jojo

As I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher:
"Nasty, I just got tea on my socks!" 
"You are so ew." - Gereon

The kids and I built a swing where the hammock used to be. We were having a jumping competition and as Jojo began her turn, Gereon grabbed the ropes and yelled hysterically to me, "Karly, we must anschubsen her!" 

"I'm too good for my world." - Gereon

I'm officially signed up for the B2 German Language Test next month!!! I'm ridiculously nervous. And there's no going back or else I pay 200 euros. God help me! 

We're all the same; we need your love.

The kids have been slaying me with their ridiculous sentences the past few weeks. I literally start laughing so hard I can't breathe and then I run and grab a sticky note so I won't forget it! Here is my collection from the past weeks:

A conversation with Gereon about Call of Duty, while I interjected with the English words the entire time he spoke: "There was an Ecke and I stood in it and a man was in the middle and then I drücken all the Knopfen and messered him!" (corner, pushed, buttons, knifed)

"Karly, how much do you wieg?" - Jojo (weigh)

When I began to beat Jojo in chess:
"What now, brown cow!"  - Me 
"I'm not brown." - Jojo "
But you're a cow?" - Me

Discussing her sugar addictions.
"Not good things gleich yummy!" - Jojo (equals)

"One time we retten ein Eichhörnchen." - Jojo (saved a squirrel) 

"I don't can beschreiben that!" - Jojo (describe)

"I must vertraue you now." - Jojo (trust)

"Look at all the Schmetterlinge! There's one, and there's two. They are all over." - Gereon

And with their German accents, it's really just so indescribably darling.

I read the book of Hosea last week and it's the first time I've read continuously through it in one sitting. It's so saddening to read. The sorrow of the Lord at the rejection from his beloved people is so emotional. He calls them to Him and longs that they long to know Him. In chapter 6 verse 3 it says, "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord." And in chapter 7 verse 14 it says, "They do not cry to me from the heart, but they wail upon their beds." I found that so intense, because as fallen people, we desperately need God and crave His love, but we so often don't choose it. We sit in our sorrow and pain and don't turn our hearts to Him. He wants a relationship with us and we're always choosing everything else that lies before our eyes, these things that never satisfy. They never ever satisfy. And Jesus satisfies and He loves you and calls to you in your pain to run to Him and trust Him. What a fallen people we are to reject Him. Sweet, sweet grace, how thankful I am for you! My heart cannot choose Him on my own; He is my Helper and Redeemer. And He will never stop the work He started in me!!! Philippians 1:6 - "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 
And now to speak of evil... I think people define evil sometimes very broadly or only in headline news stories or only when they've personally been deeply hurt by evil. But evil is more than that isn't it? It's sometimes little and sometimes fun and pretty easy and sometimes it seems very good. And sometimes it seems non-existent, because let's face it: the world is quite often really quite a blast and it's easy to be very happy in it. It's definitely black and white, but we tend to let the white be how we see the world instead of the black. For me personally, I don't always register the hugeness and deepness and broadness of evil and how it can devour anything in it's path. I was reading an article about this man who'd been doing illegal abortions and as I read through the stories I burst into tears and felt the power of evil in this world. I was sickened by evil, I felt deep sorrow for evil and I didn't understand how God could love that man through it all. And then I remembered a very very sad thing that humbled me profoundly. The same evil that pumps through his veins pumps through mine. I have the same capabilities to produce evil as he does. We have wicked hearts that need a cure. I sat there crying out to God and asking why this happened and if justice would come to the poor babies who were killed within seconds of finding life and breath outside of the womb. And in my frustration, I remembered a few verses in Psalm 37: "He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" And I trust that the Lord will bring justice to every evil thing that has happened here and will happen and is happening right now. Evil that I've done and evil that everyone else does. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But he is faithful and just and He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And slowly, my crying turned into a sober understanding of what is to come and how exquisitely precious it will be to see justice brought to evil and tears turned to laughter, sorrow turned to joy, the dead souls brought to life in Christ Jesus. Praise the Lord for this!!!

I never thought I'd be someone to speak of the weather, but SPRING IS HERE!!! And how glorious it feels to breathe in the fresh, warm, sweetly scented air! I biked through it this morning to get bread for Gereon and I (we're alone today!) and I couldn't stop smiling, even up the hills! The birds are chirping everywhere, the flowers are blooming, the grass is continuously greener and I'm wearing tank tops again. It's a good thing. Yesterday I biked to Holland and the blue skies poured sunshine down on my back! I enjoyed being sweaty, simply because it was so new to feel so warm outside again. I don't know if it's just the weather, or what, but I have had a heart overflowing with thankfulness and joy. And usually it's always a battle to not get sucked into the whirlpool of dissatisfaction and irritation, etc etc. But lately I've had this joy I can't get rid of! And oddly enough, I'm really thankful that the Lord is blessing me with a thankful heart! It's beautiful, how when you truly and completely open yourself up to let Him in, He comes immediately and works strongly inside of you. And naturally, what's inside begins to pour out of you and surround your life. It's amazing to be in His embrace.

Just another bend in this road.

As a prelude to this post, I met with a pastor last weekend to discuss Bible schools and future mission work. It was my first real step forward after the past 8 or 9 months of speaking with a contact from ECM about my possible interest in missionary work here in Europe. Friday morning I walked to the train station in Wegberg to begin my journey to Rostock, a city in East Germany right at the tippity top by the Baltic Sea. I sat on the train for almost 8 hours, watching the fields and cottages pass me by while I wrote poems and listened to music. It was relatively lovely, although I sat for far too long. I was warmly welcomed by the Libuda family at the Rostock Hbf and enjoyed a relaxed evening having some dinner and meeting everyone. I said my first 'out loud' prayer in German before we ate. :) Saturday afternoon I went ice skating with some of the young people at the church and then we went to the Easter Market in town and drank Glühwein, ate candied almonds and went on a ride that was so scary I was screaming with fear and the guy actually stopped the ride and asked me, "Möchten Sie aussteigen?" while everyone stared at me...low point of the day for Karly! I stayed on, but I'm not sure how. In the evening I spent time with Klaus discussing what needed discussing. :) Easter Sunday was unlike any Easter I've ever celebrated. Before I came on this trip I was hesitant, because I was inclined to spend Easter at my home church in Dusseldorf. But after praying about it, I felt led to come to Rostock and was excited to see what the Lord had in store for me. Sunday morning, I walked with Katarina (the girl I stayed with) through some snowy paths to the Rostock community center which is where the church meets. The building was bright orange and pretty small. We set up chairs and tables and set the dishes out all pretty and festive. We prepared a Sunday brunch all together as a church and then enjoyed a time of fellowship while we ate! I loved it! And Klaus said a few words about the Resurrection, read from the Bible, and then I gave my first ever German speech. When he asked me if I'd come forward and talk about what I was doing in Rostock, and what I had in mind for the future, etc I felt like I should be nervous, but God was so encouraging to me and I wasn't afraid! I got up and just relaxed so the words would come out... and they did! It was a small thing, but a big step for me. We all went as a group to Warnemünde, which is the beach area by the Baltic Sea. It was breathtaking and reminded me of Juist. Looking across the water, Klaus told me that Denmark was just across and that I could take a ferry over for 10 euros. I'm definitely coming back. :) I was asked if I wanted to go ice swimming in the Sea and I was kinda hesitant because my bones already were freezing! The day was really cold and windy. But then I thought how deeply I would regret missing an opportunity to jump into the Baltic Sea in winter time. I mean, come on. I would definitely regret not doing that. So I borrowed a tee shirt and shorts from Katarina and stripped down right there on the beach like a true East German! Okay, not true. I wore my coat as long as possible so I was covered until the last second. And then they all just started running towards the water, so I ran after them screaming and the point where I touched that icy water is the point where I can't even describe how it felt. It was the most enthralling experience and I got such an adrenaline rush! Once it got deeper and the waves started coming towards my head, I began to swim and then dove under and let my head be completely immersed. I could barely breath because my chest was aching from the cold and I kept yelling and then suddenly I was toasty warm and began to swim back to the shore! I felt like I had goosebumps on my bones and I jumped up and down on the beach while I tried to get dressed but my body was so stiff that I could hardly take my clothes off, I barely got my shirt on, and I had to have my friend Nadin zip up my jeans. It was a bonding moment for us. :) Then I ate some Easter chocolate and went back to Katarina's. Later that evening, we had a game night and played our own version of pictionary, boys against girls. We chose the most impossible things to draw and it was a vicious game! We ate pancakes, drank wine, ate chocolate and I won a long game of gummy bear poker. It was a lovely evening of laughter! On Monday I said farewell to the wonderful group of people I'd met and started the long trek home. There was a delay on one of my trains and then I missed my other connections, so I went to the info office and got a free taxi ride back home! The guy was funny and we listened to The Rolling Stones on top volume as we drove to Wegberg. He was dancing along and singing and it was so silly and great! And now I'm home and all my things are clean again and I feel good. :) And now to the most important part....

I've been in contact with a man named Frank from ECM, which is a ministry agency. Here is the website: http://www.ecmi-usa.org/index.php
To be honest, I had no idea if I was serious about working for them when I first began researching mission opportunities here. As I spoke with Frank about a possible interest, he gave me so much information and we began taking in detail about the possibilities I had before me. We spent the last 9 months or so skyping and emailing about ideas. I kept mulling it over in my head and never quite knew what I felt. It was scary imagining having a commitment for a certain amount of years and I felt insecure in deciding anything formally. We continued speaking, and he interviewed me and wrote out an assessment which he then sent to Klaus in Rostock. So last weekend, I came to meet Klaus knowing only that I was going to ask for advice on Bible schools and the possibility of mission work through ECM. When I arrived, it because quickly clear that God had been working a lot more behind the scenes than I was aware of. Klaus found me a Bible school in a district outside of Berlin which I would attend for a year. It's in German and he said I had enough knowledge of the language to understand and learn from the program. He showed me the charts and percentages that showed the amount of people who believed in "god" in East Germany, and it's extremely low. Also, the children's poverty is very low in that area. Through ECM, they would put me into East Germany, perhaps in Berlin or somewhere near there and I would work with church planting ministries and focus on children's ministry, which is desperately needed. So as we sat there looking through charts, discussing the mission work and what the work looked like and as I listened to his stories, it became so clear to me and I felt a bit shaky with the realization that I want to work in East Germany as a missionary. And then I began to wonder while we sat there talking if the Lord had this in my plan all along, and coming here in 2011 was the beginning of his preparation for me as my heart fell in love with Germany, and as I matured in myself and my faith from stepping out on my own. And that was my first little step, and now this is my second, and who knows what my third will be. And then it was like a slideshow in my brain and I could see it all when I first came to Germany and who I was and what I thought I came here for and how God led me through this journey and worked in my heart and desires to lead me to this point. I'm really scared. And I'm at peace about it. So here is what we worked out tentatively... I start by telling people that I want to be a missionary in East Germany, get the word out, and begin making preparations for raising funds. This summer I'll take my German language test, then I'll come home for Christmas this year and stay until October saving up money for the Bible school and raising funds for the ministry after school. In October 2014 I'll attend the Bible school for a year and then most likely step straight into wherever they send me. I'll have more details in the portfolio I'll be making with all the information. It will include where I'm going, what I'm doing there, statistics on faith and poverty, etc etc. What I can say now, is please pray for me as I prepare myself for this next step and please consider whether you'd be willing to support me financially in the future. Thank you!

And to end, here's a new idea I tried out. I wanted to have this poem feel continuous and slightly overwhelming so I wrote it all without any punctuation. I'm happy with how it turned out!


Without End
My back finds the bed and my eyes find the ceiling and my mind finds your face and my tears find my hair as they slide under my neck and choke me from within while they lace around my throat like a simple string of pearls and now a strange sort of heat has been building in my bones and it wraps around my thighs and creeps around my waist and entwines around my fingers and what is happening what is happening because I'm feeling something or maybe everything and it's sometimes fear and sometimes sadness but sometimes anger and sometimes love and love is pursing my lips together and they won't press any tighter so my softly slipping tears have turned to torrents and they drown me oh they drown me but all I did was think of you as I laid down on this bed but it brought me to my knees and pulled me to my face and stripped me of my life and brought me to the end.

Write it out!

This weekend is new and scary and exciting. And I will explain more next week! I've always loved to write. But especially in the past 19 months, I've developed a deep love for writing about all sorts of different concepts. I finally understand what Anna said when she told me she pretends to write from other people's perspectives. Because my own life just isn't enough I guess! Anyways, my train ride to Rostock inspired some writing to take place. I'm contemplating putting together a compilation of my stories and making a book! The first three are from today and the others are from the past few months. And there are yet older ones on facebook. 

Weakling

Little skeleton branch, why do you perch on that solid trunk? Does your pride keep you clinging or is it that voice in the wind stirring you to strain for strength? You are not strong, you know. It seems that one stormy night would break you off and snap you into miniscule, insignificant fragments. I want to tell you that you're a fool and that you aim too high. But somehow there is beauty in your frailty. The trunk holds you firm and you've placed yourself in it's sturdy foundation. And in that beautiful frailty I see a sort of strength. And I long for it. I look much better than you and much stronger and I seem secure through every storm, but I am dying and you are living. The storms wear me down and weaken me. But you? They only seem to strengthen your little skeleton self. I want to have strength, but only for myself and from myself. The view of you on that trunk is distant to me now as I carve my own way through the wind and sleet. I can't give up my precious mirage of strength that clothes me so securely. You are naked and ugly and you are weak and frail. But you are living and I am dying. What you found I cannot find a way to want. The only thing I do want is to want it. You've found rest and a peculiar beauty and a tender strength. And I will continue growing in my own strength, stronger and stronger until I die. And I am dying and you are living.

To Stop, To Turn, To Look

Oh, to have eyes in the back of my head. I'd continue looking at you while moving forward. To keep my gaze on light and beauty deters me from the thorny trail that leads to you. For all the could bes and what ifs and might have beens instead there lies only my muddy footprints as a constant display of my unattainable, ever distancing desire. You are a thorn in my flesh, you are clinging to my skin, and you are inside of me. No matter that I passed you by and kept treading forward. No matter, because you linger on my body. Ever present, ever painful, ever constant to remind the flesh of what the heart is without. Though my skin is covered with your presence, my heart remains empty. I miss you and I never had you. I want you and I never got you. I love you and I never stop.

Lose it

I wish I could lose his love. Accidentally drop it in the ditch or leave it behind in a restaurant. But love, like honey, is sticky and sweet. My soul clings to him, my heart is swept away with him, and I wish I could lose love. He's drawing my head to his chest and this pulls me into an eternalized moment, held captive by time only through the constant beat of his heart against my cheek. And suddenly I am the one that's lost.

Ghost

When his arms surround me, time is made to rest. Intertwining fingers, love, you love the best. Pouring from my eyes, my heart, are words without a voice. I tilt my head to look at you, my love, my reason to rejoice.

  

What a big world that I am trapped in. I walk the streets, see the pretty lights, hear the music from the clubs, and my bones go cold for lack of you. What a strange, tender love that I have fallen into. I step into a bar, dance the night away, and let a smile lift my cheeks to hold up the tears seeking escape. This world is big without you in it. My body is foreign without you beside it. If I could climb out of the earth that surrounds me like a pit, then I could crawl into your arms and rest in your timeless embrace. But this big world has trapped me and as it it swallows, it rips me further and further away from any shred of hope that your face would be before my eyes once again. I let the night be cold on my skin as I slip away into the dark streets. I sit down and pour out my heart on the pavement until I am empty of me and empty of you. And there on the stones, we are together. 

Finger-painting with your blood

I draw the story of our love

Smear you all across the page

Wipe my hands upon my face

My fiery words devoured your flesh

Crept to your heart and turned to ash

I watched your eyes slide into death

They looked towards me with innocence

Your soul is soaked in sweet, sweet mercy

My hands are wet, they're cold and bloody

I drug the dagger through my chest

To rip away the emptiness

My eyes are turning to the sky

Your ashes lightly drifting by

A fire seeps into my skin

Hot shame that burns me deep within

My hands they clawed into my chest

And ripped away the selfishness

It's residue clings to my fingers

My sin, my sin forever lingers

For What Was

Sadness comes over me and seeps inside of me. I grab hold tightly of Anger and swallow him quickly as he burns down my throat. All too soon, Pain is within me and he blends into Anger and Sadness. Crippling Fear manages to stir its way into the concoction whirring inside my gut. And then Vulnerability slips into my mouth and creeps down my throat. She weaves her way into the churning tumbles of my insides and sends herself into my veins so that I'm enveloped, devoured by her. She overwhelms me and even Fear isn't strong enough inside me to open his eyes and fight. Fear, Pain and Anger cower inside my belly while Vulnerability defeats my being, mocking me for what was.

Spetember 10th, 2012

And just when I was done with it all, I came back and crawled over to your lap and you took me gently. But when all the rules have been broken, I won't need you anymore to tell me what to do or how to say what I'd like to say, except that all the good things in this world come at the most terrible cost.

A Stones Throw Away

I put my cozy, wool socks from Italy on, painted my nails black and straightened my hair and now I've snuggled myself into this desk chair to write about anything and everything. I have the entire afternoon free this Saturday and I'm going stir crazy. I've been sick all week and being calm was so annoying. Now other than a stuffy nose, my old self is back and I feel like jumping out into an ice cold ocean or running through a jungle or something crazy that doesn't involve being at home drinking tea.  Not that I don't love drinking tea while reading a good book...but I'm bubbling over with the want of something bright and fun. I want to go out dancing or take a run along the Rhine or even jump into the Rhine! And somehow this evening finds me completely alone in my room. At this desk. So I will write. I have to continuously learn that life brings you what you usually don't expect and quite often what you don't particularly want. I have a day that I don't actually want and I'm trying to solve that problem. My hair feels soft and smooth and my nails make me think of Boogie and my feet are warm and snuggly, but it's just not cutting it. What can cut it though? Will these words slice right through my dissatisfaction? I don't think they will. Instead I will let my thoughts wander onto this screen and let the minutes slip away as I drift into the world of words. Sometimes it's hard to delve deep into my purest, untouched thoughts. The ones no one invaded and wrapped their opinion around. The pure thoughts surprise me. They are light from the lack of weight of pre-concieved ideas. Because then I am one layer. No opinions wrap me up. I fear entering that place where all is accepted but never penetrates the heart or sparks the tingling inside your body. Emotion is scary. It's embarrassing and it's dramatic. It can be laughed at or scoffed at and it can be confusing to some and clear to others. Emotion is something greatly feared but greatly desired. I cannot deny emotion in my life, and not only because I am young and growing and learning. But because it's untouchable in it's purity. It sits on the floor of our hearts and explores it's way through our soul. It pours out through our eyes, comes out from our voices, and exudes from our bodies. Emotion brings both deep pain and bright joy. And if you haven't noticed yet, I'm quite at ease with being emotional!!! 

My mind is turning now to some exciting facts from the past week. I'd been pondering what I'd do for Christmas this year. December is when I'm done being an Au Pair and my initial thought was to start directly with Bible School here in Europe. But then I wanted to see my family over Christmas and then I spoke with my engaged sister who might be getting married in April or May 2014. And then I figured that'd be quite dumb to be flying back and forth from Alaska to Germany and also impossible to afford. And also it's not nice if I fly down just for the wedding and I wouldn't really feel like a part of it. Sooooo I'm contemplating coming home for Christmas (Joe said they'd pay for me!!!!!) and then staying until the wedding so I can be 100% involved in the wedding, spend quality time with my family and save up money for school. Then I'd go back to Germany in the summer or fall to start school. I'm not sold on this plan yet, but it's been lurking in my mind and I'd love prayer about it!!! Being home would be a blessing for me but also hard. But then knowing that I'd be returning to Germany at a specific time would be nice so I wouldn't get too sad. Another prayer request is for my German test. I'm taking it in June and I really want to pass!!! It's really challenging in school and I'm feeling confident but also knowing anything could go wrong so please keep me in your prayers over these next few months! 

Well, this was one of my odder blogs. It's time for some music, some cooking and some wine! Tata for now!

This one's for my family

"Heimweh" literally means "home ache" and that is what I've struggled with the past few weeks. I'm not sure why since Katie is coming in a few months and then Boogie. But I miss them all so terribly and feel so ripped from their lives right now. I just don't like it and here is what I have to say about it in an attempt to lift my spirits.

Mom, I miss your uplifting smile and encouraging words. I miss how open you are about all your children's crazy ideas and how you keep supporting us through mistakes. I miss jumping on your bed late at night and being giggly and talkative while you tried to sleep. I miss how you were torn between being angry and being flattered. I miss coming to you or calling you the second I needed a question answered or a doubt confirmed and getting sound advice that I trusted. Oddly enough, I miss hearing you say ridiculous sentences to the cats with your flowery words.

Anna, I miss SO MUCH waking up to piano. I would hear it from the garage and just lay there relaxed and happy. I miss singing with you and learning the new songs you'd composed. I miss watching movies in your ice cold bed and the pride I felt when I didn't have to move once during the movie. I miss irritating you. I miss how you get really excited about something and then laugh all exuberantly while your hand does this spastic movement in front of you. I miss watching you dance.

Shannon, I miss coming to you for boy trouble and knowing you were so happy to give me advice. I miss you helping me get dressed for hip hop class. I miss your jokes and light humor in not so light situations. I miss eating around you and making you hungry. I miss how easy it was to hang out with you and have fun. I miss singing while you played guitar. I miss how deeply we understood each other in our hurts and how simple it was for us to create music through that together. 

Katie, I miss how well you know me. You can look at me less than a moment and know what's going on instantly. I don't have to try to explain anything to you. I do anyways, but only because I like to talk. I miss you laughing at my stupid, stupid jokes and I miss dancing with you. I miss having you around to talk to and share my heart with. I miss praying with you and hearing what's on your heart. I miss coming home from my day and sharing it with you. I miss you in every moment because you're not next to me in it.

Kevin, I miss your goofy laugh and jokes that get funnier as you get older. I miss how gentle you've always been with us, even though you like to jump on people and hit them. I miss that day when you weren't gentle and we wrestled and I won and mom yelled at us like we were tiny children being scolded. I miss watching your soccer games, your football games and even your baseball games! Because I miss being so proud to cheer for my brother in the stands. I miss watching you grow up and discover where you want to go in life and I wish I was there for that. I miss you.

Maranatha, I miss your sweet soul that is always full of smiles and love and beauty. I miss how loving you are and how true you are. I miss being able to tell you anything and knowing you would love me and even understand me. I miss watching you grow as a woman as you had Sienna and became the wonderful mom that you are. I miss giving you hugs. And I'm so thankful you're my sister. I miss you.

Boogie, I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs and how well you listen. I miss also how well you talk. I miss getting angry at you because you kept me up laughing when I was trying to fall asleep. I miss walking around with you and just having fun spending our day together. I miss fluffing your hair. I miss going to events or parties and knowing it wouldn't get awkward because I could always stand next to you and I'd be okay. I miss finding sticky notes in my dresser at 5 in the morning that helped me start the day when I felt dead. I miss laughing harmoniously with you.

Dad, I miss snowboarding and skiing with you. I miss going out in the woods and learning how to be tough. I miss having you there to make a fire in the middle of the forest so we could steam out our clothes. I miss going off with Shannon and peeling the bark off trees even though you told us to get leaves and sticks instead. I miss learning how to shoot a gun with you and hiking Matanuska Peak with you and Shannon. I miss learning about nature while we were outside. I miss having someone to ask confusing questions to. And I miss you saying strange things that can only invoke laughter. 

Grandma, I miss your hugs. I miss eating your soup and having breakfast of fresh grapefruit with sugar. I miss you pretending to be mad when we ate all the cookies out of the freezer. I miss going shopping with you. I miss talking about old family memories and hearing of your experiences. I miss all those days spent at your house playing and exploring. I miss you so much and I want to spend my days as a Grandma just like you because I have endless memories with you that are irreplaceable. Thank you. :)

Lord Jesus, thank you for my family. Thank you for helping my eyes to look forward when I want to keep them in the past. Thank you for the memories that remind me of how blessed I am and how rich I am, because I am filled to the brim with love! Thank you so much for teaching me through every circumstance and emotion. Please keep working within me and deepening the roots of my faith in you and your infinite love. Thank you for the promise of redemption and life with you. Thank you, Father!!!

The Button Box

I recalled a beloved memory the other day about the afternoons spent at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Anchorage and/or California. There was that dollhouse with all the old dolls  and frilly dresses. There were the books filled with paper dolls. That's how I learned to cut in straight lines! I remember sitting with Grandma while we cut out the clothes and asking her how she could cut so perfectly. She looked at me and said, "Karly, when you're as old as me you'll have just as much practice and be just as perfect." I still remember that when I use scissors. :) I also think of Shannon and how she tattled on my for holding the scissors the wrong way. Then there were all the dress up clothes that we could never get enough of! Silk and lace and everything that makes your eyes brighten as a little girl! Actually, at any age. Then we have the pooping duck that gives you jelly beans from the behind! I'm carrying on that tradition with Jojo and Gereon. If I look to my right from where I'm sitting, there's a crochet duck that Grandma sent me filled with jelly beans for the kids. But the memory that makes me the happiest today is the button box. It seems silly, but that box brought hours of fun! Sorting through and finding matches, finding our top 3 favorite buttons, organizing by color, the games were endless. And it brings me back to the fascination that children have and how vital that is for life to thrive. So, go find your button box and thrive away!!!

Let's see... dancing, singing, playing with hair, acting, drawing, commercials, building tree houses, and drinking hot chocolate. Girls sure know how to have fun!!! Jojo invited 3 friends over the other week and they began their afternoon outside building and creating a home in the trees. When they came inside, I made then hot chocolate with whipped cream and then we played a team competition where I chose activities for them to complete and then chose a winning team. This was a BIG hit! We were busy the entire afternoon with all sorts of tasks. They were unbelievably darling. Hearing two little German girls singing Karneval songs just about sent me over the edge. :) Ahh, priceless moments these are!!!

Jojo and I have been speaking so ridiculously to each other lately. We were playing a game the other day called "Das Verrückte Labyrinth" which means the crazy labyrinth. I asked her, "But why is it a verrückte labyrinth?" And she replied, "Because there's a Fee and a Schlange!" (A fairy and a dragon) I burst out laughing and told her we really needed to stop mixing our sentences with random German or English words. But at the same time, it makes me laugh so much!!! It just isn't the best method for teaching her proper English. At the breakfast table one morning she started singing along with the radio and knew every single word! And here is what she was singing: "When I'm drunk in the morning, I'm calling you, you might be lonely, lonely!" Yes, that is exactly what I wanted her to learn in English. Thank you, German radio so very much.

I was writing an email to my dad and it made me think of my last day in Alaska before I left to come back to Germany. After I figured out I'd missed my flight, Dad paid for Katie and I to stay at a hotel together so I could catch my other flight in the morning without having to drive back into town. It was such a relief from all the stress and emotions that I had from leaving and we had such a blessed evening together. After we settled into our room, we walked over to a steakhouse and had seafood with dad. It was so delicious and our conversation was really enjoyable and as I sat there with thoughts running through my head about leaving and all the emotions behind it, I felt a strong contentment of where I was and who I was with. It was the last sort of evening I would have chosen for my ending in Alaska, but it was far better than I could have ever pictured. I am so thankful for it, and it's one of those odd memories that from the outside seem to have no bright spot of significance, yet on the inside they are infinitely precious. And somehow, those unexpected moments are the very best ones.

After a fun evening at an Irish pub with a friend of mine and church in the morning, I walked over an hour through Düsseldorf along the Rhine to visit Julia and Stephen, who I stayed with for two weeks back when I first came here and had no job. As I got closer to the church where they live (next to it) I looked to my left at the river and was suddenly right back in the shoes of a scared girl in a foreign world, not sure where the next day would take her. I saw the bench that overlooks the river where I would sit for hours, praying and thinking, crying and wondering. And then I walked up to the front door of the two people who took care of me when I needed help the most. I was warmly welcomed and came into the living room to have tea and biscuits while we caught up after over a year of not seeing each other. It was charming and British, exactly how I remember. :) There was a bowl of cream to put on the bisquits with jams and some small cookies. They even brought out a special loose leave tea from Sri Lanka that they save for special guests! So we sat there and sipped our tea and enjoyed enriching conversation. It was a blessed afternoon! And today, I'm looking out upon a beautiful, sunshiny day and I can smell the spring air just begging me to go bike through it! The birds are chirping, the snow is gone and I LOVE SPRING!!! 

Oh, and I'm considering studying Anthropology in the Netherlands!!!