7 Days

Finally. It came. SNOW!!! I woke up to a Wegberg coated in that magic powder I love ever so dearly! The snowflakes fell the entire day and the most magical moment for me was when evening hit and the sky darkened. The lights from the city were hazy and when I walked to the train station, it was quiet and peaceful with families trudging over to the ice rink with their tiny children squished onto toboggans. Magical is not even a word powerful enough to capture the moment, and I happen to really love that adjective! On Sunday, during our Christmas party, Johanna and I built a snowman and named him Calvin. Then she said, "Karly, I know something!!!" as she started rolling together a head, and then while she shaped it she said, "We build now a very baby snowboy." And so we built that snowboy and we dubbed him Poopsie. So I have to tell this story because it's just so funny...Christoph and I were doing the dishes after the Christmas party and there was a huge wooden board we were trying to clean in the sink. It was not working so nicely since it was about three times the size of the sink. We'd placed it awkwardly inside and I attempted to scrub it down while he ran water over it with the faucet. As he was spraying water over it, he suddenly jerked the faucet somehow, and it ran water right down my shirt for a good five seconds before he pulled it back quickly and said, "Don't tell anyone that happened!" And I promised I'd tell my dad. We joked about how funny it would've been if my shirt had been white. Thankfully, it was black! 

Yesterday was Gereon's birthday and he was so sweet. The day before, he came over to me shyly and asked, "Um Karly, could you please make your cookies for me with the chocolate in the middle?" Way to break my heart! His party is this weekend and there will be 12 boys here. It will be crazy. Less than a week from now I'll have my suitcase packed and I'll be heading to my friend's house in Düsseldorf so I can leave early Wednesday morning to the airport. :) Dun dun dun!

I mentioned earlier my overwhelming sin. It opens my eyes to what great lengths Jesus went for me! He died for that filth that is me. And I never saw that so beautifully because I never saw myself so ugly. I have seen the evil heart that is inside me and I want a new one. That is my promise from the cross. And that is where I look, and I am clean. Every day, through every thing. That is what I cling to through each struggle and sin and disappointment and every thing in my life. It's the only answer. Despite doubts and questions, it's the only answer.

Spills & Stains

Jojo and I were lying in bed reviewing church holidays for her religion class. We started talking about Martin Luther and I was telling her how amazing it was that he stood up for what he believed to be true about God, even though everyone around him said it was false. I asked her how it would feel if everyone in her school and all her friends and family told her God wasn't real and would she still be able to believe in Him? She thought for a few seconds and then replied, "Yes, I would still believe in God."

Gereon likes to scare me while I'm doing dishes, or walking into rooms, etc etc. He's quite good at it, and yesterday when I walked into the bathroom he came looming out of a corner and yelled which made me yell back. I then tried to explain to him why it's so easy to scare me since I get lost in my thoughts and in the end, this was all I came up with as a pathetic excuse! - "When I don't think about people and then there's people, it's freaky." My English skills are seriously deteriorating.

Miss Johanna asked me, "Karly, what does the word 'possible' mean?" I told her, "It means 'möglich.' Like, is it possible or impossible?" She looked at me for a moment and then smiled in understanding and replied, "Kimpossible!!!" Well, close enough.

Okay, kid stories are ended. I need to step back to the time that my mother was here blessing me with her presence and share a few of our times together. First of all, seeing mom in the midst of my life here was so strange that I actually let a few tears slip! There was one evening right in the beginning when I had to go to the kitchen and wash some dishes so I could be alone to think because it was hitting me so strongly, all the emotions. My mom, who I hadn't seen for 14 months, was now sitting in the living room with the kids, talking and laughing with them and I know it sounds silly, but it felt like I had 2 lives and they had suddenly converged. Oh man, and was she ever hilarious!!! Here a few of my stand out moments with her:
1. We walked into a shop in a town called Erkelenz and the woman at the desk said "Guten Tag." I replied the same back to her and then mom copied me, very confidently. As soon as we walked by her, mom leaned over and murmured to me, "What did I just say?"
2. Mom and I are deciding how to start our first day in Salzburg and how to spend our money. She looks around the city streets for a few seconds, then turns to me and says, "Let's not even eat anything. Let's just drink until we can't stand it anymore."
I missed her humor big time!
3. We're walking along the street in Salzburg and I stop and take a photo of the building in front of us. Mom: "What are you taking a photo of?"
Me: "Whatever I want."
Mom: "Honey, we need to put some liquor in you."

Needless to say, I was laughing a lot!

The past few weeks have been slipping into Christmas mode. The air is cold, snow has attempted to stick a few times, and the lights, music and joy is spreading through Wegberg. It's rather magical. In fact, it's extremely magical. I love the dark mornings and dark evenings. This morning The kids and I received a boot filled with loot from St. Nick. They were standing outside the door waiting for us. It was cute! Jojo's favorite gift was a robot barbie. Gereon's was a James Bond film. :) They are so darling. I drank my first Glühwein of the season last weekend while Jojo sang in her school choir. We walked down with her in the charm of the evening to the city square where they'd set up a stage, a tiny Christmas market with treats and drinks, and a big skating rink for the kids. She stood proud and tall while she sang all the songs she'd been obnoxiously singing in my face all week. Somehow, it was still adorable!
Since a month, I've developed a new friendship with a woman from my school. She comes from Ukraine and is married to a German guy. She lives in Wegberg, so we've been biking to school together and studying together twice a week. It's been a huge blessing to me. She doesn't speak English, so I've sky rocketed my ability to communicate! And it's the first time I've developed a friendship only based on the German language. It's odd and exciting.

You know that section where Paul talks about his flesh taking over him? Sometimes it feels to me as if my sin is spilling out of me, even gushing out of me, and staining my life. Oh grace, you are too good. Grace that is somehow greater than all my sin.

I guess that's enough, I hope it is.

Today I want more than anything to write deep and artistic words to describe the pattern of life I currently reside in. But no, today is a blunt, rough, to the point sort of deal, so take it or leave it! I mostly write this for my own forgetful mind anyhow, so who cares if it's beautiful or not? Never mind. I can't pretend I don't love to read beautifully scripted words. I really, really, sincerely do. Yesterday I finished the last few hours of my 20 hour practicum for TEFL. The teacher signed my forms and I biked through the misty rain to the post this morning and sent it away to Illinois. I'm remembering now that I've never mentioned I was doing a TEFL course. Well, turns out I am! August 13th was the day I began my online certification course to learn how to teach English as a second language. I'm working on my final exams and will be finished in a few weeks time. (Thank the Lord! I've never studied so intensely and written so many essays in my LIFE!!! AND on top of German homework!!!) It was really just a whim that developed over about a month and after a few phone calls and some research, I started the course. It has been challenging me more than I'd expected, but the skills I've learned are already so much vaster than I expected. The certification allows me to teach English throughout so many different countries. My dream is to one day teach in Asia somewhere, but I'm interested in Germany as well, simply because I love being here and because I understand their language, it's much easier for me to teach Germans. I can analyze mistakes based on what I know about their own language. The children I did my practicum with were so fun! Once I spoke German with them so they saw I was learning their language, they opened up so much to me and began speaking more English. Helping them learn is one of the most rewarding experiences that I've had and planning lessons (although very time consuming) is a rather joyful experience at the same time! I feel quite accomplished by the end if my work. I have to say, I will miss my 40 minute bike rides to Wassenberg with my English flash cards in my backpack and good music in my ears. Thankfully, the biking and good music part is still possible since my German school started last week. I'm in a class above my level which is intimidating but also pushes me. I think back to when I first started school here and sat through an hour and half class of "gibberish" to my ears. Now I can sit in a class and give feedback and state my opinion. I'm not sure how my brain managed it, but I am grateful. Somedays my brain explodes though. I'd bike to German school where I only speak German, then I'd bike to my practicum where I only speak English, then I bike home where I speak German to the parents and English to the kids, so every turn I take or conversation I have is constantly switched between languages. Good but also damaging to my brain at times. I'm drinking a giant glass of iced green tea in an attempt to appease the guilt and literal nausea I feel from the amount of chips I ate. There's something scary in the ease of reaching for more and more and more and then some more. And now this tea is really just forcing me to get up and use the bathroom more often than I'd like. Sometimes life really shoves it in my face how very human I am. A week or so ago, Jojo asked me to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with her and I obliged, even though we'd been watching it every few days for the past week. We stood in front of the tv, chose a chipmunk and acted out their character. We were dancing and singing and miming the entire movie while we ate ice cream bars, and at one point when Christoph walked in I just had to swallow a laugh and soak in the glorious shame of how utterly ridiculous I looked. Oh the joy of taking care of children. Never a dull or un-humiliating moment to be spoken of. Usually when I put Jojo to bed, I read her stories. She always wants me to be ticklish but thankfully children aren't capable of properly tickling so I've lucked out. But a few nights ago, she somehow discovered what blurpies were and unfortunately for me, I am extremely ticklish from that. She yanked up my shirt and gave me a huge one on my tummy that made me burst into uncontrolled laughter. After that, she had me. It was dark, and all I'd hear was a huge inhale of breath, then 3 seconds later I was dying with more laughter. So much for making her sleepy. My laughs made her laugh and we literally laid in her bed laughing our heads off. Then we would put our heads really close and she'd switch on the light really fast so we could watch each other's pupils get bigger and smaller. At long last, she got sleepy and I laid in the dark thinking about how real I had laughed with her, just like I would with Boogie or Katie when we were hyper and couldn't sleep. It was good for my soul to laugh like that again. Autumn has truly and fully hit Germany and I am loving it. The air is the greatest gift to my skin and the smell of leaves and rain envelop my clothes when I take walks. Somehow the gray skies make me feel light and joyful. I had a gloomy sort of day last week and when it started pouring rain I was very happy to be sad because it was such a complete and perfect sadness. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of things I could be saying that are of importance concerning what I'm doing with my life here, new things that have happened, new things I've learned, and other me-related things but somehow I just want to let the letters keep flying across the page without direction and just get the thoughts out of my head so I can be filled up with new ones. Kind of like a pensieve right? Right. There's been a knot of stress building between my shoulder blades and creeping into my neck and when my eyes open to the dreadful beeping of my alarm, it's the first part of myself I become aware of as I attempt to relax it which only tenses it more. I could stress about my stress but then I think of the redundancy of that action and also of the months earlier when my supposedly unstressed self would start each waking moment with a sharp, long ache that droned eternally through me as I prayed myself to start a day. I'm certainly not homesick for homesickness. As long as that no longer takes over my physical being, stress can take me over any day. Stress doesn't seep into bones, into the soul, into the very heart of self. Stress can be taken off like your make-up after a party. Maybe there's remnants that make you look a little bit like death, but you're clean and you're you again. Did you know sometimes I hide my thoughts even from myself? In order to block my heart from what I am, I suppose. Every human feels this, I know it. But maybe they don't think about it that much. Odd, isn't it? We don't think much about thoughts we don't think about because they sicken us to the core. And the core isn't pretty either. None of it is. None of us are. But we like to pretend and stupidly, we somehow believe each other's prettiness even though we know none of us come close to what pretty is, what beauty is. Only one can portray that. So in a way we're all thieves. We take the idea of beauty and wrap it around our warped selves and glide through life as though we have something no one else has. We all don't have what no one else has. Only one has that what we all ache and long for. My act has grown weary of enveloping me and I looked down one day and saw myself instead of the array of beauty that I tried to steal. I hate looking at it. I want to have the pretend beauty back and love myself even though I'm only loving a thin and wispy ideal that is swept away and leaves me cold and ashamed. If I can't look at me, who could? One does. Just One.

Loosed

Too many weeks have passed since I've let my mind wander into itself. Creep around the twists and bends of thoughts that contract and expand like a rubber band. I find it scary that one can occupy a certain avenue of the brain and only navigate through that single passageway. Yes, many occurrences may occur, but they are all the same avenue, same narrow way that brings no light to the eyes or spark to the imagination. Only a bland and dull light shines through a straight hall and catches no attention or remembrance. When one manages to escape this wretched chasm of straight space, the doorways are infinite and the destinations never-ending. There are no walls, there are no halls. There are open doors with empty air dancing about, just waiting to be shaped and and swirled into memories by the sheer power of thought. Maybe a quick unplanned thought aroused by impulse. Or maybe a deep, well pondered thought that travelled heavily through the mind to arrive at it's peak of creation. These thoughts fill your empty air with emotion and color. They pave the streets walked upon above our eyes and travel through our bodies to fill us with their air, so colored, so painted, so splashed and creviced with emotion. Let your thoughts take you captive. Let them captivate you into an endless freedom.

Even Though

The difficulties in my heart have paled in comparison to the grandeur of the past few days. Through a few nighttime walks about the city, sunny afternoons with the kids and the steadfast love and faithfulness from the Lord, my heart feels worlds lighter! Apart from the normal empty spot where all the people I miss should be. Even my friends in Germany have departed for holiday! Hannah and I happened upon a headphone party at a beach near Essen. We were so astonished at how extremely unsocial it was but after a few hours gave in and grabbed some headphones. It was quite magical out on the sand in the dark with the moon shining above us! And naturally, we met quite a few crazy folks which is always interesting. 

Upon the arrival of my family from their holiday, they had guests the very next evening staying for a few days. Busy busy busy! As always. But I like busy! This family was so wonderful too. They are very musical and after the initial greeting, they walked into the living room and started playing the piano and drums! So I smiled as jazz notes filled my ears. The next day as I was folding some laundry, the dad walked into the room and began to mess around on the piano. Eventually I joined him and we sang together for a while. I felt a rush of warmth come inside of me and then it was gone and I missed Anna.

Friday morning I left with Britta and the kids to Erkelenz so the children could get some new school supplies. After we gathered what they needed from the shop, we stepped out into the sunny streets and began to stroll through the morning market. Jojo found fascination in just about everything she laid her eyes upon, and I couldn't help but smile as her summer dress bounced and twirled around her while she ran to investigate all the excitements spread around us. We found a magic pen that makes the writing invisible unless you shine a light on it, just like one that I used to have as a little girl for my journal so we bought it! She was delighted. At one point, she clung to my arm, rested her head against my shoulder and asked me how long I was staying in Germany. I told her as long as I could and she beamed up at me and replied, "Good." Gereon bought a model airplane to paint and construct and we both looked at each other afterwards as I told him, "Hey Gereon, now you 'have got a hobby!'" We had a good laugh over that. I thought fondly of mom as we walked through the market with our weaved baskets picking out fresh fruits and breads. We even bought a plum cake! The afternoon was bright and sunny so we spent it outside in the garden. We ate Quark with fresh strawberries and the kids played in the pool. During the afternoon I sat outside with them and carved shapes out of "speck stein" (soapstone.) It looks like chalk but it's much softer and by the time we finished, my legs were even whiter than their normal pale complexion. Later in the afternoon, I drank a coffee and ate the plum cake with some cream while the kids continued carving. We also re-did the Olympic games which was funny. Oh! I forgot to mention! I had such perfect meals. Breakfast was the porridge I'd bought in Ireland while I drank coffee out of my O'Loughlin mug. Lunch was the fresh fruit and yogurt from the market and dinner was the fresh bread plus pesto and my favorite cheese. I love days like that!

The kids and I were watching tv on Friday evening. Gereon walked over to the cupboard to look for some chips after Jojo and I finished the pringles he'd wanted. Inside the cupboard is a giant egg about the size of my head that is displayed next to the chips. I don't know why, but it just is. I was watching tv as he opened the cabinet and searched for a few minutes. Then I looked over as he turned around and holding the giant egg in his hands he said, "I guess I'll just eat an egg." I have not laughed so richly since a very long time. Him standing there in his pjs with his spindly legs, holding the egg. It was just took much. 

Late in the evening I took a walk that intensified my love for Germany. It was just dark enough to be magical but not frightening. I love walking on the cobblestones, hearing the leaves rustling, the music from the bars, the otherwise peaceful aura surrounding me, the smell that comes from the vast variety of green everywhere, the ducks crossing the street as I walked by the pond, passing my favorite tree, hearing the calming chimes of the church bells, the squeaks of the tiny insects, and the peace and charm that expanded inside my heart. All a gift from God. 

Today I will most likely take a bike trip with Christoph and Gereon and afterwards we're grilling some fish out on the terrace. It's windy today but sunny so I'm not too warm but still can enjoy the sunshine. I've spent a lovely weekend with my family and still have the whole of today to continue! Tomorrow starts my studying. :) Woohoo! 

You know, even though I try at times to wallow in struggles or be upset about myself, God pulls me right up and doesn't allow it! He strengthens me continually and pushes me to do better, see clearer, go farther, praise Him through it all. I love Him. 

die Wahrheit

I realized I've been giving Him nothing. Absolutely zero percent of myself. Not to say that I'm not already His. But when I curled up on my couch today and looked up at the ceiling, the words came out from me before I registered what I'd even said. And there's no going back. I know now that it's true. I directed my passion, my love, my joy, my anger, my hurt, my confusion, my generosity all towards anything and everyone except for Him. The one I claim to be deeply in love with. A second realization slipped in while I was processing the first. I'm so afraid to allow myself the fullness of living in His grace because I'm afraid that I don't love Him deeply enough to faithfully follow Him knowing it's nothing I can do to earn Him. It sickens me to say that disgusting truth, but there it is. Bared before my Creator. He saw it all along, far before I did. I am living in a trap of half-hearted love and chained obedience. I want the freedom of intense love and the freedom of deep grace, every single day. I want it. My want is failing me. Terribly. And how does He respond? He provides. Bountifully. I don't doubt His existence. I don't doubt His Word. I don't doubt his wrath. I don't doubt His goodness. I doubt His love. And love...isn't that the one that binds it all together? He IS love, after all. Doubting His love doubts His very essence. And here I sit, all folded up, shut in. Reluctant to unfold myself and risk. Risk the lack of love I might have. Risk the impossibility of the greatest Love imaginable. Risk dropping all my pride and admitting that He is great enough to love me. Because I know He is. He's great enough to love the entire creation. 

That is the reality of where my heart has been the past 2 months. It's humbling for me to write this out. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I would love advice. I know it is one of the steeper, rockier sections of my path to the Lord and He will be faithful to guide me. I'm keeping my eyes on Him. Thinking of you all and missing you, as always.

The Twist

Objectives: 

Escape comfortable habits. 

Work with children. 

See another part of the world. 

Results? 

The embracement of newness that transformed into habits. The indescribable joy of re-living my childhood with two german kids I cherish close to my heart. The bridges crossed, the barriers broken, the explosion of the world before me. It was as if a layer was ripped from my eyes and threw me deep into the criss-crossing roads of life. What I saw before is now seen differently. What I thought before is now thought differently. I learn, love, question, enjoy, explore differently.

Germany has brought many twists and turns, but squinting back to that first day in July of last year, when I clicked the button and bought my one-way ticket, I see the biggest twist Germany brought to my life. I clicked that button so I could search out what it meant to have blood pumping through my veins with the thrill of adventure and the unknown. To appease the gaping chasm filling my heart and churning in my gut. Those two things have indeed happened! No questions there! But the twist I did not ask for and did not expect was that I would fall so deeply in love with this country. Without meaning to, I let Germany wreathe it's way into my heart, soul and life. I have become shaped and altered by the culture I'm surrounded by without losing the core roots of my character. 

During a weekend with the kids, somehow we ended up running through the house with Gereon's drumsticks as our wands and casting spells at each other. After a time, we were running out of Harry Potter words and when I yelled, "sectumsempra" at Gereon, he pointed his wand at me and deflected it with "Nein!" to which I replied, "doch!" The following 15 minutes consisted only of those two spells and eventually we called a truce. 

I'm remembering that day when I burst into tears by the dishwasher and Britta had to talk with me for a good long while before I calmed down. The very next morning I was trying my best to keep my head up instead of break into a million pieces like I wanted! As the children were getting ready to head off to school, Jojo ran over to me jumped right into my arms, giving me a big kiss and exclaiming, "I love you!" before running off to the car. It was one of those moments where I saw the vastness of not only God's love for me but also how intensely He knows my heart and what touches me deepest. 

Gereon and I were cleaning all the legos in his room one day and I was singing along all crazy to the radio. He started laughing at me and eventually said, "You will become a famous rockstar because of how bad you are." That same afternoon, Jojo caught a bug and named it Nova. She has also decided that if I ask her any sort of question that starts with "why" she will respond with, "why not!?" to which I can only laugh at her spunk and spirit. I was in the kitchen one afternoon getting some water and Gereon was standing at the counter scraping his piece of flint rock across his plastic water bottle.  I told him to be careful or it would break. After a few minutes, I looked at him and asked, "Why are you doing that anyways?" to which he replied with a forlorn expression on his face, "I don't have got a hobby." And these stories are the concrete reasons for why I love spending time with the kids.

I experienced the most enriching german conversation in a taxi last week. After telling the driver where I needed to go, I decided to practice my german so I asked him a few questions to get him talking. After he loosened up a bit, we got talking for almost 30 minutes and it was the first time I felt a glimpse of myself in the language as I spoke. I had the tiniest glimmer of a personality in the midst of the grammar and vocabulary limitations. I never faltered in a sentence, I understood everything he spoke, I even interjected sometimes if I had something to add! I felt truer to myself than I have ever felt while speaking german. 


I've been eating my breakfast in the cellar because it's so hot everywhere else. Call me crazy, but I will not enjoy a steaming mug of coffee during breakfast if the sun is shining on me and warm air is stifling me! The fields have been especially breathtaking lately because the corn and wheat are growing and I enjoy the fresh smells and arrays of color. I'm really enjoying this lovely month as Autumn gets closer. :) It's crazy to experience 4 seasons!

Back home with a pocketful of coins but a lifetime of experiences!

Ireland exceeded all I could have imagined it to be. From the first moment I stepped off the plane, it stole my breath. I was caught up in the magic and beauty of the country. I fell in love with every step and let my smile spread wider and wider. I soaked in the unique stories, people and surroundings. 


As I passed through the airport in Dublin, the man checking my passport said to me, "Oh, you're an O'Loughlin? You'll fit in quite well with the Celts here." For once, I had no words, only a grin. The fresh air that hit my face as I stepped into the misty rain brought Alaska to my mind, but that was quickly washed away when I listened to the numerous, beautiful voices of the irish people! Their accents are soul-melting. Kate and I stepped onto a double decker bus and drove out to O'Connell street where our hostel was. After settling in, we went out for a midnight dinner of Subway and I got a free cookie. Dublin is a wondrous city! I found it to be much nicer than I'd expected for a big city. We ate at adorable cafes and enjoyed the soda bread and creamy butter they have here. I almost always ordered soup so I could get the basket of bread! We went to the Guinness Tower and learned how to pour a pint of Guinness. The guy behind the counter asked who wanted to be the demonstrator and after a few awkward moments of silence I thought, "why not?!" and said, "okay, I'll do it!" That was a bucket load of fun and I enjoyed all the details and steps to learn, just for pouring one glass! After everyone else had poured, we sat at the bar and drank our creations. Kate and I started talking to a group of guys from Belgium who spoke Flemish, French, Dutch and English. It was so cool! They invited us to listen to some irish music later that evening so we arranged to see them there. Once we arrived, the music instantly was sensational. After a few hours, the belgians wanted to head to a different bar and reluctantly I followed along. I am SO thankful I did because this bar was crazy. Not only was the band amazing, but the crowd was INSANE!!! They chanted, clapped, and danced around like nothing I've ever seen. I was surrounded by wild irish people and I was loving it. I got right into the thick of it and danced my heart away while chanting and clapping until my hands were raw! They even began to play 500 Miles by The Proclaimers at one point, and I yelled out every lyric. It was a blast. The crowd was so intense that the band had to force them to shut up and leave the bar. 


Sadly, the next day was a sleepy day because we only had about 3 hours to rest before heading to Dingle. The bus ride there was so beautiful that I actually cried. The bright greens, the countryside and the water. It was more than any photo could ever capture or convey. Once we arrived at our hostel, I met some cool people who were also traveling around before heading out with Kate to a little castle and enjoying  a small cove which I fell in love with. Later in the evening, after having dinner, we went to a bar and I had some irish whiskey. Mmm is that good and tasty! The next morning, I went into the village to rent a bike. When I came to the supposed address, it was 2 swinging doors that led into the dirtiest bar I've ever laid my eyes upon. It was 9am and there were 4 or 5 old, mangy men drinking pints of Guinness. They all turned and stared at me  while I stood in the middle of the room, wondering how this could be a place to rent bikes. The bartender told me to go down the street to his friend, and they'd help me there. I gratefully exited but to my dismay could not find where to go! I was determined to get a bike so I marched back in with my head high and asked for help. An especially old guy stood up and said he'd take me there. Then all the men started joking about how I was in terrible danger and I tried to laugh along with them. It rather felt like a movie. Fortunately, Keith (the old guy!) was super sweet and I enjoyed talking with him while he led me to a tiny hole in the wall stuffed with bikes. After renting one out, I began my journey into the cliffs of Ireland! I biked and biked and biked and kept on biking as it rained down on me. I loved it! I experienced the mountains and cliffs while driving on the left side of the road and I eventually wound up so far away from Dingle I couldn't even see where it was. I stood in the ocean, climbed on rocks and ran through the sand while the cold air hit my face. I was overjoyed. On the way home, I stopped at a cafe to have breakfast but it was too late, so I ordered the best Irish Coffee I've had in my life and some seafood chowder. I had to take the creatures out of the shells while I ate the soup! It was so delicious. After my biking venture, I relaxed a bit in the hostel and then Kate and I walked through the town looking at the shops and we ate some ice cream. I sampled honeycomb flavor which was quite spectacular but ended up buying Baileys and Irish Bread flavor. It was awesome! We ended up in a bar listening to some music and I was really craving a spinach pizza. The bartender heard me complaining about it (surprise surprise!!!) and told me that was a disgusting craving and that no one should like spinach on pizza. I defied him and then waltzed out into the night to find a pizza store. I found one but they didn't have any spinach. So I came back defeated and sat back down to complain some more. A few minutes passed and then the bartender came over and murmured, "If you walk down a few streets and turn right there's a bar called Blue Moon and they said they'd make you a spinach pizza." I smiled so big I thought my face might break and then rushed back out to find this place. (Poor Kate had to sit at the bar with my beer and wait for me!) I walked up some stairs and came into another incredibly filthy bar where jazz music was playing and a crazy girl was sitting at the counter hurling random paper mache creations around the room. I walked over to the counter and asked the guy if he'd make me a spinach pizza. As I waited, I sat down and enjoyed the jazz music while taking in the filth of the kitchen where my food was being prepared. I decided not to care. Once I paid, I walked back through the chilly night air with my warm pizza box and then ate it outside of the bar, feeling like a homeless person. Then I  let Kate have some and we ripped the box into tiny pieces so we could throw it into the mini "litter" can that was on the street. We came back in so I could pay for my beer and a middle aged man who had been talking to Kate ended up buying us free drinks while he spoke about any and everything. I was glad to get back home and sleep! 


At one point, Kate and I were walking through Dingle and she saw a shopping cart next to the road. She pointed out that she could get the money for that if she'd take it across the road and stick it in the slots with the other carts. (when you shop here, you put 1 euro in a slot to get your cart out, and then get the euro back when you put the cart away. Germans don't like messes!) But for some odd reason, Katie felt so embarrassed to walk with the shopping cart, so I grabbed it and marched across the road and over to the market to return it and kept the euro all to myself!!! Sometimes I really didn't understand her! :)


While Kate and I were eating dinner in Cashel, I heard an older couple speaking german. I went to the bathroom and when I came out I decided to stop and talk to them. So I spent the next 20 minutes speaking in german with them! It was so fun! I love that about Europe. I'm from America, traveling through Ireland, and meeting people who I can speak in german with. :)


Our bed and breakfast in Cashel was amazing. The lady welcomed us in and put on some hot water for tea while we ate some shortbread. Then she turned the hot water on so we could take showers. :) After the first few nights of hostels, I felt like a queen while I laid in a big cozy bed! I could look out the window into the garden and then the fields beyond. They were out quite a few miles from the city. Needless to say, I slept like a log. The following day I explored through the vast house. The couple had a fair amount of children so the house was quite large and the styling was so fascinating! Very much out of a movie to me. :) In the morning we ate a lovely, homemade irish breakfast consisting of coffee, eggs, bacon, (I refused that nasty bloody something or rather) fresh soda bread, toast with jam, and yoghurt with granola and fresh fruit. Delectable!!! Then we drove out to see the city of Cashel. I didn't want to pay to go in at the Rock of Cashel so instead I wandered around the outside walls and the hills surrounding it. I had quite a blast for no money at all!!! 


I bid farewell to Ireland as the ferry shipped me away through the ocean. It was a bit sad but new adventures were awaiting so I tried to cheer my spirits. Once we arrived at Pembroke Dock, we walked through the silent city and tried to find an atm to exchange our euros for pounds. At one point, I sneezed right as a man walked by my and he said, "bless you" in his lovely british accent. That was my first taste of being in the UK and it made me smile! Once we arrived at the train station we waited. and waited. for so long. Thankfully, a woman began speaking to us and turns out she's a police officer. She began explaining to us all about the gypsy culture and how she is involved in their community. I learned so much! It was fascinating. We talked while a few young gypsy boys played barefoot in the street. It was hard to talk to them because their dialect was so thick. I looked at them playing and saw the chasm of difference between our childhoods. It was like I was walking through a history book when I listened to the lives of these kids!


Once we arrived in England, it was past midnight and we stood in a line outside the train station waiting for a taxi. They kept arriving out of the dark in the midst of the busy city beyond. They were so old fashioned looking and I had such fun when I hopped inside! Our hostel had a very creepy entrance and was also rather creepy inside, but it was a bed to sleep in at least! Really though, not much else. It was really hot and there were a lot of people in the room. I was happy to leave early the next morning to explore London. Kate and I walked through all the famous areas and at one point I walked out across Millennium Bridge and spent 40 minutes listening to some lovely musicians play classical music. It was so peaceful! Kate found a cool bar where we hung out for a while and had dinner. Eventually, a guy came over and gave us a trivia quiz thing. So the whole bar was playing trivia and we ended up somehow getting all the employees on our team! They randomly flocked over to our table and then proceeded to cheat on every answer with their stupid phones. Even then, we only got second place so we had a pitcher of beer to share. They were really funny, and I enjoyed meeting people who had grown up in London. It felt more real and not so touristy. One of the guys moved there from Egypt 2 years ago and it was so fun listening to him explain the culture and the religion that he grew up around.

In conclusion, here is the collection of my favorite word-moments with Kate:


"I love reading light, fluffy literature. It's like eating cotton candy."
"My neck hurts. Man, I should've gone to the dentist!"
"Oh, that was your stomach? I thought that was the train!"

Carried Away

"God wants us to trust him with abandon. Walking in genuine intimacy and full surrender to God takes great faith. Life is comfortable when you separate yourself from people who are different than you. But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if he doesn't come through." - Francis Chan


The last few weeks I've been questioning God big-time on my purpose here in Germany and how I should proceed with my life. All the usual things... wanting to know if I should study german or if I should go home, or if I should go off to college in the states, or study in English somewhere in Europe, etc etc etc. I was praying pushy prayers and trying so desperately to receive a direct path with the end in view. I admit, even now, I want to know. I want to know if I will stay here or not and if my purpose is here or not. But I sometimes highly underestimate how big God is. How much bigger his eyes are than mine. How much greater his purpose is than mine. How he will not stop the work he started in me, and I don't have to try and find what to do because he will lead me there. My job is to follow him in faith. Oh how I wish living the truth was as easy as believing it. 


What struck me today was this: Amidst all the questions whirling in my head, amidst all the homesickness and loneliness, amidst the laughter and the tears, amidst the experiences that fill me with culture or just leave me wanting Alaska, this is what I know: God wanted me out of my comfort zone. He wanted me to leave everything familiar to my heart and soul except him. He wanted me to see that I don't need a single item if I have him. I lived a comfortable life and I liked it. I love my family and I lived with my family. I love to dance and I danced almost every day. I love to sing and I sang constantly with my sister. I love church and I stayed involved with my church. I love a good old steady work schedule and I worked steady hours each week. I was living a comfortable life and I had a comfortable relationship with God. I loved him and I served him but I never put myself out of my comfort zone for him. I worked in the areas I knew and liked. I knew the Lord only as deeply as I knew my comforts. He was not my ultimate comfort. Oh how that has changed. He has deepened my need for him and in turn, my love for him. I'm beginning the journey to actually knowing the Lord, in an intimate way I have never known before. He is helping me set my eyes on him and on eternity. On what truly matters. When he returns, I don't want to see him and shrink back in fear, dreading the words 'I never knew you.'
"And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming." 1 John 2:28


I want to live a radical life for him all my days and take the steps that Jesus took, live the life that Jesus lives, just like he commands. I cannot pretend anymore that my life is about me. It's not about what makes me "happy" whatever that even means. It's about bringing God glory. If he called me to never go back home again, would I trust him? I cannot ignore those sorts of questions anymore. They are forever in the forefront of my mind. If I'm falling deeper in love with my Saviour with each passing day, I should be giving more to him with each of those days because the more in love you fall the more you want to sacrifice. He sacrificed absolutely every part of himself. Will I? 
"Through him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name." - Hebrews 13:15


Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my family in Venlo, Holland. We took a drive into the city and walked around a bit. The buildings are so fascinating to me! It was my first time seeing where we crossed the border since usually I am biking through the woods. We ate delicious french fries and soft ice cream. It was my first time being in a city in Holland. Usually I only bike to a few smaller towns along the border so it was very exciting! On Friday we went to a carnival in Erkelenz with the kids and that was a blast. I got a little bit scared on the ferris wheel, but before you scoff I would just like to say it was very big and it twirled! The kids were simply darling and it brought back so many fair memories from when we went on all the rides together. Saturday was spent at a park/zoo in a town called Jülich and I saw wolves, peacocks with babies strutting through the streets, wild boars, and even baby goats which made me realize I would really truly love to have a baby goat named Peter Pan who stays tiny and adorable forever and ever. We wandered through some underground tunnels in a castle/moat and the kids attempted to scare me around every dark corner. We went down big slides with our jackets wrapped around our waists so we would go at the speed of light. It was frightening. When we got home, we drove over to a friend's house and watched the football game against Portugal. It was the fastest game I have ever seen played. There feet are like blurs! And the noise driving home of all the cars honking (Britta included!) and people yelling victory cries was quite amusing! They've sure got spirit. 


The kids saw the youtube video "Threw it on the ground" or whatever it's called and have been a bit obsessed with it. Jojo woke up this morning, walked down the stairs and as she entered the kitchen, instead of saying good morning she said, "Hey Karly, throw it on the ground!!!" to which I replied, "happy birthday to the ground!!!" And that was our good morning greeting. 


I rode to school in a rainstorm and it was glorious but then the entire class I was freezing and the way home was really quite cold. I should really bring extra clothes from now on! My bed is calling my name and it's becoming harder and harder to ignore. Let the love of Christ transform your life and carry you away into his arms for eternity!!!

Nature vs. Desire

Would you see me the way you see the heavens when they cry?

Would you carry me the way you carry the raindrops in your eyes?

Would you touch me the way you touch the flowing brooks and streams?

Would you know me the way you know the bending of the trees?

Would you hold me the way you hold the daisies in your arm?

Would you kiss me the way you kiss away the sin and the harm?

Would you take me the way you take the sand into the sea?

Would you love me the way you love for all eternity?

This afternoon called for some poetry writing! Today I celebrated "Fronleichnam" with my family. Jojo had her communion dress on, Gereon had his Pfadfinder outfit on, and we went in the morning to a church service in Wegberg. After the service, there was a procession to a small village called Beeck where we stopped in the center where big banners were hung up around a cross and they sang some songs. Then we went to another church service and I recited the Lord's Prayer in English during the German version. It sounded so cool, and Eva, I thought of you and that soccer field where you taught me!!! :) Of course, following the service was a bountiful provision of food and drinks. We came home in the afternoon and enjoyed a delicious asparagus themed lunch on the veranda, enjoyed a relaxing afternoon, then drove to the outskirts of Mönchengladbach and into the forest where a restaurant was hidden. I ate a huge pizza. We sat outside under the umbrellas while the rain poured down. Gereon and I have been bonding over Harry Potter the past week. And we learn the craziest words from each other! Like "invisibility cloak" and "upside down." It's great! 

My happenings have not been recorded lately which is sad because I tend to forget all the little details that bring me such joy. I try to write things down but the past 4 months or so it just hasn't happened. I haven't even been using my camera. It really is such a shame. It's coming up on a year since I've been in Germany! I truly am astounded by that. Time is confusing. 

Last Sunday night on my walk home from the train station, I tried to save a baby bird. The end result was an hour or 2 later I was sitting on the veranda crying as I watched him sitting helplessly in the nest I gave him, knowing he wouldn't be alive come morning. It was one of those "build up" moments where the entire preceding week I'd been getting ready to break and then watching my failure to keep a baby bird alive was my snapping point. I curled up on the ground and cried about absolutely everything imaginable for about 20 minutes, then I decided to go to my room and cry there instead. I ended up trying to speak with my mom but it was mostly tears, then poor Katie got to listen to the rambling after effects of my cry. When I woke up the next morning, I could barely see and was not feeling happier. I was unloading the dishwasher when Britta walked into the kitchen and really all it took was a few words from her before I burst into tears with some cups in my hand as I bent over the dishwasher!!! Not one of my finest moments. We spoke for a long time on the veranda and I felt more at peace. This past week I've been feeling the intensity and reality of studying here and making sure I'm 100% sure of my choice. So I'm in the midst of choosing which school course to take and would appreciate prayer and encouragement. I've also been praying for more convictions in my life and what needs to change and God is sure delivering on that one! Convictions are hard and I would also love prayer for me to have open eyes and a strengthened heart that acts on the convictions.  


Seeing as I've been here more than 9 months, Germany is no longer a crazy adventure that leaves me breathless with every new experience, but it's somehow even better, even richer. Sometimes I forget the magic I first felt when I would go biking here through the cobbled streets, or when I'd see vines intertwining around brick buildings, or how ecstatic I was to ride my first train. When I recapture those moments, the richness of my blessings return and I am filled with thankfulness, not only because I can once again appreciate the wonderful opportunity I have here but also because I realize how much Germany has been embedded into my character and my life. 

I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but with a bit more detail I will tell you about Jojo's first communion. She walked into the living room in the morning and twirled around in her white dress with buckled shoes and flowers in her hair. She was glowing. We walked to the church in the sunshine and pretty dresses, and then I sat with Oma and we talked in German about prayers and Bible verses until the service began. I nearly cried when Jojo took her communion. She had sung me all her songs the previous week so when we sang them in church, I wasn't totally lost! After the service, we spent the entire day at the house with 30 people having lunch and dinner. It was so fancy! There was a waitress who walked around with a tray offering different drinks, and a butler who cooked a 4 course lunch and served us! After lunch, I spent the afternoon talking in German with everyone. If I don't speak English for over an hour, it's easier to speak German because it becomes part of my thoughts. We had coffee and cake in the afternoon, and of course beer throughout the day. I played with an adorable toddler who asked me cute questions and we played with the bunnies, and jumped on the trampoline together. It was a grand celebration weekend over all!!!

In conclusion, I read a very interesting question this week that simply must be shared. 

If you could have heaven with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven if Christ was not there?

We should NEVER be satisfied without Christ, who is the love of our life for now and evermore. Let us always examine ourselves and draw into a closer relationship with him as we await the intimate eternity in store for us. "For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." - Matt. 7:14

No one knows who is listening, say nothing you would not wish put in the newspapers.

I never thought having a flat tire 6 miles away from home would be fun. But guess what? It totally was! Not at first though. I walked my bike to the nearest town from school and asked an old, portly looking fellow who was working on his car if he could help me. He pumped it right up for me and I biked away smiling. Not three minutes later I look down and it's flat to the ground once again. I half-heartedly laughed but I was feeling cranky because it was so humid today and I was sticky. I don't like being sticky. But what could I do? What I did was walk and walk and walk and kept walking while my bike squeaked the entire way. Once I made it into Wegberg I happened to walk right by a run down building with a few old guys standing outside and about 100 bicycles. I stopped and asked for help of course!!! I managed to tell them practically everything about myself that I knew how to say in German and they stood there with their dirty overalls and scruffy beards, listening patiently. I left my bike with them and walked away with a grin, thanking the Lord for an interesting situation. As I was walking home I decided to complete the day by waving quite energetically to a man hanging out of his window while in fact, he was waving to his 4 year old daughter behind me. I love it. I really do. And now I'm eating an entire bag of crackers and looking forward to snuggling up in my bed with a good book. I wish Boogie was here to snuggle with me though. Wow, I'm so thirsty!!! It must be the obscene amount of salt I'm currently intaking. On a different note, the last few weeks were spent in preparation for Jojo's first communion and it went splendidly. She was so beautiful. We had a wonderfully fancy party at the house with a cook, a waitress and a maid bustling around with trays serving us drinks and we had a 4 course lunch served to us as well. I haven't even mentioned the dessert and coffee! Ah, it was splendid. I sat in the garden and spoke German with men in suits, had great conversations with a toddler, and throughout the day as I played with the kids in the bunny cage, swung on the hammock and jumped on the trampoline, managed to shred my tights to pieces. I literally had to throw them right into the trash can. Though it has been far too long, and I have written far too little to actually say sometime about my life, my heart or anything of importance, my eyes don't like the screen anymore. I must be off to read! In English. I'm learning about German adjective patterns right now and I'm not very happy about it. 

Union

"A living, loving God can and does make His presence felt, can and does speak to us in the silence of our hearts, can and does warm and caress us until we no longer doubt that He is near, that He is here." - Brennan Manning


I stepped outside last night into the warm, dark air and took a walk to a park near the fields where I go running. It was late, I was in my pajamas, and the town was quiet. Peace was an automatic occurrence. I sat down on the swing and let Jesus sweep me away. We spent precious one on one time with each other. We shared closeness, intimacy, laughter, tears, and words. In earthly relationships, we find ourselves investing large amounts of our time with other people, other activities, other duties, all of these things a blessing to share in together. But it is absolutely vital to take time together with your other half. Alone. No one else, no duties, nothing but your unity. How much more than should our time with Jesus be, as the ultimate relation in our soul!!! Let us spend our time on this mist of an earth at the foot of the cross with the blood pouring over our bitter souls and spreading sweetness through our veins, providing grace and freedom. 


Jojo and I have been taking walks or bike rides to get ice cream the past few weeks. It has provided precious time for us to spend together. She takes my hand and just talks. About any and everything. We laugh and joke together, we talk about animals, we talk about boys, we talk about how flowers grow and the different colors in the wings of the ducks as we walk by the pond in Wegberg. She loves learning. She plays piano every time she walks into the dining room. She asks me to sing her to sleep. She reads me German stories at bedtime so I can learn her language. We spent an hour in her room cutting the hair of every single Barbie she owns as well as all her horses. We played Monopoly and I was so bad that she began to pay me when I landed on her property. I taught her "cat's cradle" and now she has dubbed it "3 fingers" so whenever she needs to do homework she instead yells out, "Karly, 3 fingers!!!" We spend endless amounts of time outside with her bunnies. One day when we were cleaning out the cage she looked up at me with her shovel and garbage bag and said, "Well, they poop and they eat. These are my bunnies." Then she heaved her shoulders in a sigh and continued her shoveling. I treasure her! She sits on my lap, squeezes my hand, jumps on my shoulder from the stairway, messes up my hair, and tickles me under the ribs. She loves red jelly beans. Almost every day she will grab the jelly bean duck my Grandma gave me and search and search until she finds red. She insists that I tell her the name of every flavor and then screws up her nose at them. She will give me kisses once in a while, and she says she loves me before falling asleep, but the sweetest things to me so far happened last week. She grabbed me in a hug before I left for the weekend, pulled me down to her and gave me a big kiss smack on the lips. Now, before you think about how strange that is, read further. Every evening at dinner time she goes around the table and gives endless kisses and hugs to her mom and dad. I never grew up kissing my parents on the lips, but I guess it's normal here! Or at least to them. Needless to say, I found myself smiling as I walked away and that smile turned into a hop, skip and a jump! and a laugh! And yes, I just wrote an entire paragraph about one little girl. The little girl that has poured sunshine into my heart!

Time.

Today marks 6 months in Germany. Tomorrow starts the next 10 months. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel led. Led in the perfect direction. It's an invisible direction, but I've always liked a good adventure! When I was a little girl I had a very special journal. It had a lock and key on it and inside I would write with an invisible ink marker. The only way to see the writing was to shine a special purple light over the paper. I was sure no one would ever read my secrets but me. Then I lost the purple light and in turn, all my invisibly written secrets. What I see now is that God wrote my path with those nifty invisible ink markers and I'm the purple light that shines over the story. My story! I only ever see what is right there in front of me, one word at a time, but it is enough. I believe there is more coming and I believe it is beautiful. Today I want to share a story about forgiveness because it has greatly affected the last 5 years of my life and especially this past week has been on my heart and mind. I have spent the majority of my teenage years in bitterness and anger. What I believed to be justifiable anger. My father made some grievous choices in my childhood, choices that created a rift in the family. Choices that tore me apart. Choices that quite literally threw me to the ground, denying my heart all the answers and affirmations I yearned for as a little girl. Not just the big moments, but the small moments I still crave. Sitting on his lap and reading a story. Getting a kiss goodnight. Being told how beautiful I am. I can't say I don't need that anymore because that is a giant lie. I want and need it still, even as an adult. I want my father to be my father. But that was tucked away and stomped flat inside my heart as I grew up. I learned to wake up each morning and start over. Forget yesterday, let today happen so I could forget it and fall asleep. I honestly believed that being independent, strong and emotionless was admirable. Sadly, all it created in me was bitter anger and a locked up heart. Dancing took out pieces of the darkness in me. Sometimes against my will, I would spill my emotion through the movements, recall moments of sorrow that I had buried long ago. They were covered in dirt and tears and I kept trying to dance them away. Dancing spilled them, but dancing could never heal them. So that left me in the middle of my ravaged heart, staring around at the emotions and darkness that had spilled out with no way of going back in. They lay blatantly at my feet, daring me to approach them. So I did. I took the long journey of crouching down and taking one at a time. Giving it my attention, affirming truths, removing lies, allowing Jesus to heal the broken fragments of my soul. But oh no, that journey is far from over. I reached a turning point at the age of 18 when the path of my heart had been cleared. That is when I truly forgave my father in the presence of God. I felt released from my anger. But I was drawn into confusion as I believed forgiveness would bring me complete healing. And that, it did not do. The last 2 years I have continued to experience sorrow and confusion as I struggle to push past the barrier of my grief. But then Jesus stopped me. He stopped me abruptly, sat me down and made me listen to Him. Here is what he taught me: I might spend my whole life forgiving my father over and over, every time I feel bitterness. Forgiveness will not take away my pain. It will not take away the gravity of how he affected me and it will not take away what he did to me. But it will take away my anger and turn it into sorrow. And it did. I have sorrow, I have grief, I have a longing that might never be fulfilled on this earth. But I am released from my bitter spirit. I can honestly pray for my father and not be tainted by unrighteous anger. I'm sad for him. I'm sad that I don't have the daddy I wanted to have. I have a daughter's love for him that rests in my heart, waiting. I pray and hope that one day he will be redeemed and brought to the arms of Jesus. Lord-willing, I will be there to see it and be united on earth with my father, even if for one day. I would normally not write this publicly for the sake of my father. But this is not written against him in any way. I am not angry with my father. I love him and this is a confirmation that no matter what, I will continue loving and forgiving until the day I'm brought to my heavenly Saviour's arms. And He loves me, every inch of me, oh so much.

Daily chocolate quantities exceeded

Last week I opened my door to a lovely layering of snow atop the trees and covering the garden. I gasped and ran to grab my camera. That was my very first time seeing snow in Germany! At the end of January...crazy. It was a foggy, frosty delightful sort of morning. After I had finished marveling, I grabbed my coat and biked to the bakery to get the rolls while the snowflakes swirled around me, creating a fantastic blindfold, but lovely all the same. Once I got home I went to the kitchen and when Jojo came in I smiled and said, "Look outside, Jojo." She glanced nonchalantly at first but then her eyes expanded and she ran up the stairs yelling, "Gary, du glaubst das nicht, du glaubst das nicht!!! Komm schnell!" After which commenced a thunderous pounding of their tiny feet down the stairs as they ran to the kitchen window and examined all the magic spread before their eyes. After breakfast, I took a 2 hour walk through the fields and smiled, prayed, thought about weird things and enjoyed plodding through the powdery trails. I also ate some snow off a branch. It brought me back to the days when mom was so annoyed at the piles of snow all of us kids consumed that she took a big glass dish and melted the snow so we would see all the seeds and dirt and stop eating it. It never quite did the trick. We continued to hurl ourselves into the piles of snow on the deck and eat our way out.


My second semester of school started this week and ends in June. I enjoyed my bike ride but what I enjoyed a bit less were the endless layers needed to block out the cold. The last 2 weeks have been the only time I've truly been cold here. Last weekend I travelled to Bonn and met with some friends to see a concert. We walked through some streets and stopped at a corner that I would have passed by without noticing, but upon closer look there was, in fact, a bar. The minute I walked in it was as if objects were magnetized to my eyes one at a time, zooming in and catching my attention. First I noticed the wooden rafters that created an oddly pleasant claustrophobic atmosphere. Next came zooming to me the oldest piano I've ever laid eyes upon. After that was a rusty sewing machine propped in a corner, and lastly were the couches perched on a slightly raised platform. I enjoyed some wonderful folk music, wonderful people and had a flaming shot of Sambuca spill all over my jeans. All in all a memorable evening! The trains didn't get us to Dusseldorf until the middle of the night and I took a bus to my friends place during which we spoke with a crazy guy! Every time I asked him a question he would shove a handful of fries into his mouth. I finally dropped onto a mattress sometime after 3:30 and slept for 5 hours. Woohoo. But the upside is I got to ride on my friend's motorbike to church!!! That was sensational. I want one.


Karneval is beginning to begin and I'm really excited! It's time for me to collapse into the warmth of my bed. As always, I miss you all! Katie, I'm so proud of you for getting accepted into Marymount Manhattan College and will be praying for you. Mom, you somehow manage to make sense of my ramblings and questions and sort through all the thoughts and notions in my crazy head. Thanks for that! I love getting advice from you. To end this I would just like to say that sometimes I get a bit down about practically everything, but at this moment when I looked back to August 2011 I can smile and see how much I've grown, changed, and been strengthened. I am so immensely thankful for the opportunity to have this time away and experience the world. I feel very small sometimes, the more I see and learn about the world. But sometimes being small is quite fun.  

Dream a little dream of me.

Hope is brought in the oddest of forms. Today as I sat on the train taking me home from church, a man next to me asked what I was reading and got really excited that my Bible was in English. That struck a conversation between us and we talked for 15 minutes in German as I explained what I was doing here, etc etc. During the conversation he told me I spoke lovely German and I felt a bubbly happiness rise inside of me at the words. Not just being able to understand them, but because it was a nice compliment for me since I knew I was struggling through sentences and sounding very elementary. Once he left, I looked out the window and couldn't stop a huge smile from coming out. I needed those words. It's hard being out of my element 24/7 but small affirmations that I'm doing okay make a world of difference. January has brought on some melancholy moods, most likely having to do with the bland colors, bland weather and bland schedule that January always brings. Basically, the aftermath of Christmas! I've been feeling extra lonely and out of place, missing home and craving time with my sisters and friends. Craving familiar roads, stores, all of the normal things that I have no access to. But since the Lord provides for our every need, I found myself going to church this morning with my friend Hannah and meeting loads of new young people. I went to lunch with them and even though most of the conversations were in German, I could understand the topics and simply being with other young people was immensely refreshing, just what I needed. Fellowship! Also, I have officially placed myself into a church for good. I initially intended on staying at Christ Church Dusseldorf but the pastor and his wife are leaving for a 5 month sabbatical and they are one of the main reasons I stay there. The other church I like is called Calvary Church Dusseldorf and I love it because it is a mixed language church so the preacher speaks English with a German translator and the worship songs play both languages so I can choose to sing German or English. Sometimes I choose to not sing at all and just listen to the voices praising Jesus in different words but one voice. It's incredible. Also they have a large amount of younger people and I really need to involve myself with others my age. So I am officially attending church solidly every week! Now that I am writing out these blessings I realize I should not be having such glum days. The blessings are so full and colorful, how can I complain? Somehow I find a way, much to my shame. Do you know one of the aspects of Europe in general that I am hopelessly in love with? Well you don't so I will tell you. Almost each time I meet someone they are from a different place. The culture is so rich, so packed with unique backgrounds and stories. It's my favorite part of getting to know people. Finding out where they come from, what their native language is and how they came to be in Germany. I am fascinated by culture. Hey, if you're looking for a good read, pick up the book Shantaram. It will keep you glued to your couch for endless hours! And now I want to go to India.

I like a man who grins when he fights!

Good old Winston...


Earlier this week, Jojo asked me to come to her school and sit in her English class with her so I came to the school on Thursday, thinking I would just be able to sit and see how the class worked. I walked in and she ran to me, boiling over with excitement. "Karly, come!" All the kids around her stared as she began explaining who I was in German. Her close girlfriends that already knew me made sure to give me big hugs and grab my hand or arm whenever possible while they jumped up and down. As I walked into the classroom the teacher came up to me and said hi, then I sat down with Jojo in her chair. As we pulled out her books the teacher said, "Today we will have less book work because we have an interview today!" All I can say is that I was glad it was a class of 9 year olds because I don't like being put on the spot like that! A few of the girls came over to me and gave me drawings. (One of my favorites said, "Hellow Karley") Each child had a piece of paper with which they had colored various designs and written at the top, "Interview with Karly." I stood in front of the class and answered various questions, phrased very carefully and sometimes difficult to understand! They were so darling. Johanna made sure to speak plenty of English with me so everyone could listen to her. She was simply the cutest. All in all, not what I expected but such a blessing! I can't say I didn't enjoy an entire class of 9 year old German children gushing over me, because I did. It was GREAT!!!


This afternoon I played soccer with Gereon and his friend and get this!!! - I wasn't terrible. It was strange. I might have ducked from the ball quite a few times and screamed a lot but I was holding my own against two 11 year old boys! I happen to be very proud of that, laugh if you must. I have never been good at sports and unfortunately I'm not one of those girls who is cute when they're bad. I just annoy everyone around me and I am tragically aware of it. Maybe this summer Gereon will kick me into shape? Get it? Kick! I wish Boogie was here to laugh even though it isn't funny.


Tomorrow evening I am having my pastor and his wife come to dinner and I'm surprisingly nervous! I'm baking cookies tonight and tomorrow I will be making rosemary and lemon salmon, rice, and steamed broccoli with a lemon-almond butter. I'm keeping it simple, but healthy and well flavored because that's what I love. I hope they also love that. It's always risky not doing something like pizza or something fried but that's just not what I like making! I want to showcase my style which is foods that helps my body, not food that hinders it. But anyways, I would love some prayer that they would like it and the evening would go well. I'm returning to Dusseldorf with them and staying over so I can attend church. I am so happy!


I'm attempting to learn akkusativ and nominativ in class right now and can I just say I want to poke my eyes out? But then I think too hard about it and realize that even without eyes I would still have my brain to learn so then I'd have to get rid of my brain and nothing comes to mind (Mind! Get it?!) so I must plunge headfirst (head... I continue to find this punny) into the grammatiks of the language. I don't want to sound like a troll from lack of grammar.


What I am learning right now is what it means to be humbled before God and submissive to His authority in my life. I'm wrestling with a lot of questions and insecurities and would appreciate prayer. Sometimes I feel so wretched I can't even talk to God. I forget that the very essence of God is love. If you have advice I'd love to hear it. John MacArthur has an incredible message about it at this website, http://www.gty.org/  entitled "Drawing Near to God part 1. 


Katie: sometimes I will sit down on the floor and cry because I want to hang out with you.
Kevin: I always brag about you when I'm describing my family. You've got awesome red hair and freckles and you dress perfectly.
Anna: I tend to describe you as an over-achiever. Also, I hate singing A Cappella. I miss our music sessions. (especially the late at night ones when everyone wanted to cut my throat open to shut me up!)
Shan: I have been telling people your name is Clifford. That's better then Shannon anyways right? You're welcome. 
Mom: I get excited clicking on your emails because you always make me laugh so hard. Your sense of humor gets wackier every day. 
Boogie Marie Willis: Appreciating you is insanely easy. Being halfway around the world only makes it easier. I love you, old bean. (I hope you die first so I don't have to get a tattoo. You would look better in one.)
Grandma: you are in fact the best Grandma there will ever be. You embody everything a Grandma should be and even more! I love eating your power packed cookies and I still remember when I came to visit and was sick on the plane over so when I arrived you had made me soup. Mmm! I'm saving up all the great things you do in my memory so I can be an equally amazing Grandma. Or at least give it a good shot! I love you!


I am watching a show with the children about Kung Fu fighters and now I want to hurt someone in a majestic manner.

Life is too short to eat vanilla ice cream and dance with boring men.

Though it would be far too easy for me to talk talk talk away the past month that I have not written about, that seems slightly irrational so instead I decided to write about whatever pops into my head regardless of when it happened. For instance, I have planned out my Friday mornings to bike to Holland and have my Bible study in a cafe along the border. My reasoning is that it's a 2 hour trip both ways so I get my daily exercise, I can speak English with the super cool waiters there since I speak zero Dutch, and I can have the delicious liquor they bring out with my coffee. This week I begin biking to school 3 times a week again. I got a new bike and I really hope no one breaks my lock and steals it this time. I took a train with Devan to the Frankfurt Airport deathly early on Sunday morning. As we stood at the base of the escalators and said our goodbyes, the past month of her stay rushed through my head and I couldn't help but smile despite the sadness. Once I turned and walked away, 2 or 3 tears slipped out as I succumbed to being by myself again. It truly is a curse and a blessing. It's one of the healthiest choices I have made for myself, to step out and be in more solitude with my thoughts and weigh out choices and actions with my own judgement, but it's also necessary for people to have other people in their life. I have to find that balance in my life as I get older. My relationship with God has been a struggle for me this past month. I have pulled away from the intimacy the Lord gives and I have lost some vigor in my growth and knowledge of God. I tend to think it comes from selfishness. When I get wrapped up so tightly in the world and everything around me, I lose sight of Jesus. I lose sight of the truth that none of my good or bad actions lead me to or away from him. He was, is and will be with me forever. But even then, I feel the weight of my sin, I feel the death that stalks me. The creation is groaning, waiting for God. Every muscle, every bone, every fiber of being ache with worldliness, reek of humanism. Veins pulse with unearned blood. Weary of movement yet afraid of stiffening and shriveling, heaving burdens through each curtained day, revealing a host of scars and stains through the veil of the visage. In other words, realizing the weight of my sin really hurts! It's drastically humbling and makes redemption so beautiful. I really miss the snow and chilly air that only Alaska can satisfy me with. I am insanely jealous, despite the cold temperatures. That I will never be jealous of! I always remember trying to start my truck at 5:30am, wrenching the key with both hands and still not being able to turn it on! I simply cannot miss those sorts of things. I do dearly miss the outdoor wilderness though. I miss hiking into the mountains and having no sounds around me. How I miss it! I want to hike so badly! I definitely enjoy the rain here though. It is lots of fun! Each raindrop in a kiss on my face, sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my nose!!! Sometimes it even hails and I love the strong winds. So let me go now to some brighter notes about my life! I am actually having a grand day so I should stop writing about struggles. I have so many blessings! Devan and I went to a town called Aachen and I am in love with it. We had cake and coffee at the oldest cafe in the city (and this city is oooold) and there were stairs and curves and all sorts of crazy designs going on! It was cramped and cozy and oh so cultural. I fell in love. We visited a beautiful church and saw some sculptures of Charlemagne. When we biked to the Netherlands, I was reminded of Alaska. We biked down a windy road that was surrounded by forests, and randomly a small cottage would pop into sight but it was so wild looking that I didn't want it to end! Belgium was fantastic. Devan and I did not see the famous statue but decided we didn't need to since we saw a billion replicas in every store. We had such fun strolling through all the small streets, eating samples of chocolates and pastries, learning about monk made beer and peering into numerous lace shops. So pretty! Devan found an entire store of miniatures. I could have created a mini life. I oohed and awed at everything in sight for quite some time. I was enamored! We accidentally wandered through a sketchy part of town. There was not a white person in sight and the roads were creepy and dark. So that was thrilling of course. We met some cool people and it was fun hearing all the French again! I love listening to it. Devan recognized some words and we enjoyed hearing everyone around us. I had a wonderful birthday/new year by the way! All the friends I met from our Juist vacation came to celebrate and there were piles of streamers, piles of food, plenty to drink, and dancing dancing dancing!!!!! More fun than dancing was watching everyone else dance. Soooo fun!!! I had a ball. We drank champagne while the fireworks went off around town and I wore a gold lacey dress and sparkly shoes that Devan was so kind to lend me. They looked like dorothy shoes except pure gold!!! Naturally I felt like a princess. Homework is currently beckoning to me so I must be up up and away.