Hopefully, hopefully hopefully!

"Thou art my life - I the brook, thou the spring. Because thine eyes are open, I can see; Because thou art thyself, 'tis therefore I am me."
-George MacDonald (Diary of an Old Soul)


I've always been a very confident person. I generally don't crumble down what I think to suit the fancy of others, but instead take pride in what I think and fight to make my points known. If anything, I have to take a step back and be more open to what others have to say. I know who I am and I know what I want. Usually. It's funny (and by funny I mean that it's actually not that funny) because the past 20 months or so, all of that stubbornness, confidence, and assurance dwindled and filtered out of me until I wasn't even sure what I thought about anything in the world, let alone myself. It was a smack in the face that I'd been living through my jaded eyes alone. I'll be honest, I love having confidence and I love knowing what I want! But the Lord has humbled my heart to recognize my daily task of opening my eyes to hear what he has to say and to what others around me have to say with an open mind.

I'm planning a weekend trip over Easter to a town in the north of Germany called "Rostock." I'll be staying with a family that I've never met, but have contact with through the ministry program leader that I've been talking to for the past 7 months or so. They'll be able to meet me and advice which Bible school I should attend as well as discussing the ministry options available in Germany that would suit my personality and strengths. I'm really excited to meet them and see how the Lord unfolds his plans. My tentative ideas at this point are to finish my year as an Au Pair, which will end December 2013. During that time, I will hopefully pass my German exam in May 2013 and have the ability to study here and to have a job. Once January 2014 hits, I'll hopefully begin Bible college immediately and study there until either the summer or another extra semester, totaling about a year. This will prep me to work in any sort of outreach or ministry here in Germany, where speaking the language would be very important, especially in Biblical terms. That said, studying the Bible in German would definitely be a challenge for me if I chose a German course! But isn't it crazy how the Lord leads every little step of our lives? At this point last year, I was struggling about whether I wanted to extend my stay as an Au Pair or go back home to Alaska. I had no idea what I wanted, and now I look back and see how much the Lord has done during that time and my mouth drops open. I never expected any of the things that have happened here. Any of them! Yes, there are still a lot of hopefullys in the next few years! Thankfully, that's where faith comes in, and it will not disappoint. I know that the best place to be is in His will, and that's where I am and where I will stay, through struggles and pains. And I'll come straight out and say that sometimes I really don't want to be in His will. All I want is to be out of it. But those are the moments that define your faith, whether it's a reality or a fanciful notion to make you feel good. There's something about Germany that touches my heart so deeply and unexplainably. The magic of newness never dies. My biggest hopefully is that the Lord will be to stay here for a good while yet.

Thanks to Robert, I'm embarking into the pages of a marvelous book! Here's a section in the beginning that I particularly loved.
"My hope is that we will all continue to struggle. We must never assume that we have arrived. Yet there is no virtue in sheer skepticism. We look with a jaundiced eye at those who are always learning but never coming to a knowledge of the truth. God is delighted with men and women of conviction. Of course, he is concerned that our convictions be according to truth."

1 Peter 5:7

Karneval! Dancing and singing all over the streets, in all the restaurants, clubs and bars, and not a person in sight with normal clothing. Naturally, it's quite a bundle of fun. My weekend was well spent in Cologne and today I watched another "train" (like a parade) in Erkelenz with the kids. During part of the train, I saw the tiger duck! Which was my costume so I was pretty excited. (The tiger duck is a cartoon for kids here.) Now the children are stuffed with scrambled eggs and toast and are watching some tv before bedtime. I've finished washing all my clothes from the weekend that smell like smoke and beer. Not my favorite aroma. Jojo had to air out her costume after our evening in Cologne because it smelled so bad!

Oh how I am going to miss Hannah Easley. She is leaving me in a few weeks and I've been in denial for too long. She was the first person I met right after I prayed for a friend who believes in Jesus. And this past year and a half we've lived through the crazy happenings of venturing in a foreign land together. I'm not sure how I will continue that venture without her sarcastic comments and snide remarks that keep me laughing. Yesterday after church, while we walked through the city to get some lunch, I got so sad and couldn't deny it any longer. I will miss her so dearly.

You know how sometimes it's so difficult to know a person? To feel close to their heart and understand them as much as they understand themselves, or perhaps even more? And then do you know how sometimes it's so easy? Why is that? I'm imagining the people in my head that were so easy for me to know. I quickly understood their heart. And I'm also imagining how that "knowing" compares to the depth of how our Saviour knows us. And it's never difficult for him. He looks at a person and goes straight to their heart. It's displayed all over the gospels whenever he meets people. It's so beautiful, and when I put that comparison in my head, I feel an explosion of warmth at the richness with which he knows me. And not only that, but his knowing is greater than mine, because he created me from the inside out. When my eyes fail me, he is my vision. When my heart fails me, he is my guide. When my strength fails me, he is my rock. When I tilt my head down and see the disaster that's overtaken every aspect of my being, when I see clearly ever error spread all over me, that's when I have to throw down the pride that tears me constantly from him. And then he comes, and he comes with strength, and faithfulness, and great love. He takes care of me gently and sweetly and miraculously. And I never want to live by my own will again, because he is my delight, my glory, and my satisfaction. And this all sounds so wonderful doesn't it? Because it is! And somehow I throw it away again and again for any little obstacle that wraps itself in beauty and lures me in. Who am I kidding, they're not always beautiful. When they're ugly I want them too and I take them. And then it's so difficult to know myself, even just to know myself to the extent that I do, which is faint in comparison to how Jesus knows me. And then my eyes widen in horror that he knows me so well and wonder because he loves me still. He sees what he created me to be, and what I will be when he returns. Complete in him, at rest, whole. My name is written in his book and I am rescued by the only one strong enough to wash away my wrongs and make me right. 'Oh God be my everything, be my delight Be Jesus, my glory, my soul satisfied!'

My heart will choose to say,

Lord, blessed be your name.
Yesterday, I picked a shirt off the floor and told Jojo, "I think this shirt is dirty." She glared at me and replied, "It's not dirty, it's thirty." Words failed me. I also learned how to play chess this week. I'm 21 and I'd never known how to play it. And now I got taught by 2 children describing all the pieces to me with random German words that I didn't know. Life is weird. But I understand the game now!!! I have yet to beat one of them...one time Johanna killed me with one of her pawns. That was a low moment! School is going really well right now. I'm one of the few people who will actually willingly participate in class, so it gives me a good advantage to practice speaking. The weather is starting to be more like spring which is lovely. I don't like wearing all my winter layers while I bike, it's so irritating! My Alaska bike is doing quite well, I just bought a protector for my tires since I've been getting mud sprayed all over my back. And it's so fun finally riding through the fields on it after all the months of riding through those same fields wishing to be on my own bike. It's quite wonderful!!! Oma (Britta's mom) had surgery on her foot so she's staying at our house right now and I have to say, I'm really enjoying her company! I have someone who I can ramble to in German, and I've surprised myself how much I can pull out of my head! This past week I haven't hardly thought in English!!! During my bike ride today, while the rain poured down upon me as I made my way through the muddy fields, I thought back again to August 2011 and what lengths I've come to in understanding and speaking German. Every time I think about my progress (It's not too often) I'm amazed at how much more I have learned than I thought was possible for me. I speak things that I never learned or studied, but just came out because I heard them over and over until I finally understood how to use them myself. It really beats studying out of a book!!! Although I do that too... but I learn so much more from listening and applying then from any book, to be honest. With that said, I'm really pumped right now about the test in May! Let's hope that lasts over the next few months. :) Tomorrow I'm leaving the house at 9am and riding my bike to Holland. I haven't done it since I've been home, and I'm venturing to Roermond, which will take me much longer than my usual destination. It's gonna be an all day biking trip and I'm sooooooo excited! I haven't taken a weekend to myself in a while. I always think that it'll be so sad and lonely, but when I get on my bike and spend time outside, sit at a cafe and read, and walk through a new city and look around, I find high enjoyment in it all! I think that's very important to be comfortable spending quality time alone. So this weekend is looking pretty bright to me. It's odd, because the past month or two have been filled with a lot of sadness that I'm not accustomed to. And somehow I felt that this blog would turn into a serious, thoughtful string of words, but it's completely opposite. As I keep typing, I'm discovering how incredibly blessed I am and it makes me so thankful.