Even Though

The difficulties in my heart have paled in comparison to the grandeur of the past few days. Through a few nighttime walks about the city, sunny afternoons with the kids and the steadfast love and faithfulness from the Lord, my heart feels worlds lighter! Apart from the normal empty spot where all the people I miss should be. Even my friends in Germany have departed for holiday! Hannah and I happened upon a headphone party at a beach near Essen. We were so astonished at how extremely unsocial it was but after a few hours gave in and grabbed some headphones. It was quite magical out on the sand in the dark with the moon shining above us! And naturally, we met quite a few crazy folks which is always interesting. 

Upon the arrival of my family from their holiday, they had guests the very next evening staying for a few days. Busy busy busy! As always. But I like busy! This family was so wonderful too. They are very musical and after the initial greeting, they walked into the living room and started playing the piano and drums! So I smiled as jazz notes filled my ears. The next day as I was folding some laundry, the dad walked into the room and began to mess around on the piano. Eventually I joined him and we sang together for a while. I felt a rush of warmth come inside of me and then it was gone and I missed Anna.

Friday morning I left with Britta and the kids to Erkelenz so the children could get some new school supplies. After we gathered what they needed from the shop, we stepped out into the sunny streets and began to stroll through the morning market. Jojo found fascination in just about everything she laid her eyes upon, and I couldn't help but smile as her summer dress bounced and twirled around her while she ran to investigate all the excitements spread around us. We found a magic pen that makes the writing invisible unless you shine a light on it, just like one that I used to have as a little girl for my journal so we bought it! She was delighted. At one point, she clung to my arm, rested her head against my shoulder and asked me how long I was staying in Germany. I told her as long as I could and she beamed up at me and replied, "Good." Gereon bought a model airplane to paint and construct and we both looked at each other afterwards as I told him, "Hey Gereon, now you 'have got a hobby!'" We had a good laugh over that. I thought fondly of mom as we walked through the market with our weaved baskets picking out fresh fruits and breads. We even bought a plum cake! The afternoon was bright and sunny so we spent it outside in the garden. We ate Quark with fresh strawberries and the kids played in the pool. During the afternoon I sat outside with them and carved shapes out of "speck stein" (soapstone.) It looks like chalk but it's much softer and by the time we finished, my legs were even whiter than their normal pale complexion. Later in the afternoon, I drank a coffee and ate the plum cake with some cream while the kids continued carving. We also re-did the Olympic games which was funny. Oh! I forgot to mention! I had such perfect meals. Breakfast was the porridge I'd bought in Ireland while I drank coffee out of my O'Loughlin mug. Lunch was the fresh fruit and yogurt from the market and dinner was the fresh bread plus pesto and my favorite cheese. I love days like that!

The kids and I were watching tv on Friday evening. Gereon walked over to the cupboard to look for some chips after Jojo and I finished the pringles he'd wanted. Inside the cupboard is a giant egg about the size of my head that is displayed next to the chips. I don't know why, but it just is. I was watching tv as he opened the cabinet and searched for a few minutes. Then I looked over as he turned around and holding the giant egg in his hands he said, "I guess I'll just eat an egg." I have not laughed so richly since a very long time. Him standing there in his pjs with his spindly legs, holding the egg. It was just took much. 

Late in the evening I took a walk that intensified my love for Germany. It was just dark enough to be magical but not frightening. I love walking on the cobblestones, hearing the leaves rustling, the music from the bars, the otherwise peaceful aura surrounding me, the smell that comes from the vast variety of green everywhere, the ducks crossing the street as I walked by the pond, passing my favorite tree, hearing the calming chimes of the church bells, the squeaks of the tiny insects, and the peace and charm that expanded inside my heart. All a gift from God. 

Today I will most likely take a bike trip with Christoph and Gereon and afterwards we're grilling some fish out on the terrace. It's windy today but sunny so I'm not too warm but still can enjoy the sunshine. I've spent a lovely weekend with my family and still have the whole of today to continue! Tomorrow starts my studying. :) Woohoo! 

You know, even though I try at times to wallow in struggles or be upset about myself, God pulls me right up and doesn't allow it! He strengthens me continually and pushes me to do better, see clearer, go farther, praise Him through it all. I love Him. 

die Wahrheit

I realized I've been giving Him nothing. Absolutely zero percent of myself. Not to say that I'm not already His. But when I curled up on my couch today and looked up at the ceiling, the words came out from me before I registered what I'd even said. And there's no going back. I know now that it's true. I directed my passion, my love, my joy, my anger, my hurt, my confusion, my generosity all towards anything and everyone except for Him. The one I claim to be deeply in love with. A second realization slipped in while I was processing the first. I'm so afraid to allow myself the fullness of living in His grace because I'm afraid that I don't love Him deeply enough to faithfully follow Him knowing it's nothing I can do to earn Him. It sickens me to say that disgusting truth, but there it is. Bared before my Creator. He saw it all along, far before I did. I am living in a trap of half-hearted love and chained obedience. I want the freedom of intense love and the freedom of deep grace, every single day. I want it. My want is failing me. Terribly. And how does He respond? He provides. Bountifully. I don't doubt His existence. I don't doubt His Word. I don't doubt his wrath. I don't doubt His goodness. I doubt His love. And love...isn't that the one that binds it all together? He IS love, after all. Doubting His love doubts His very essence. And here I sit, all folded up, shut in. Reluctant to unfold myself and risk. Risk the lack of love I might have. Risk the impossibility of the greatest Love imaginable. Risk dropping all my pride and admitting that He is great enough to love me. Because I know He is. He's great enough to love the entire creation. 

That is the reality of where my heart has been the past 2 months. It's humbling for me to write this out. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I would love advice. I know it is one of the steeper, rockier sections of my path to the Lord and He will be faithful to guide me. I'm keeping my eyes on Him. Thinking of you all and missing you, as always.

The Twist

Objectives: 

Escape comfortable habits. 

Work with children. 

See another part of the world. 

Results? 

The embracement of newness that transformed into habits. The indescribable joy of re-living my childhood with two german kids I cherish close to my heart. The bridges crossed, the barriers broken, the explosion of the world before me. It was as if a layer was ripped from my eyes and threw me deep into the criss-crossing roads of life. What I saw before is now seen differently. What I thought before is now thought differently. I learn, love, question, enjoy, explore differently.

Germany has brought many twists and turns, but squinting back to that first day in July of last year, when I clicked the button and bought my one-way ticket, I see the biggest twist Germany brought to my life. I clicked that button so I could search out what it meant to have blood pumping through my veins with the thrill of adventure and the unknown. To appease the gaping chasm filling my heart and churning in my gut. Those two things have indeed happened! No questions there! But the twist I did not ask for and did not expect was that I would fall so deeply in love with this country. Without meaning to, I let Germany wreathe it's way into my heart, soul and life. I have become shaped and altered by the culture I'm surrounded by without losing the core roots of my character. 

During a weekend with the kids, somehow we ended up running through the house with Gereon's drumsticks as our wands and casting spells at each other. After a time, we were running out of Harry Potter words and when I yelled, "sectumsempra" at Gereon, he pointed his wand at me and deflected it with "Nein!" to which I replied, "doch!" The following 15 minutes consisted only of those two spells and eventually we called a truce. 

I'm remembering that day when I burst into tears by the dishwasher and Britta had to talk with me for a good long while before I calmed down. The very next morning I was trying my best to keep my head up instead of break into a million pieces like I wanted! As the children were getting ready to head off to school, Jojo ran over to me jumped right into my arms, giving me a big kiss and exclaiming, "I love you!" before running off to the car. It was one of those moments where I saw the vastness of not only God's love for me but also how intensely He knows my heart and what touches me deepest. 

Gereon and I were cleaning all the legos in his room one day and I was singing along all crazy to the radio. He started laughing at me and eventually said, "You will become a famous rockstar because of how bad you are." That same afternoon, Jojo caught a bug and named it Nova. She has also decided that if I ask her any sort of question that starts with "why" she will respond with, "why not!?" to which I can only laugh at her spunk and spirit. I was in the kitchen one afternoon getting some water and Gereon was standing at the counter scraping his piece of flint rock across his plastic water bottle.  I told him to be careful or it would break. After a few minutes, I looked at him and asked, "Why are you doing that anyways?" to which he replied with a forlorn expression on his face, "I don't have got a hobby." And these stories are the concrete reasons for why I love spending time with the kids.

I experienced the most enriching german conversation in a taxi last week. After telling the driver where I needed to go, I decided to practice my german so I asked him a few questions to get him talking. After he loosened up a bit, we got talking for almost 30 minutes and it was the first time I felt a glimpse of myself in the language as I spoke. I had the tiniest glimmer of a personality in the midst of the grammar and vocabulary limitations. I never faltered in a sentence, I understood everything he spoke, I even interjected sometimes if I had something to add! I felt truer to myself than I have ever felt while speaking german. 


I've been eating my breakfast in the cellar because it's so hot everywhere else. Call me crazy, but I will not enjoy a steaming mug of coffee during breakfast if the sun is shining on me and warm air is stifling me! The fields have been especially breathtaking lately because the corn and wheat are growing and I enjoy the fresh smells and arrays of color. I'm really enjoying this lovely month as Autumn gets closer. :) It's crazy to experience 4 seasons!