Beautiful Limbo

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” 

-George Bernard Shaw

A beautiful limbo! That's where I find myself these days. Waiting and ripping. I'm being pulled back and forth between what I want and what I want. So do two wants void any want or double the want?
I spent three days in Hannover with some relatives of one of my friends. They were so gracious and opened their home to me so generously. We cooked and baked together and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Their home is on a hill overlooking the city of Hannover and I sat on the terrace and wondered how I am continuously brought to places and circumstances I could never have foreseen. My heart is thankful. I got to have a tour of a dentist office that's bigger than the house I grew up in and I daresay I enjoyed it. I spent an afternoon motorbiking through little villages and landing in Hannover eventually to stroll around and chill with other bikers and drink cappuccinos and I chilled in the coolness of everyone around me. I was brought back to the month of October in 2011 when I was freshly entering the world of Europe and I happened upon another unforeseen circumstance spending two weeks in Italy in a villa, motorbiking through the mountains and guzzling coffee like water. That was my first time on a motorbike and I remember feeling that rush, that freedom, that danger, that pure bliss of the wind through my clothes and the speed clenching my muscles. I will never forget that first day. So when I came upon another chance to feel all those feelings, I jumped on it. I did! I jumped on that motorbike and let every thought rush out of head and into the wind behind me. Moment by moment I enjoyed every one of them because I wasn't thinking about them. The rich reds and burnt oranges of the stone cottages and the cramped cobblestones underneath me and the beautiful churches and all the tiny details like the shapes of the houses and the curves of the roads, and just everything, everything. I was there. And I love it when each moment, each second hits you and explodes all over you and time is not time for a time. Pure joy.

There is a brewery nearby their home and I went to get beer for our dinner with the dad in the family. We walked in and talked with the bartender for a while and then he bought me a beer that was only brewed there and could only be drunk there. It didn't come in a bottle or a cask. And it was divine. It looked like Guinness, but tasted lighter and almost fruity, but not, because I don't like fruity beer. And it had a strength and a smoothness that words cannot describe. Once again, pure joy, every sip!

There are so many small things, small joys that I do not write down. Some moments are best left where you lived them.

I was in a small village called Springe last week and I found a new writing book. Although my current writing book is not filled, I couldn't help but to come straight home and write in it!!! It's one of the fanciest ones I've ever had and therefore I decided it only deserved fancy words. Here are my first pages worth.

You and me in a muddled mystery. The world you see is not for me and what I cling to sets you free, so let us wander in our messy, tangled mystery.

You matter to me
I matter to him
She matters to you
But where does this leave us but black and blue?


'I don't like words and I do like words'

You. Too personal and too broad at the same time.
You. Means too little and then too much.
You. Are too many to count and too few to matter.
I miss.
You.
Who?

Is love free? Does love make us free? Can love keep us free? If you love me and I love you, who began this love and who will carry it through? Always, there is a stronger lover.

My fingernails scratch off the layers of security that wrap me entirely and coil up around me; Don't you wish you could know me and live here beside me to haunt and to guide me, but your love will not find me. The skin that won't shed has turned red and gone raw and I still cannot find me inside of it all, so I frantically rip and I tear and I slip into permanent nothingness, all is irrelevant, you have no residence, no one is free.

Never

Never ever ever is anything the way I expect it! That sentence will bother my mom because it's so dramatic and leaves no room for change. But I do love a tidbit of exaggeration every once in a blue moon. Great, now I want a beer. Which actually would be no problem since I'm back in the land where beer is drunk like water! I am daily torn between missing Alaska and wanting to never again be away from my family and wanting to stay and explore here more and more and see every inch of Europe and settle here and make a life for at least a few years. The good thing is, I could very well fail in my efforts to stay here anyways, in which case my decision would be made for me! So I'm going to lay it all out nice and clearly for those who aren't aware of my current life situation:

Last year while I was still in Germany, I happened to chance upon a job opportunity in Cologne and went in for an interview at a company where I would teach Business English. I got the job and the plan has been for me to move back to Germany in May and work there. But I also had in my head to apply at universities here so I could study. So when I arrived a few weeks ago, I applied to a school and took a math test. My hopes are not exponentially high to be completely honest, because this math test involved calculus, everything was in German, and in the middle of the test, my calculator died… soooo that wasn't the best of luck. BUT I tried and I think that is the most important part of anything I do in my life. So I'm waiting to see if I get into the school so that I can decide if I'm taking the job or not and I'm also putting out my feelers for other possibilities in the case that both of my plans fail me. I love having numerous back up plans. Through all the wonderful people I know here, I've been blessed to always have a good roof over my head, a bed, food, and love and encouragement while I try to begin something in a foreign country. I couldn't ask for more and I didn't expect even half of what I've had. It's really so much more than I ever thought. The Heinens are of course the most loving family I could ever dream of having and I couldn't have accomplished all that I have in the past years without them pushing me to achieve more and always having an open door. I am so thankful for them. My dear friend Julia also opened up her living room for me and then told her parents about me, so through a series of events, I now am staying in her old room at her parents house in a small city 15 minutes by train from Cologne. From there, I am more easily able to pursue all my possibilities here in Germany. And let me tell you, they are SO generous! I felt immediately welcomed and comfortable and they showered me with hospitality. I arrived yesterday afternoon and her dad rode his bike so I could ride mine back to the house with them and learn the trail from the train station. Then he made sure I got a new bike lock, fixed my brakes, and is buying a new bed tomorrow for my room. We grilled outside in the garden and ate delicious food together and drank beer and wine and apfelschorle and it was glorious. This morning I helped prepare breakfast and it was of course, simply divine. They've given me a phone and offered to always come pick me up if I'm out late and can't catch a train, and I'm not paying for a thing… the small things matter to me right now, so having free shampoo and towels and lotion, not to mention food and everything all for free.. it's more than I ever imagined and I'm able to look through my options here without giving out all the money I worked for during my time in Alaska. I can't even express how thankful I am. So that's where I'm at right now. Tomorrow I should know if I got into the school, and I'll be speaking with many other people this week about other ideas of what I could do here, so it's going to be an exciting week! It's insanely hot here and I am taking showers daily. (Katie will be happy to hear that!) And I spent a lovely weekend with friends on the sea and barbecuing and other marvelous things. My head is pounding a little since I'm no longer used to drinking beer more than a few times a day, but other than that I'm so so happy! So for now, every day is an adventure to see what happens and what results will come. I'm loving and hating it. But mostly loving it.