Beautiful Limbo

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” 

-George Bernard Shaw

A beautiful limbo! That's where I find myself these days. Waiting and ripping. I'm being pulled back and forth between what I want and what I want. So do two wants void any want or double the want?
I spent three days in Hannover with some relatives of one of my friends. They were so gracious and opened their home to me so generously. We cooked and baked together and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Their home is on a hill overlooking the city of Hannover and I sat on the terrace and wondered how I am continuously brought to places and circumstances I could never have foreseen. My heart is thankful. I got to have a tour of a dentist office that's bigger than the house I grew up in and I daresay I enjoyed it. I spent an afternoon motorbiking through little villages and landing in Hannover eventually to stroll around and chill with other bikers and drink cappuccinos and I chilled in the coolness of everyone around me. I was brought back to the month of October in 2011 when I was freshly entering the world of Europe and I happened upon another unforeseen circumstance spending two weeks in Italy in a villa, motorbiking through the mountains and guzzling coffee like water. That was my first time on a motorbike and I remember feeling that rush, that freedom, that danger, that pure bliss of the wind through my clothes and the speed clenching my muscles. I will never forget that first day. So when I came upon another chance to feel all those feelings, I jumped on it. I did! I jumped on that motorbike and let every thought rush out of head and into the wind behind me. Moment by moment I enjoyed every one of them because I wasn't thinking about them. The rich reds and burnt oranges of the stone cottages and the cramped cobblestones underneath me and the beautiful churches and all the tiny details like the shapes of the houses and the curves of the roads, and just everything, everything. I was there. And I love it when each moment, each second hits you and explodes all over you and time is not time for a time. Pure joy.

There is a brewery nearby their home and I went to get beer for our dinner with the dad in the family. We walked in and talked with the bartender for a while and then he bought me a beer that was only brewed there and could only be drunk there. It didn't come in a bottle or a cask. And it was divine. It looked like Guinness, but tasted lighter and almost fruity, but not, because I don't like fruity beer. And it had a strength and a smoothness that words cannot describe. Once again, pure joy, every sip!

There are so many small things, small joys that I do not write down. Some moments are best left where you lived them.

I was in a small village called Springe last week and I found a new writing book. Although my current writing book is not filled, I couldn't help but to come straight home and write in it!!! It's one of the fanciest ones I've ever had and therefore I decided it only deserved fancy words. Here are my first pages worth.

You and me in a muddled mystery. The world you see is not for me and what I cling to sets you free, so let us wander in our messy, tangled mystery.

You matter to me
I matter to him
She matters to you
But where does this leave us but black and blue?


'I don't like words and I do like words'

You. Too personal and too broad at the same time.
You. Means too little and then too much.
You. Are too many to count and too few to matter.
I miss.
You.
Who?

Is love free? Does love make us free? Can love keep us free? If you love me and I love you, who began this love and who will carry it through? Always, there is a stronger lover.

My fingernails scratch off the layers of security that wrap me entirely and coil up around me; Don't you wish you could know me and live here beside me to haunt and to guide me, but your love will not find me. The skin that won't shed has turned red and gone raw and I still cannot find me inside of it all, so I frantically rip and I tear and I slip into permanent nothingness, all is irrelevant, you have no residence, no one is free.