Write it out!

This weekend is new and scary and exciting. And I will explain more next week! I've always loved to write. But especially in the past 19 months, I've developed a deep love for writing about all sorts of different concepts. I finally understand what Anna said when she told me she pretends to write from other people's perspectives. Because my own life just isn't enough I guess! Anyways, my train ride to Rostock inspired some writing to take place. I'm contemplating putting together a compilation of my stories and making a book! The first three are from today and the others are from the past few months. And there are yet older ones on facebook. 

Weakling

Little skeleton branch, why do you perch on that solid trunk? Does your pride keep you clinging or is it that voice in the wind stirring you to strain for strength? You are not strong, you know. It seems that one stormy night would break you off and snap you into miniscule, insignificant fragments. I want to tell you that you're a fool and that you aim too high. But somehow there is beauty in your frailty. The trunk holds you firm and you've placed yourself in it's sturdy foundation. And in that beautiful frailty I see a sort of strength. And I long for it. I look much better than you and much stronger and I seem secure through every storm, but I am dying and you are living. The storms wear me down and weaken me. But you? They only seem to strengthen your little skeleton self. I want to have strength, but only for myself and from myself. The view of you on that trunk is distant to me now as I carve my own way through the wind and sleet. I can't give up my precious mirage of strength that clothes me so securely. You are naked and ugly and you are weak and frail. But you are living and I am dying. What you found I cannot find a way to want. The only thing I do want is to want it. You've found rest and a peculiar beauty and a tender strength. And I will continue growing in my own strength, stronger and stronger until I die. And I am dying and you are living.

To Stop, To Turn, To Look

Oh, to have eyes in the back of my head. I'd continue looking at you while moving forward. To keep my gaze on light and beauty deters me from the thorny trail that leads to you. For all the could bes and what ifs and might have beens instead there lies only my muddy footprints as a constant display of my unattainable, ever distancing desire. You are a thorn in my flesh, you are clinging to my skin, and you are inside of me. No matter that I passed you by and kept treading forward. No matter, because you linger on my body. Ever present, ever painful, ever constant to remind the flesh of what the heart is without. Though my skin is covered with your presence, my heart remains empty. I miss you and I never had you. I want you and I never got you. I love you and I never stop.

Lose it

I wish I could lose his love. Accidentally drop it in the ditch or leave it behind in a restaurant. But love, like honey, is sticky and sweet. My soul clings to him, my heart is swept away with him, and I wish I could lose love. He's drawing my head to his chest and this pulls me into an eternalized moment, held captive by time only through the constant beat of his heart against my cheek. And suddenly I am the one that's lost.

Ghost

When his arms surround me, time is made to rest. Intertwining fingers, love, you love the best. Pouring from my eyes, my heart, are words without a voice. I tilt my head to look at you, my love, my reason to rejoice.

  

What a big world that I am trapped in. I walk the streets, see the pretty lights, hear the music from the clubs, and my bones go cold for lack of you. What a strange, tender love that I have fallen into. I step into a bar, dance the night away, and let a smile lift my cheeks to hold up the tears seeking escape. This world is big without you in it. My body is foreign without you beside it. If I could climb out of the earth that surrounds me like a pit, then I could crawl into your arms and rest in your timeless embrace. But this big world has trapped me and as it it swallows, it rips me further and further away from any shred of hope that your face would be before my eyes once again. I let the night be cold on my skin as I slip away into the dark streets. I sit down and pour out my heart on the pavement until I am empty of me and empty of you. And there on the stones, we are together. 

Finger-painting with your blood

I draw the story of our love

Smear you all across the page

Wipe my hands upon my face

My fiery words devoured your flesh

Crept to your heart and turned to ash

I watched your eyes slide into death

They looked towards me with innocence

Your soul is soaked in sweet, sweet mercy

My hands are wet, they're cold and bloody

I drug the dagger through my chest

To rip away the emptiness

My eyes are turning to the sky

Your ashes lightly drifting by

A fire seeps into my skin

Hot shame that burns me deep within

My hands they clawed into my chest

And ripped away the selfishness

It's residue clings to my fingers

My sin, my sin forever lingers

For What Was

Sadness comes over me and seeps inside of me. I grab hold tightly of Anger and swallow him quickly as he burns down my throat. All too soon, Pain is within me and he blends into Anger and Sadness. Crippling Fear manages to stir its way into the concoction whirring inside my gut. And then Vulnerability slips into my mouth and creeps down my throat. She weaves her way into the churning tumbles of my insides and sends herself into my veins so that I'm enveloped, devoured by her. She overwhelms me and even Fear isn't strong enough inside me to open his eyes and fight. Fear, Pain and Anger cower inside my belly while Vulnerability defeats my being, mocking me for what was.

Spetember 10th, 2012

And just when I was done with it all, I came back and crawled over to your lap and you took me gently. But when all the rules have been broken, I won't need you anymore to tell me what to do or how to say what I'd like to say, except that all the good things in this world come at the most terrible cost.

A Stones Throw Away

I put my cozy, wool socks from Italy on, painted my nails black and straightened my hair and now I've snuggled myself into this desk chair to write about anything and everything. I have the entire afternoon free this Saturday and I'm going stir crazy. I've been sick all week and being calm was so annoying. Now other than a stuffy nose, my old self is back and I feel like jumping out into an ice cold ocean or running through a jungle or something crazy that doesn't involve being at home drinking tea.  Not that I don't love drinking tea while reading a good book...but I'm bubbling over with the want of something bright and fun. I want to go out dancing or take a run along the Rhine or even jump into the Rhine! And somehow this evening finds me completely alone in my room. At this desk. So I will write. I have to continuously learn that life brings you what you usually don't expect and quite often what you don't particularly want. I have a day that I don't actually want and I'm trying to solve that problem. My hair feels soft and smooth and my nails make me think of Boogie and my feet are warm and snuggly, but it's just not cutting it. What can cut it though? Will these words slice right through my dissatisfaction? I don't think they will. Instead I will let my thoughts wander onto this screen and let the minutes slip away as I drift into the world of words. Sometimes it's hard to delve deep into my purest, untouched thoughts. The ones no one invaded and wrapped their opinion around. The pure thoughts surprise me. They are light from the lack of weight of pre-concieved ideas. Because then I am one layer. No opinions wrap me up. I fear entering that place where all is accepted but never penetrates the heart or sparks the tingling inside your body. Emotion is scary. It's embarrassing and it's dramatic. It can be laughed at or scoffed at and it can be confusing to some and clear to others. Emotion is something greatly feared but greatly desired. I cannot deny emotion in my life, and not only because I am young and growing and learning. But because it's untouchable in it's purity. It sits on the floor of our hearts and explores it's way through our soul. It pours out through our eyes, comes out from our voices, and exudes from our bodies. Emotion brings both deep pain and bright joy. And if you haven't noticed yet, I'm quite at ease with being emotional!!! 

My mind is turning now to some exciting facts from the past week. I'd been pondering what I'd do for Christmas this year. December is when I'm done being an Au Pair and my initial thought was to start directly with Bible School here in Europe. But then I wanted to see my family over Christmas and then I spoke with my engaged sister who might be getting married in April or May 2014. And then I figured that'd be quite dumb to be flying back and forth from Alaska to Germany and also impossible to afford. And also it's not nice if I fly down just for the wedding and I wouldn't really feel like a part of it. Sooooo I'm contemplating coming home for Christmas (Joe said they'd pay for me!!!!!) and then staying until the wedding so I can be 100% involved in the wedding, spend quality time with my family and save up money for school. Then I'd go back to Germany in the summer or fall to start school. I'm not sold on this plan yet, but it's been lurking in my mind and I'd love prayer about it!!! Being home would be a blessing for me but also hard. But then knowing that I'd be returning to Germany at a specific time would be nice so I wouldn't get too sad. Another prayer request is for my German test. I'm taking it in June and I really want to pass!!! It's really challenging in school and I'm feeling confident but also knowing anything could go wrong so please keep me in your prayers over these next few months! 

Well, this was one of my odder blogs. It's time for some music, some cooking and some wine! Tata for now!

This one's for my family

"Heimweh" literally means "home ache" and that is what I've struggled with the past few weeks. I'm not sure why since Katie is coming in a few months and then Boogie. But I miss them all so terribly and feel so ripped from their lives right now. I just don't like it and here is what I have to say about it in an attempt to lift my spirits.

Mom, I miss your uplifting smile and encouraging words. I miss how open you are about all your children's crazy ideas and how you keep supporting us through mistakes. I miss jumping on your bed late at night and being giggly and talkative while you tried to sleep. I miss how you were torn between being angry and being flattered. I miss coming to you or calling you the second I needed a question answered or a doubt confirmed and getting sound advice that I trusted. Oddly enough, I miss hearing you say ridiculous sentences to the cats with your flowery words.

Anna, I miss SO MUCH waking up to piano. I would hear it from the garage and just lay there relaxed and happy. I miss singing with you and learning the new songs you'd composed. I miss watching movies in your ice cold bed and the pride I felt when I didn't have to move once during the movie. I miss irritating you. I miss how you get really excited about something and then laugh all exuberantly while your hand does this spastic movement in front of you. I miss watching you dance.

Shannon, I miss coming to you for boy trouble and knowing you were so happy to give me advice. I miss you helping me get dressed for hip hop class. I miss your jokes and light humor in not so light situations. I miss eating around you and making you hungry. I miss how easy it was to hang out with you and have fun. I miss singing while you played guitar. I miss how deeply we understood each other in our hurts and how simple it was for us to create music through that together. 

Katie, I miss how well you know me. You can look at me less than a moment and know what's going on instantly. I don't have to try to explain anything to you. I do anyways, but only because I like to talk. I miss you laughing at my stupid, stupid jokes and I miss dancing with you. I miss having you around to talk to and share my heart with. I miss praying with you and hearing what's on your heart. I miss coming home from my day and sharing it with you. I miss you in every moment because you're not next to me in it.

Kevin, I miss your goofy laugh and jokes that get funnier as you get older. I miss how gentle you've always been with us, even though you like to jump on people and hit them. I miss that day when you weren't gentle and we wrestled and I won and mom yelled at us like we were tiny children being scolded. I miss watching your soccer games, your football games and even your baseball games! Because I miss being so proud to cheer for my brother in the stands. I miss watching you grow up and discover where you want to go in life and I wish I was there for that. I miss you.

Maranatha, I miss your sweet soul that is always full of smiles and love and beauty. I miss how loving you are and how true you are. I miss being able to tell you anything and knowing you would love me and even understand me. I miss watching you grow as a woman as you had Sienna and became the wonderful mom that you are. I miss giving you hugs. And I'm so thankful you're my sister. I miss you.

Boogie, I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs and how well you listen. I miss also how well you talk. I miss getting angry at you because you kept me up laughing when I was trying to fall asleep. I miss walking around with you and just having fun spending our day together. I miss fluffing your hair. I miss going to events or parties and knowing it wouldn't get awkward because I could always stand next to you and I'd be okay. I miss finding sticky notes in my dresser at 5 in the morning that helped me start the day when I felt dead. I miss laughing harmoniously with you.

Dad, I miss snowboarding and skiing with you. I miss going out in the woods and learning how to be tough. I miss having you there to make a fire in the middle of the forest so we could steam out our clothes. I miss going off with Shannon and peeling the bark off trees even though you told us to get leaves and sticks instead. I miss learning how to shoot a gun with you and hiking Matanuska Peak with you and Shannon. I miss learning about nature while we were outside. I miss having someone to ask confusing questions to. And I miss you saying strange things that can only invoke laughter. 

Grandma, I miss your hugs. I miss eating your soup and having breakfast of fresh grapefruit with sugar. I miss you pretending to be mad when we ate all the cookies out of the freezer. I miss going shopping with you. I miss talking about old family memories and hearing of your experiences. I miss all those days spent at your house playing and exploring. I miss you so much and I want to spend my days as a Grandma just like you because I have endless memories with you that are irreplaceable. Thank you. :)

Lord Jesus, thank you for my family. Thank you for helping my eyes to look forward when I want to keep them in the past. Thank you for the memories that remind me of how blessed I am and how rich I am, because I am filled to the brim with love! Thank you so much for teaching me through every circumstance and emotion. Please keep working within me and deepening the roots of my faith in you and your infinite love. Thank you for the promise of redemption and life with you. Thank you, Father!!!

The Button Box

I recalled a beloved memory the other day about the afternoons spent at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Anchorage and/or California. There was that dollhouse with all the old dolls  and frilly dresses. There were the books filled with paper dolls. That's how I learned to cut in straight lines! I remember sitting with Grandma while we cut out the clothes and asking her how she could cut so perfectly. She looked at me and said, "Karly, when you're as old as me you'll have just as much practice and be just as perfect." I still remember that when I use scissors. :) I also think of Shannon and how she tattled on my for holding the scissors the wrong way. Then there were all the dress up clothes that we could never get enough of! Silk and lace and everything that makes your eyes brighten as a little girl! Actually, at any age. Then we have the pooping duck that gives you jelly beans from the behind! I'm carrying on that tradition with Jojo and Gereon. If I look to my right from where I'm sitting, there's a crochet duck that Grandma sent me filled with jelly beans for the kids. But the memory that makes me the happiest today is the button box. It seems silly, but that box brought hours of fun! Sorting through and finding matches, finding our top 3 favorite buttons, organizing by color, the games were endless. And it brings me back to the fascination that children have and how vital that is for life to thrive. So, go find your button box and thrive away!!!

Let's see... dancing, singing, playing with hair, acting, drawing, commercials, building tree houses, and drinking hot chocolate. Girls sure know how to have fun!!! Jojo invited 3 friends over the other week and they began their afternoon outside building and creating a home in the trees. When they came inside, I made then hot chocolate with whipped cream and then we played a team competition where I chose activities for them to complete and then chose a winning team. This was a BIG hit! We were busy the entire afternoon with all sorts of tasks. They were unbelievably darling. Hearing two little German girls singing Karneval songs just about sent me over the edge. :) Ahh, priceless moments these are!!!

Jojo and I have been speaking so ridiculously to each other lately. We were playing a game the other day called "Das Verrückte Labyrinth" which means the crazy labyrinth. I asked her, "But why is it a verrückte labyrinth?" And she replied, "Because there's a Fee and a Schlange!" (A fairy and a dragon) I burst out laughing and told her we really needed to stop mixing our sentences with random German or English words. But at the same time, it makes me laugh so much!!! It just isn't the best method for teaching her proper English. At the breakfast table one morning she started singing along with the radio and knew every single word! And here is what she was singing: "When I'm drunk in the morning, I'm calling you, you might be lonely, lonely!" Yes, that is exactly what I wanted her to learn in English. Thank you, German radio so very much.

I was writing an email to my dad and it made me think of my last day in Alaska before I left to come back to Germany. After I figured out I'd missed my flight, Dad paid for Katie and I to stay at a hotel together so I could catch my other flight in the morning without having to drive back into town. It was such a relief from all the stress and emotions that I had from leaving and we had such a blessed evening together. After we settled into our room, we walked over to a steakhouse and had seafood with dad. It was so delicious and our conversation was really enjoyable and as I sat there with thoughts running through my head about leaving and all the emotions behind it, I felt a strong contentment of where I was and who I was with. It was the last sort of evening I would have chosen for my ending in Alaska, but it was far better than I could have ever pictured. I am so thankful for it, and it's one of those odd memories that from the outside seem to have no bright spot of significance, yet on the inside they are infinitely precious. And somehow, those unexpected moments are the very best ones.

After a fun evening at an Irish pub with a friend of mine and church in the morning, I walked over an hour through Düsseldorf along the Rhine to visit Julia and Stephen, who I stayed with for two weeks back when I first came here and had no job. As I got closer to the church where they live (next to it) I looked to my left at the river and was suddenly right back in the shoes of a scared girl in a foreign world, not sure where the next day would take her. I saw the bench that overlooks the river where I would sit for hours, praying and thinking, crying and wondering. And then I walked up to the front door of the two people who took care of me when I needed help the most. I was warmly welcomed and came into the living room to have tea and biscuits while we caught up after over a year of not seeing each other. It was charming and British, exactly how I remember. :) There was a bowl of cream to put on the bisquits with jams and some small cookies. They even brought out a special loose leave tea from Sri Lanka that they save for special guests! So we sat there and sipped our tea and enjoyed enriching conversation. It was a blessed afternoon! And today, I'm looking out upon a beautiful, sunshiny day and I can smell the spring air just begging me to go bike through it! The birds are chirping, the snow is gone and I LOVE SPRING!!! 

Oh, and I'm considering studying Anthropology in the Netherlands!!!