Drei Tage

Die Zeit vergeht unheimlich schnell... nach 28 Monaten, gehe ich wieder zurück nach Hause in Alaska. Während meiner Zeit in Deutschland, habe ich eine Sprache Prüfung bestanden, eine neue Kultur kennengelernt, und auch noch andere Dinge geschafft. Aber ich komme nicht nur mit etwas in der Hand zurück, sondern auch mit etwas in meinem Herzen. Und das ist am wichtigsten, oder? Obwohl ich in fünf Monaten wieder zurück komme, werde ich meine "zweite Familie" sehr vermissen. Die haben mir die Kultur in Deutschland gezeigt und mich in der Familie Willkommen hießen. Ich weiß immer noch den Moment, als ich Christoph zum ersten mal am Bahnhof gesehen hab und wie er mich angelächelt hat. Genau dann wusste ich, dass diese Familie die richtige Familie für mich wäre... und ich hatte Recht! Ich denke an die Kinder und wie sie mich ganz am Anfang gegrüßt hatten, als ich zum ersten mal da war. Ich kam durch die Tür rein und sie kamen die Treppen runter mit Schlafanzüge an und schaute mich süß und schüchtern an. Die Britta hatte mich umarmt und das war's. Familie. :) Und nun muss ich mich zusammenreißen und mich auf Sonntag vorbereiten! Vor ein paar Tagen, lag die Johanna und ich im Bett und sie hat mich umarmt und leise geflüstert, "Karly, I don't want that you go." Ein paar Tränen kamen aus meinen Augen raus als wir da im Dunkelheit lagen. Dann hat sie gefragt ob ich singen konnte, genau wie ich früher immer gesungen hatte. Ich sang ein paar Weihnachtslieder und danach lag ich eine weile neben ihr und versucht den Moment zu genießen. Wenn ich an Gereon denke, dann merke ich wie er sich geändert hat. Nicht mehr ist er ein kleiner Junge, sondern ein junger Mann. Er ist so witzig, manchmal muss ich einfach nur lachen wenn er etwas sagt. Am Anfang, hatte er Angst vor Englisch sprechen und jetzt spricht er unglaublich viel und hat auch Lust drauf!!! Ich freue mich so sehr für ihn und ich bin stolz auf die beiden und wie gut sie Englisch sprechen können. Ich habe nur geredet und mit den Kindern gespielt. DIE haben super Englisch ganz alleine gelernt! Ich würde sagen, ab nach Alaska mit den beiden!
Deutschland ist wie meine zweite zu Hause und ich freue mich schon auf Mai. Ich danke alle meine Freunden, die ich kennengelernt habe und freue mich auf unseren Wiedersehen. Danke, dass ihr in meinem Leben seid!
Am Sonntag, werde ich bestimmt weinen, aber freuen wird auch dabei sein. Meine Familie habe ich unglaublich viel vermisst und auf die Zeit mit denen endlich wieder zu verbringen freue ich mich riesig. Besonders der Moment wenn ich die alle zum ersten mal sehe. :) Daran muss ich denken und dann geht's mir gut, trotz die traurige Gefühle, die auch dabei sind. Ich verabschiede mich nicht, sondern sage ich nur, "bis dem nächsten mal!"

Gathering

I looked down into my lap yesterday and saw a gathering of experiences shooting out short clips of remembrance. I saw the bus driver who gave me gloves and a hat on my first day of German class because it was winter and he thought I should dress warmer. I saw the ferry that took the Heinens and me to the island of Juist where we sat and played card games. I saw the mailman walking up the driveway delivering my bike to me. I saw myself sitting in the exam room, heart racing, as I scribbled out as many grammatically correct German thoughts as possible into my essay. I saw the children running down the stairs on Christmas eve to open their presents. I saw Britta squeezing me tightly and telling me I was like a daughter to her. I saw the platform in Erkelenz where I stepped out to meet Christoph for the first time and saw him smiling. I saw the rope swing tree next to the River Rhine where I would sit and pray during my first lonely weeks. I saw Memo leaning against a lamppost in Cologne while I nervously shook his hand and stammered out what I hoped was my name. I saw Jojo running over and jumping into my arms and smacking a big kiss on my lips before leaving for school, rescuing me from one of the most homesick mornings ever. I saw myself holding a beer and speaking in broken German to Opa in the garden. I saw Gereon and I playing ping pong while I gave him girl advice. I saw myself sitting on the stairway crying and wanting to go home. I saw my mom standing in the drunkards corner by the train station in Duesseldorf with a bright pink vest and running to hug her after 13 months of her absence. I saw Johanna walking up the church aisle in her first communion dress, glowing. I saw myself biking through fields and forests and villages to Holland and wishing I never had to leave. I saw the map of Europe and the places I'd seen and discovered. I saw how much bigger the world became to me over the past 27 months. 

And now here I am, with an empty flat, suitcases on the ground and sticky notes everywhere reminding me of a day I will love and hate. 23 days from now. It's becoming clearer and more real with each morning that comes. I sit at the lunch table and get sentimental. I work on English homework with the kids and reminisce. I'm cherishing every moment that comes my way with the children and not letting myself think too hard about my emotions. I see a transformation with Gereon and Jojo from two German kids who were sweet, loving and eager to learn my language, into two mini grown ups who see me more as a sister than anything else. And I couldn't desire anything more. I was able to influence so much of their lives and they, in turn, influenced mine. They learned from me and I from them. You know, most Au Pairs don't reference their host families later after they leave. They speak of them kindly, but more as a past experience, a section of their life. As for me, I can't even bring myself to say 'my host family' but instead confuse everyone by referring to them simply as 'my family' because it's the truth. Through some of the best and worst times of my life, they were there. We've seen the worst and best of each other and there have been many moments of annoyance, embarrassment and disappointment. And that's exactly why I can call them family. I think of my family in Alaska and how madly I love them and also how much they make me want to poke my eyes out. That's how it works, isn't it? The blessing it has been to learn how to be live with and be incorporated into a German family is so much more than I imagined. It was not always easy for us to live with each other and work through the cultural differences, but it was a beautiful result. I adapted and I learned and I think they did too. I love them all ever so dearly for all that they have taught me and all the love they've given me and mostly for the amazing and passionate people that they are!!!

So I'm ready now. I'm ready to pack my bags, however sad it is, and fly to my family in Alaska. I'm ready for a new page. My pockets are full but I feel lighter than ever! 

Hands held high

No other way to give them up except to throw them in the air. All my cares. I'm feeling like I first did when I arrived in Germany. Those beginning months where you're scared and sad and feel crazy emotional and not entirely like yourself. Turns out that the last three months and the first three months really aren't all that different. Instead of crying or screaming or pouting (all of which I've tried and it didn't help) I sat down and wrote like a fanatic. Here are some small portions of what spilled out.


Joy.
His paint is brushing across her skin
Coloring each crevice and curve of her body with elegance and ease
Slivers of light gleam daintily through the panes of her eyes
And she cries, she cries.
He is bright, he brings light to her form
Shadowing in the corners of her soul
Erasing errors with a gentle stroke
Swirls of color rush across her 
And she cries, she cries.
Alive inside the wild streaks of blues and golds
Her tears fall freely and fully 
Colored drops fall from her skin to his 
Coating him in his art, his love
And he cries, he cries.



Maybe I'm teetering on the edge of your grace
I tighten my face
You can lower my place, just don't take grace
The splendor of the heavens could be dim lit for me
I don't need to see
All that I plea is don't take grace
Hell's fire could tickle the soles of my feet
I don't mind the heat
As long as I leap up into your grace
But I don't understand, I don't understand
Do we all fit in your hand?
Tell me you can, tell me your plan
Please be bigger than I am.

Observations
I have a wild heart and I don't always do things the way others think I should. Sometimes I'm a fool, sometimes I'm stubborn, sometimes I care way too much of how others think of me. And sometimes I don't know the reason why I get up every morning and live. I don't know what keeps me breathing. Suppose it was hope. If I didn't hope for the next breath I would not take it. Each breath is a tiny fulfilled hope. I have to believe just to breathe. But hopes are not just tiny. There are bigger ones like hoping for a pleasant day or hoping for the strength to conquer a struggle or hoping for the mastering of a skill and those hopes keep us breathing in and out. So if I can have small hope and big hope, what about eternal hope? Because we all know that at any time our next breath won't come. At one point all of us will have that hope fail us. But there must be an eternal hope, one that all the other hopes were built upon, were formed out of. I hold this eternal hope that strengthens all the smaller hopes within the expansion of my lungs. A hope that there is more than this life. The hope that all the constrictions in my heart and strains on my soul will be lifted. Hope for that emptiness in my eyes to be filled and the questions in my mind to be at rest. With every breath I'm hoping for Love to come for me and smooth my every crease that I may finally have life.

Clings to the tree, bound but free; green
Loosens hold, doesn't want to be told; gold
Twirls to the ground, flutters down; brown
We are all leaves.

Expressions

Senses

I see a dying world; in need. 
I see a search for comfort; in religion.
There is a craving to know it all; in vain.
There is a perception of weakness; in reliance. 
I hear wails and cries of the lonely; they seek.
I hear haughty scoffs and higher thoughts; they devour.
There is a ruler within; him or me.
There is a truth; bound or free.
I taste a war; bleeding hearts.
I taste an evil; fiery darts.
There is a way; victory.
There is a fall; sinfully.
I smell a fear; it grips on tight.
I smell a love; it brings on light.
There is a sorrow; alive in sleep.
There is an ache; pressing deep.
I touch a shaking shoulder; surrender.
I touch a tear-stained cheek; grace.
There is a reason; faithfully.
There is a cure; entirely. 
Listen.




July 2nd, 2013
She pressed her cheek against his chest
And let him lay her down to rest
The sweetness of her sleeping form
Curled up inside his loving arms
This girl has beauty time can't age
He opened the act upon her stage
Of life, she has life
He has taken her strife
She is pure, she is free
Longing tugs inside me
Prick and prod and bleed me out
A reddened drop for every doubt
Of hope
I have none in my veins
Too late
Time and sin stole him away.

June 23rd, 2013
Bending whispers through the trees, you stir a restlessness in me. A look around cannot recall a world without you standing tall. You throw down glimpses of your love, there is no need to look above. You are everything I see, I am at peace; you are in me.

July 2nd, 2013

Years will not change the heart in me that pulses with emotion and fills me to the brim and pushes out of me all the joys and tears and delicate things that remain trapped in the hard hearts of those ashamed to spill torrents of passion and let the tears join in the waterfall of life pouring from their souls as they feel feel feel and never dry out, except they have this fear clogging their throat, their eyes and their heart and release is ever distancing as they dry up in their dusty shells of bodies and this is why I can't be unthankful for any abundance of any flood of feeling, for in that flow I am free and alive and my heart beats bigger with every drop of emotion I spill to the world and for you.

July 8th, 2013
Let your blood heal my soul
Clean my heart, fill the hole
Cover me Jesus with your wings
Every effort on you I fling
Sin is dead, you live in me
My All in All, great Mystery.

Loser loser pumpkin eater!

Sometimes Johanna cheats in games and that really makes me crazy. So I call her a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. And she really loves that so much that she cheats much more frequently! She has also incorporated it into many of her day to day conversations except in strange ways, like loser loser pumpkin eater and loser eater pumpkin cheater. I try not to laugh, but it is actually really funny. Today we were hanging out in the garden and I taught her how to do a handstand and a cartwheel. It was sweet. She listened so well to all the instructions I gave her on her form and within 30 minutes had mastered both skills! And Gereon learned the word skill today in his vocabulary. He is also able to ask me for a napkin now instead of a serviette! After only 18 months of me drilling the word into his brain! But really, I'm so proud. I've been teaching Jojo some silly phrases and some of our current favorites are "are you ready to rumble?" and "That's how that cookie crumbles." Her saying those in her accent are quite indescribably hilarious. We also say wicked now instead of cool. Today we were trying to move a spider from the terrace to the grass but he didn't want to go and after a few minutes Jojo crushed him with a stick. I told her that he was now in spider heaven. That got us on the subject of animals in heaven and I was raving excitedly about how wonderful it will be to snuggle up with lions and not have them eat you. She got so excited during our conversation that after a moment of silent she stares into the distance and says, "I want to die now." Soooo I guess I should be a bit less excited about heaven! ;) She was learning how to ride her unicycle today and my arms are red and worn from her death gripping them. When cars would pass we stopped and made cool poses on the side of the road together. It made me miss Kristen. While we walked up the drive way she says to me, "Karly you can take this Einrad now" and tried to hand me the unicycle. I replied, "No you are a big girl. And you have big hands that can carry that big unicycle over to that big porch." We walk in silence for a moment and then she says, "That is much of big." Ah man, I love her. And now I have to relate all the other ridiculous words that came to pass this week:

While I'm chasing Jojo in order to tickle her:
"You can run but you can't hide." - Me
"You can poop and fart." - Jojo

As I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher:
"Nasty, I just got tea on my socks!" 
"You are so ew." - Gereon

The kids and I built a swing where the hammock used to be. We were having a jumping competition and as Jojo began her turn, Gereon grabbed the ropes and yelled hysterically to me, "Karly, we must anschubsen her!" 

"I'm too good for my world." - Gereon

I'm officially signed up for the B2 German Language Test next month!!! I'm ridiculously nervous. And there's no going back or else I pay 200 euros. God help me! 

We're all the same; we need your love.

The kids have been slaying me with their ridiculous sentences the past few weeks. I literally start laughing so hard I can't breathe and then I run and grab a sticky note so I won't forget it! Here is my collection from the past weeks:

A conversation with Gereon about Call of Duty, while I interjected with the English words the entire time he spoke: "There was an Ecke and I stood in it and a man was in the middle and then I drücken all the Knopfen and messered him!" (corner, pushed, buttons, knifed)

"Karly, how much do you wieg?" - Jojo (weigh)

When I began to beat Jojo in chess:
"What now, brown cow!"  - Me 
"I'm not brown." - Jojo "
But you're a cow?" - Me

Discussing her sugar addictions.
"Not good things gleich yummy!" - Jojo (equals)

"One time we retten ein Eichhörnchen." - Jojo (saved a squirrel) 

"I don't can beschreiben that!" - Jojo (describe)

"I must vertraue you now." - Jojo (trust)

"Look at all the Schmetterlinge! There's one, and there's two. They are all over." - Gereon

And with their German accents, it's really just so indescribably darling.

I read the book of Hosea last week and it's the first time I've read continuously through it in one sitting. It's so saddening to read. The sorrow of the Lord at the rejection from his beloved people is so emotional. He calls them to Him and longs that they long to know Him. In chapter 6 verse 3 it says, "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord." And in chapter 7 verse 14 it says, "They do not cry to me from the heart, but they wail upon their beds." I found that so intense, because as fallen people, we desperately need God and crave His love, but we so often don't choose it. We sit in our sorrow and pain and don't turn our hearts to Him. He wants a relationship with us and we're always choosing everything else that lies before our eyes, these things that never satisfy. They never ever satisfy. And Jesus satisfies and He loves you and calls to you in your pain to run to Him and trust Him. What a fallen people we are to reject Him. Sweet, sweet grace, how thankful I am for you! My heart cannot choose Him on my own; He is my Helper and Redeemer. And He will never stop the work He started in me!!! Philippians 1:6 - "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 
And now to speak of evil... I think people define evil sometimes very broadly or only in headline news stories or only when they've personally been deeply hurt by evil. But evil is more than that isn't it? It's sometimes little and sometimes fun and pretty easy and sometimes it seems very good. And sometimes it seems non-existent, because let's face it: the world is quite often really quite a blast and it's easy to be very happy in it. It's definitely black and white, but we tend to let the white be how we see the world instead of the black. For me personally, I don't always register the hugeness and deepness and broadness of evil and how it can devour anything in it's path. I was reading an article about this man who'd been doing illegal abortions and as I read through the stories I burst into tears and felt the power of evil in this world. I was sickened by evil, I felt deep sorrow for evil and I didn't understand how God could love that man through it all. And then I remembered a very very sad thing that humbled me profoundly. The same evil that pumps through his veins pumps through mine. I have the same capabilities to produce evil as he does. We have wicked hearts that need a cure. I sat there crying out to God and asking why this happened and if justice would come to the poor babies who were killed within seconds of finding life and breath outside of the womb. And in my frustration, I remembered a few verses in Psalm 37: "He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" And I trust that the Lord will bring justice to every evil thing that has happened here and will happen and is happening right now. Evil that I've done and evil that everyone else does. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But he is faithful and just and He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And slowly, my crying turned into a sober understanding of what is to come and how exquisitely precious it will be to see justice brought to evil and tears turned to laughter, sorrow turned to joy, the dead souls brought to life in Christ Jesus. Praise the Lord for this!!!

I never thought I'd be someone to speak of the weather, but SPRING IS HERE!!! And how glorious it feels to breathe in the fresh, warm, sweetly scented air! I biked through it this morning to get bread for Gereon and I (we're alone today!) and I couldn't stop smiling, even up the hills! The birds are chirping everywhere, the flowers are blooming, the grass is continuously greener and I'm wearing tank tops again. It's a good thing. Yesterday I biked to Holland and the blue skies poured sunshine down on my back! I enjoyed being sweaty, simply because it was so new to feel so warm outside again. I don't know if it's just the weather, or what, but I have had a heart overflowing with thankfulness and joy. And usually it's always a battle to not get sucked into the whirlpool of dissatisfaction and irritation, etc etc. But lately I've had this joy I can't get rid of! And oddly enough, I'm really thankful that the Lord is blessing me with a thankful heart! It's beautiful, how when you truly and completely open yourself up to let Him in, He comes immediately and works strongly inside of you. And naturally, what's inside begins to pour out of you and surround your life. It's amazing to be in His embrace.

Just another bend in this road.

As a prelude to this post, I met with a pastor last weekend to discuss Bible schools and future mission work. It was my first real step forward after the past 8 or 9 months of speaking with a contact from ECM about my possible interest in missionary work here in Europe. Friday morning I walked to the train station in Wegberg to begin my journey to Rostock, a city in East Germany right at the tippity top by the Baltic Sea. I sat on the train for almost 8 hours, watching the fields and cottages pass me by while I wrote poems and listened to music. It was relatively lovely, although I sat for far too long. I was warmly welcomed by the Libuda family at the Rostock Hbf and enjoyed a relaxed evening having some dinner and meeting everyone. I said my first 'out loud' prayer in German before we ate. :) Saturday afternoon I went ice skating with some of the young people at the church and then we went to the Easter Market in town and drank Glühwein, ate candied almonds and went on a ride that was so scary I was screaming with fear and the guy actually stopped the ride and asked me, "Möchten Sie aussteigen?" while everyone stared at me...low point of the day for Karly! I stayed on, but I'm not sure how. In the evening I spent time with Klaus discussing what needed discussing. :) Easter Sunday was unlike any Easter I've ever celebrated. Before I came on this trip I was hesitant, because I was inclined to spend Easter at my home church in Dusseldorf. But after praying about it, I felt led to come to Rostock and was excited to see what the Lord had in store for me. Sunday morning, I walked with Katarina (the girl I stayed with) through some snowy paths to the Rostock community center which is where the church meets. The building was bright orange and pretty small. We set up chairs and tables and set the dishes out all pretty and festive. We prepared a Sunday brunch all together as a church and then enjoyed a time of fellowship while we ate! I loved it! And Klaus said a few words about the Resurrection, read from the Bible, and then I gave my first ever German speech. When he asked me if I'd come forward and talk about what I was doing in Rostock, and what I had in mind for the future, etc I felt like I should be nervous, but God was so encouraging to me and I wasn't afraid! I got up and just relaxed so the words would come out... and they did! It was a small thing, but a big step for me. We all went as a group to Warnemünde, which is the beach area by the Baltic Sea. It was breathtaking and reminded me of Juist. Looking across the water, Klaus told me that Denmark was just across and that I could take a ferry over for 10 euros. I'm definitely coming back. :) I was asked if I wanted to go ice swimming in the Sea and I was kinda hesitant because my bones already were freezing! The day was really cold and windy. But then I thought how deeply I would regret missing an opportunity to jump into the Baltic Sea in winter time. I mean, come on. I would definitely regret not doing that. So I borrowed a tee shirt and shorts from Katarina and stripped down right there on the beach like a true East German! Okay, not true. I wore my coat as long as possible so I was covered until the last second. And then they all just started running towards the water, so I ran after them screaming and the point where I touched that icy water is the point where I can't even describe how it felt. It was the most enthralling experience and I got such an adrenaline rush! Once it got deeper and the waves started coming towards my head, I began to swim and then dove under and let my head be completely immersed. I could barely breath because my chest was aching from the cold and I kept yelling and then suddenly I was toasty warm and began to swim back to the shore! I felt like I had goosebumps on my bones and I jumped up and down on the beach while I tried to get dressed but my body was so stiff that I could hardly take my clothes off, I barely got my shirt on, and I had to have my friend Nadin zip up my jeans. It was a bonding moment for us. :) Then I ate some Easter chocolate and went back to Katarina's. Later that evening, we had a game night and played our own version of pictionary, boys against girls. We chose the most impossible things to draw and it was a vicious game! We ate pancakes, drank wine, ate chocolate and I won a long game of gummy bear poker. It was a lovely evening of laughter! On Monday I said farewell to the wonderful group of people I'd met and started the long trek home. There was a delay on one of my trains and then I missed my other connections, so I went to the info office and got a free taxi ride back home! The guy was funny and we listened to The Rolling Stones on top volume as we drove to Wegberg. He was dancing along and singing and it was so silly and great! And now I'm home and all my things are clean again and I feel good. :) And now to the most important part....

I've been in contact with a man named Frank from ECM, which is a ministry agency. Here is the website: http://www.ecmi-usa.org/index.php
To be honest, I had no idea if I was serious about working for them when I first began researching mission opportunities here. As I spoke with Frank about a possible interest, he gave me so much information and we began taking in detail about the possibilities I had before me. We spent the last 9 months or so skyping and emailing about ideas. I kept mulling it over in my head and never quite knew what I felt. It was scary imagining having a commitment for a certain amount of years and I felt insecure in deciding anything formally. We continued speaking, and he interviewed me and wrote out an assessment which he then sent to Klaus in Rostock. So last weekend, I came to meet Klaus knowing only that I was going to ask for advice on Bible schools and the possibility of mission work through ECM. When I arrived, it because quickly clear that God had been working a lot more behind the scenes than I was aware of. Klaus found me a Bible school in a district outside of Berlin which I would attend for a year. It's in German and he said I had enough knowledge of the language to understand and learn from the program. He showed me the charts and percentages that showed the amount of people who believed in "god" in East Germany, and it's extremely low. Also, the children's poverty is very low in that area. Through ECM, they would put me into East Germany, perhaps in Berlin or somewhere near there and I would work with church planting ministries and focus on children's ministry, which is desperately needed. So as we sat there looking through charts, discussing the mission work and what the work looked like and as I listened to his stories, it became so clear to me and I felt a bit shaky with the realization that I want to work in East Germany as a missionary. And then I began to wonder while we sat there talking if the Lord had this in my plan all along, and coming here in 2011 was the beginning of his preparation for me as my heart fell in love with Germany, and as I matured in myself and my faith from stepping out on my own. And that was my first little step, and now this is my second, and who knows what my third will be. And then it was like a slideshow in my brain and I could see it all when I first came to Germany and who I was and what I thought I came here for and how God led me through this journey and worked in my heart and desires to lead me to this point. I'm really scared. And I'm at peace about it. So here is what we worked out tentatively... I start by telling people that I want to be a missionary in East Germany, get the word out, and begin making preparations for raising funds. This summer I'll take my German language test, then I'll come home for Christmas this year and stay until October saving up money for the Bible school and raising funds for the ministry after school. In October 2014 I'll attend the Bible school for a year and then most likely step straight into wherever they send me. I'll have more details in the portfolio I'll be making with all the information. It will include where I'm going, what I'm doing there, statistics on faith and poverty, etc etc. What I can say now, is please pray for me as I prepare myself for this next step and please consider whether you'd be willing to support me financially in the future. Thank you!

And to end, here's a new idea I tried out. I wanted to have this poem feel continuous and slightly overwhelming so I wrote it all without any punctuation. I'm happy with how it turned out!


Without End
My back finds the bed and my eyes find the ceiling and my mind finds your face and my tears find my hair as they slide under my neck and choke me from within while they lace around my throat like a simple string of pearls and now a strange sort of heat has been building in my bones and it wraps around my thighs and creeps around my waist and entwines around my fingers and what is happening what is happening because I'm feeling something or maybe everything and it's sometimes fear and sometimes sadness but sometimes anger and sometimes love and love is pursing my lips together and they won't press any tighter so my softly slipping tears have turned to torrents and they drown me oh they drown me but all I did was think of you as I laid down on this bed but it brought me to my knees and pulled me to my face and stripped me of my life and brought me to the end.

Write it out!

This weekend is new and scary and exciting. And I will explain more next week! I've always loved to write. But especially in the past 19 months, I've developed a deep love for writing about all sorts of different concepts. I finally understand what Anna said when she told me she pretends to write from other people's perspectives. Because my own life just isn't enough I guess! Anyways, my train ride to Rostock inspired some writing to take place. I'm contemplating putting together a compilation of my stories and making a book! The first three are from today and the others are from the past few months. And there are yet older ones on facebook. 

Weakling

Little skeleton branch, why do you perch on that solid trunk? Does your pride keep you clinging or is it that voice in the wind stirring you to strain for strength? You are not strong, you know. It seems that one stormy night would break you off and snap you into miniscule, insignificant fragments. I want to tell you that you're a fool and that you aim too high. But somehow there is beauty in your frailty. The trunk holds you firm and you've placed yourself in it's sturdy foundation. And in that beautiful frailty I see a sort of strength. And I long for it. I look much better than you and much stronger and I seem secure through every storm, but I am dying and you are living. The storms wear me down and weaken me. But you? They only seem to strengthen your little skeleton self. I want to have strength, but only for myself and from myself. The view of you on that trunk is distant to me now as I carve my own way through the wind and sleet. I can't give up my precious mirage of strength that clothes me so securely. You are naked and ugly and you are weak and frail. But you are living and I am dying. What you found I cannot find a way to want. The only thing I do want is to want it. You've found rest and a peculiar beauty and a tender strength. And I will continue growing in my own strength, stronger and stronger until I die. And I am dying and you are living.

To Stop, To Turn, To Look

Oh, to have eyes in the back of my head. I'd continue looking at you while moving forward. To keep my gaze on light and beauty deters me from the thorny trail that leads to you. For all the could bes and what ifs and might have beens instead there lies only my muddy footprints as a constant display of my unattainable, ever distancing desire. You are a thorn in my flesh, you are clinging to my skin, and you are inside of me. No matter that I passed you by and kept treading forward. No matter, because you linger on my body. Ever present, ever painful, ever constant to remind the flesh of what the heart is without. Though my skin is covered with your presence, my heart remains empty. I miss you and I never had you. I want you and I never got you. I love you and I never stop.

Lose it

I wish I could lose his love. Accidentally drop it in the ditch or leave it behind in a restaurant. But love, like honey, is sticky and sweet. My soul clings to him, my heart is swept away with him, and I wish I could lose love. He's drawing my head to his chest and this pulls me into an eternalized moment, held captive by time only through the constant beat of his heart against my cheek. And suddenly I am the one that's lost.

Ghost

When his arms surround me, time is made to rest. Intertwining fingers, love, you love the best. Pouring from my eyes, my heart, are words without a voice. I tilt my head to look at you, my love, my reason to rejoice.

  

What a big world that I am trapped in. I walk the streets, see the pretty lights, hear the music from the clubs, and my bones go cold for lack of you. What a strange, tender love that I have fallen into. I step into a bar, dance the night away, and let a smile lift my cheeks to hold up the tears seeking escape. This world is big without you in it. My body is foreign without you beside it. If I could climb out of the earth that surrounds me like a pit, then I could crawl into your arms and rest in your timeless embrace. But this big world has trapped me and as it it swallows, it rips me further and further away from any shred of hope that your face would be before my eyes once again. I let the night be cold on my skin as I slip away into the dark streets. I sit down and pour out my heart on the pavement until I am empty of me and empty of you. And there on the stones, we are together. 

Finger-painting with your blood

I draw the story of our love

Smear you all across the page

Wipe my hands upon my face

My fiery words devoured your flesh

Crept to your heart and turned to ash

I watched your eyes slide into death

They looked towards me with innocence

Your soul is soaked in sweet, sweet mercy

My hands are wet, they're cold and bloody

I drug the dagger through my chest

To rip away the emptiness

My eyes are turning to the sky

Your ashes lightly drifting by

A fire seeps into my skin

Hot shame that burns me deep within

My hands they clawed into my chest

And ripped away the selfishness

It's residue clings to my fingers

My sin, my sin forever lingers

For What Was

Sadness comes over me and seeps inside of me. I grab hold tightly of Anger and swallow him quickly as he burns down my throat. All too soon, Pain is within me and he blends into Anger and Sadness. Crippling Fear manages to stir its way into the concoction whirring inside my gut. And then Vulnerability slips into my mouth and creeps down my throat. She weaves her way into the churning tumbles of my insides and sends herself into my veins so that I'm enveloped, devoured by her. She overwhelms me and even Fear isn't strong enough inside me to open his eyes and fight. Fear, Pain and Anger cower inside my belly while Vulnerability defeats my being, mocking me for what was.

Spetember 10th, 2012

And just when I was done with it all, I came back and crawled over to your lap and you took me gently. But when all the rules have been broken, I won't need you anymore to tell me what to do or how to say what I'd like to say, except that all the good things in this world come at the most terrible cost.

A Stones Throw Away

I put my cozy, wool socks from Italy on, painted my nails black and straightened my hair and now I've snuggled myself into this desk chair to write about anything and everything. I have the entire afternoon free this Saturday and I'm going stir crazy. I've been sick all week and being calm was so annoying. Now other than a stuffy nose, my old self is back and I feel like jumping out into an ice cold ocean or running through a jungle or something crazy that doesn't involve being at home drinking tea.  Not that I don't love drinking tea while reading a good book...but I'm bubbling over with the want of something bright and fun. I want to go out dancing or take a run along the Rhine or even jump into the Rhine! And somehow this evening finds me completely alone in my room. At this desk. So I will write. I have to continuously learn that life brings you what you usually don't expect and quite often what you don't particularly want. I have a day that I don't actually want and I'm trying to solve that problem. My hair feels soft and smooth and my nails make me think of Boogie and my feet are warm and snuggly, but it's just not cutting it. What can cut it though? Will these words slice right through my dissatisfaction? I don't think they will. Instead I will let my thoughts wander onto this screen and let the minutes slip away as I drift into the world of words. Sometimes it's hard to delve deep into my purest, untouched thoughts. The ones no one invaded and wrapped their opinion around. The pure thoughts surprise me. They are light from the lack of weight of pre-concieved ideas. Because then I am one layer. No opinions wrap me up. I fear entering that place where all is accepted but never penetrates the heart or sparks the tingling inside your body. Emotion is scary. It's embarrassing and it's dramatic. It can be laughed at or scoffed at and it can be confusing to some and clear to others. Emotion is something greatly feared but greatly desired. I cannot deny emotion in my life, and not only because I am young and growing and learning. But because it's untouchable in it's purity. It sits on the floor of our hearts and explores it's way through our soul. It pours out through our eyes, comes out from our voices, and exudes from our bodies. Emotion brings both deep pain and bright joy. And if you haven't noticed yet, I'm quite at ease with being emotional!!! 

My mind is turning now to some exciting facts from the past week. I'd been pondering what I'd do for Christmas this year. December is when I'm done being an Au Pair and my initial thought was to start directly with Bible School here in Europe. But then I wanted to see my family over Christmas and then I spoke with my engaged sister who might be getting married in April or May 2014. And then I figured that'd be quite dumb to be flying back and forth from Alaska to Germany and also impossible to afford. And also it's not nice if I fly down just for the wedding and I wouldn't really feel like a part of it. Sooooo I'm contemplating coming home for Christmas (Joe said they'd pay for me!!!!!) and then staying until the wedding so I can be 100% involved in the wedding, spend quality time with my family and save up money for school. Then I'd go back to Germany in the summer or fall to start school. I'm not sold on this plan yet, but it's been lurking in my mind and I'd love prayer about it!!! Being home would be a blessing for me but also hard. But then knowing that I'd be returning to Germany at a specific time would be nice so I wouldn't get too sad. Another prayer request is for my German test. I'm taking it in June and I really want to pass!!! It's really challenging in school and I'm feeling confident but also knowing anything could go wrong so please keep me in your prayers over these next few months! 

Well, this was one of my odder blogs. It's time for some music, some cooking and some wine! Tata for now!

This one's for my family

"Heimweh" literally means "home ache" and that is what I've struggled with the past few weeks. I'm not sure why since Katie is coming in a few months and then Boogie. But I miss them all so terribly and feel so ripped from their lives right now. I just don't like it and here is what I have to say about it in an attempt to lift my spirits.

Mom, I miss your uplifting smile and encouraging words. I miss how open you are about all your children's crazy ideas and how you keep supporting us through mistakes. I miss jumping on your bed late at night and being giggly and talkative while you tried to sleep. I miss how you were torn between being angry and being flattered. I miss coming to you or calling you the second I needed a question answered or a doubt confirmed and getting sound advice that I trusted. Oddly enough, I miss hearing you say ridiculous sentences to the cats with your flowery words.

Anna, I miss SO MUCH waking up to piano. I would hear it from the garage and just lay there relaxed and happy. I miss singing with you and learning the new songs you'd composed. I miss watching movies in your ice cold bed and the pride I felt when I didn't have to move once during the movie. I miss irritating you. I miss how you get really excited about something and then laugh all exuberantly while your hand does this spastic movement in front of you. I miss watching you dance.

Shannon, I miss coming to you for boy trouble and knowing you were so happy to give me advice. I miss you helping me get dressed for hip hop class. I miss your jokes and light humor in not so light situations. I miss eating around you and making you hungry. I miss how easy it was to hang out with you and have fun. I miss singing while you played guitar. I miss how deeply we understood each other in our hurts and how simple it was for us to create music through that together. 

Katie, I miss how well you know me. You can look at me less than a moment and know what's going on instantly. I don't have to try to explain anything to you. I do anyways, but only because I like to talk. I miss you laughing at my stupid, stupid jokes and I miss dancing with you. I miss having you around to talk to and share my heart with. I miss praying with you and hearing what's on your heart. I miss coming home from my day and sharing it with you. I miss you in every moment because you're not next to me in it.

Kevin, I miss your goofy laugh and jokes that get funnier as you get older. I miss how gentle you've always been with us, even though you like to jump on people and hit them. I miss that day when you weren't gentle and we wrestled and I won and mom yelled at us like we were tiny children being scolded. I miss watching your soccer games, your football games and even your baseball games! Because I miss being so proud to cheer for my brother in the stands. I miss watching you grow up and discover where you want to go in life and I wish I was there for that. I miss you.

Maranatha, I miss your sweet soul that is always full of smiles and love and beauty. I miss how loving you are and how true you are. I miss being able to tell you anything and knowing you would love me and even understand me. I miss watching you grow as a woman as you had Sienna and became the wonderful mom that you are. I miss giving you hugs. And I'm so thankful you're my sister. I miss you.

Boogie, I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs and how well you listen. I miss also how well you talk. I miss getting angry at you because you kept me up laughing when I was trying to fall asleep. I miss walking around with you and just having fun spending our day together. I miss fluffing your hair. I miss going to events or parties and knowing it wouldn't get awkward because I could always stand next to you and I'd be okay. I miss finding sticky notes in my dresser at 5 in the morning that helped me start the day when I felt dead. I miss laughing harmoniously with you.

Dad, I miss snowboarding and skiing with you. I miss going out in the woods and learning how to be tough. I miss having you there to make a fire in the middle of the forest so we could steam out our clothes. I miss going off with Shannon and peeling the bark off trees even though you told us to get leaves and sticks instead. I miss learning how to shoot a gun with you and hiking Matanuska Peak with you and Shannon. I miss learning about nature while we were outside. I miss having someone to ask confusing questions to. And I miss you saying strange things that can only invoke laughter. 

Grandma, I miss your hugs. I miss eating your soup and having breakfast of fresh grapefruit with sugar. I miss you pretending to be mad when we ate all the cookies out of the freezer. I miss going shopping with you. I miss talking about old family memories and hearing of your experiences. I miss all those days spent at your house playing and exploring. I miss you so much and I want to spend my days as a Grandma just like you because I have endless memories with you that are irreplaceable. Thank you. :)

Lord Jesus, thank you for my family. Thank you for helping my eyes to look forward when I want to keep them in the past. Thank you for the memories that remind me of how blessed I am and how rich I am, because I am filled to the brim with love! Thank you so much for teaching me through every circumstance and emotion. Please keep working within me and deepening the roots of my faith in you and your infinite love. Thank you for the promise of redemption and life with you. Thank you, Father!!!

The Button Box

I recalled a beloved memory the other day about the afternoons spent at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Anchorage and/or California. There was that dollhouse with all the old dolls  and frilly dresses. There were the books filled with paper dolls. That's how I learned to cut in straight lines! I remember sitting with Grandma while we cut out the clothes and asking her how she could cut so perfectly. She looked at me and said, "Karly, when you're as old as me you'll have just as much practice and be just as perfect." I still remember that when I use scissors. :) I also think of Shannon and how she tattled on my for holding the scissors the wrong way. Then there were all the dress up clothes that we could never get enough of! Silk and lace and everything that makes your eyes brighten as a little girl! Actually, at any age. Then we have the pooping duck that gives you jelly beans from the behind! I'm carrying on that tradition with Jojo and Gereon. If I look to my right from where I'm sitting, there's a crochet duck that Grandma sent me filled with jelly beans for the kids. But the memory that makes me the happiest today is the button box. It seems silly, but that box brought hours of fun! Sorting through and finding matches, finding our top 3 favorite buttons, organizing by color, the games were endless. And it brings me back to the fascination that children have and how vital that is for life to thrive. So, go find your button box and thrive away!!!

Let's see... dancing, singing, playing with hair, acting, drawing, commercials, building tree houses, and drinking hot chocolate. Girls sure know how to have fun!!! Jojo invited 3 friends over the other week and they began their afternoon outside building and creating a home in the trees. When they came inside, I made then hot chocolate with whipped cream and then we played a team competition where I chose activities for them to complete and then chose a winning team. This was a BIG hit! We were busy the entire afternoon with all sorts of tasks. They were unbelievably darling. Hearing two little German girls singing Karneval songs just about sent me over the edge. :) Ahh, priceless moments these are!!!

Jojo and I have been speaking so ridiculously to each other lately. We were playing a game the other day called "Das Verrückte Labyrinth" which means the crazy labyrinth. I asked her, "But why is it a verrückte labyrinth?" And she replied, "Because there's a Fee and a Schlange!" (A fairy and a dragon) I burst out laughing and told her we really needed to stop mixing our sentences with random German or English words. But at the same time, it makes me laugh so much!!! It just isn't the best method for teaching her proper English. At the breakfast table one morning she started singing along with the radio and knew every single word! And here is what she was singing: "When I'm drunk in the morning, I'm calling you, you might be lonely, lonely!" Yes, that is exactly what I wanted her to learn in English. Thank you, German radio so very much.

I was writing an email to my dad and it made me think of my last day in Alaska before I left to come back to Germany. After I figured out I'd missed my flight, Dad paid for Katie and I to stay at a hotel together so I could catch my other flight in the morning without having to drive back into town. It was such a relief from all the stress and emotions that I had from leaving and we had such a blessed evening together. After we settled into our room, we walked over to a steakhouse and had seafood with dad. It was so delicious and our conversation was really enjoyable and as I sat there with thoughts running through my head about leaving and all the emotions behind it, I felt a strong contentment of where I was and who I was with. It was the last sort of evening I would have chosen for my ending in Alaska, but it was far better than I could have ever pictured. I am so thankful for it, and it's one of those odd memories that from the outside seem to have no bright spot of significance, yet on the inside they are infinitely precious. And somehow, those unexpected moments are the very best ones.

After a fun evening at an Irish pub with a friend of mine and church in the morning, I walked over an hour through Düsseldorf along the Rhine to visit Julia and Stephen, who I stayed with for two weeks back when I first came here and had no job. As I got closer to the church where they live (next to it) I looked to my left at the river and was suddenly right back in the shoes of a scared girl in a foreign world, not sure where the next day would take her. I saw the bench that overlooks the river where I would sit for hours, praying and thinking, crying and wondering. And then I walked up to the front door of the two people who took care of me when I needed help the most. I was warmly welcomed and came into the living room to have tea and biscuits while we caught up after over a year of not seeing each other. It was charming and British, exactly how I remember. :) There was a bowl of cream to put on the bisquits with jams and some small cookies. They even brought out a special loose leave tea from Sri Lanka that they save for special guests! So we sat there and sipped our tea and enjoyed enriching conversation. It was a blessed afternoon! And today, I'm looking out upon a beautiful, sunshiny day and I can smell the spring air just begging me to go bike through it! The birds are chirping, the snow is gone and I LOVE SPRING!!! 

Oh, and I'm considering studying Anthropology in the Netherlands!!!

Hopefully, hopefully hopefully!

"Thou art my life - I the brook, thou the spring. Because thine eyes are open, I can see; Because thou art thyself, 'tis therefore I am me."
-George MacDonald (Diary of an Old Soul)


I've always been a very confident person. I generally don't crumble down what I think to suit the fancy of others, but instead take pride in what I think and fight to make my points known. If anything, I have to take a step back and be more open to what others have to say. I know who I am and I know what I want. Usually. It's funny (and by funny I mean that it's actually not that funny) because the past 20 months or so, all of that stubbornness, confidence, and assurance dwindled and filtered out of me until I wasn't even sure what I thought about anything in the world, let alone myself. It was a smack in the face that I'd been living through my jaded eyes alone. I'll be honest, I love having confidence and I love knowing what I want! But the Lord has humbled my heart to recognize my daily task of opening my eyes to hear what he has to say and to what others around me have to say with an open mind.

I'm planning a weekend trip over Easter to a town in the north of Germany called "Rostock." I'll be staying with a family that I've never met, but have contact with through the ministry program leader that I've been talking to for the past 7 months or so. They'll be able to meet me and advice which Bible school I should attend as well as discussing the ministry options available in Germany that would suit my personality and strengths. I'm really excited to meet them and see how the Lord unfolds his plans. My tentative ideas at this point are to finish my year as an Au Pair, which will end December 2013. During that time, I will hopefully pass my German exam in May 2013 and have the ability to study here and to have a job. Once January 2014 hits, I'll hopefully begin Bible college immediately and study there until either the summer or another extra semester, totaling about a year. This will prep me to work in any sort of outreach or ministry here in Germany, where speaking the language would be very important, especially in Biblical terms. That said, studying the Bible in German would definitely be a challenge for me if I chose a German course! But isn't it crazy how the Lord leads every little step of our lives? At this point last year, I was struggling about whether I wanted to extend my stay as an Au Pair or go back home to Alaska. I had no idea what I wanted, and now I look back and see how much the Lord has done during that time and my mouth drops open. I never expected any of the things that have happened here. Any of them! Yes, there are still a lot of hopefullys in the next few years! Thankfully, that's where faith comes in, and it will not disappoint. I know that the best place to be is in His will, and that's where I am and where I will stay, through struggles and pains. And I'll come straight out and say that sometimes I really don't want to be in His will. All I want is to be out of it. But those are the moments that define your faith, whether it's a reality or a fanciful notion to make you feel good. There's something about Germany that touches my heart so deeply and unexplainably. The magic of newness never dies. My biggest hopefully is that the Lord will be to stay here for a good while yet.

Thanks to Robert, I'm embarking into the pages of a marvelous book! Here's a section in the beginning that I particularly loved.
"My hope is that we will all continue to struggle. We must never assume that we have arrived. Yet there is no virtue in sheer skepticism. We look with a jaundiced eye at those who are always learning but never coming to a knowledge of the truth. God is delighted with men and women of conviction. Of course, he is concerned that our convictions be according to truth."

1 Peter 5:7

Karneval! Dancing and singing all over the streets, in all the restaurants, clubs and bars, and not a person in sight with normal clothing. Naturally, it's quite a bundle of fun. My weekend was well spent in Cologne and today I watched another "train" (like a parade) in Erkelenz with the kids. During part of the train, I saw the tiger duck! Which was my costume so I was pretty excited. (The tiger duck is a cartoon for kids here.) Now the children are stuffed with scrambled eggs and toast and are watching some tv before bedtime. I've finished washing all my clothes from the weekend that smell like smoke and beer. Not my favorite aroma. Jojo had to air out her costume after our evening in Cologne because it smelled so bad!

Oh how I am going to miss Hannah Easley. She is leaving me in a few weeks and I've been in denial for too long. She was the first person I met right after I prayed for a friend who believes in Jesus. And this past year and a half we've lived through the crazy happenings of venturing in a foreign land together. I'm not sure how I will continue that venture without her sarcastic comments and snide remarks that keep me laughing. Yesterday after church, while we walked through the city to get some lunch, I got so sad and couldn't deny it any longer. I will miss her so dearly.

You know how sometimes it's so difficult to know a person? To feel close to their heart and understand them as much as they understand themselves, or perhaps even more? And then do you know how sometimes it's so easy? Why is that? I'm imagining the people in my head that were so easy for me to know. I quickly understood their heart. And I'm also imagining how that "knowing" compares to the depth of how our Saviour knows us. And it's never difficult for him. He looks at a person and goes straight to their heart. It's displayed all over the gospels whenever he meets people. It's so beautiful, and when I put that comparison in my head, I feel an explosion of warmth at the richness with which he knows me. And not only that, but his knowing is greater than mine, because he created me from the inside out. When my eyes fail me, he is my vision. When my heart fails me, he is my guide. When my strength fails me, he is my rock. When I tilt my head down and see the disaster that's overtaken every aspect of my being, when I see clearly ever error spread all over me, that's when I have to throw down the pride that tears me constantly from him. And then he comes, and he comes with strength, and faithfulness, and great love. He takes care of me gently and sweetly and miraculously. And I never want to live by my own will again, because he is my delight, my glory, and my satisfaction. And this all sounds so wonderful doesn't it? Because it is! And somehow I throw it away again and again for any little obstacle that wraps itself in beauty and lures me in. Who am I kidding, they're not always beautiful. When they're ugly I want them too and I take them. And then it's so difficult to know myself, even just to know myself to the extent that I do, which is faint in comparison to how Jesus knows me. And then my eyes widen in horror that he knows me so well and wonder because he loves me still. He sees what he created me to be, and what I will be when he returns. Complete in him, at rest, whole. My name is written in his book and I am rescued by the only one strong enough to wash away my wrongs and make me right. 'Oh God be my everything, be my delight Be Jesus, my glory, my soul satisfied!'

My heart will choose to say,

Lord, blessed be your name.
Yesterday, I picked a shirt off the floor and told Jojo, "I think this shirt is dirty." She glared at me and replied, "It's not dirty, it's thirty." Words failed me. I also learned how to play chess this week. I'm 21 and I'd never known how to play it. And now I got taught by 2 children describing all the pieces to me with random German words that I didn't know. Life is weird. But I understand the game now!!! I have yet to beat one of them...one time Johanna killed me with one of her pawns. That was a low moment! School is going really well right now. I'm one of the few people who will actually willingly participate in class, so it gives me a good advantage to practice speaking. The weather is starting to be more like spring which is lovely. I don't like wearing all my winter layers while I bike, it's so irritating! My Alaska bike is doing quite well, I just bought a protector for my tires since I've been getting mud sprayed all over my back. And it's so fun finally riding through the fields on it after all the months of riding through those same fields wishing to be on my own bike. It's quite wonderful!!! Oma (Britta's mom) had surgery on her foot so she's staying at our house right now and I have to say, I'm really enjoying her company! I have someone who I can ramble to in German, and I've surprised myself how much I can pull out of my head! This past week I haven't hardly thought in English!!! During my bike ride today, while the rain poured down upon me as I made my way through the muddy fields, I thought back again to August 2011 and what lengths I've come to in understanding and speaking German. Every time I think about my progress (It's not too often) I'm amazed at how much more I have learned than I thought was possible for me. I speak things that I never learned or studied, but just came out because I heard them over and over until I finally understood how to use them myself. It really beats studying out of a book!!! Although I do that too... but I learn so much more from listening and applying then from any book, to be honest. With that said, I'm really pumped right now about the test in May! Let's hope that lasts over the next few months. :) Tomorrow I'm leaving the house at 9am and riding my bike to Holland. I haven't done it since I've been home, and I'm venturing to Roermond, which will take me much longer than my usual destination. It's gonna be an all day biking trip and I'm sooooooo excited! I haven't taken a weekend to myself in a while. I always think that it'll be so sad and lonely, but when I get on my bike and spend time outside, sit at a cafe and read, and walk through a new city and look around, I find high enjoyment in it all! I think that's very important to be comfortable spending quality time alone. So this weekend is looking pretty bright to me. It's odd, because the past month or two have been filled with a lot of sadness that I'm not accustomed to. And somehow I felt that this blog would turn into a serious, thoughtful string of words, but it's completely opposite. As I keep typing, I'm discovering how incredibly blessed I am and it makes me so thankful.

Home & Home

My Alaska time was well spent and richly enjoyed. Slightly fast, but not too short. My plane was early to land and I figured they wouldn't be there yet, so I was walking sadly along, and when I rounded the bend, behold, my family was all standing there. My vision got blurry and I just smiled so big and then it turned into a sob, which turned into complete crying as I kept walking. Something couldn't get me to run to them. I wanted the full enjoyment of the moment, and it truly was like slow motion! Either that, or I walked extra slow. Katie came to me first and we both hugged and cried as any true girl would. It was so unreal to see them after so long. I remember particularly that I made Katie laugh within the first few minutes of my arrival. It's always been this fun challenge for me to get her to laugh, because it's not easy. I mean real, from the gut laughter. And thinking back, I realize that what I said probably wasn't that funny, and it was more of my newness that caused it, but I'll take what I can get. Once I arrived home, I got into my pajamas and they all mocked me and said I looked like an old lady. Oh well, at least I'm a cute one. 
We played many games of Mah Jonng, which I'd dearly missed. I won my first game too! I saw Sienna and she warmed back up to me quite speedily! Whenever she'd come over, she'd yell out my name. She's rather darling. For my birthday, Anna took me out and we bought scotch. I drove her car which terrified me but I managed. Other than that, it was quite relaxed, and mom made me a delicious salmon dinner. The Heinens had given me a special birthday candle to light at my birthday dinner so they'd "be there" with me, and guess what I did? Well, I picked it up to light it, and it slipped and shattered all over the table. Yep, I guess I didn't want them at my party. Boogie managed to fix it as best as possible, but it's forever scarred!!! Boogie's birthday was wonderful. She wore a darling dress and we drank smoothies, listened to good music, bought some alcohol and enjoyed being together like the good old days. And I say days, because literally that's all we've had. Never enough time with her! Christmas was glorious. We had so much fun sitting lazily in our pajamas most of the day and being together. Mom made a yummy breakfast and it was just completely perfect. Later in the afternoon we all got dressed up for the Christmas party that evening. The whole day I was just so happy to be spending time with my family. We had a fun night where I made them all Feuerzangenbowle with the set that the Heinens gave me for my Christmas gift. It was exciting and they all screamed while the fire danced upon the wine! Most of us were smart, and only drank one glass of it, since it's extremely strong, but a few brave ones ventured into a 2nd and perhaps even a 3rd glass... it made the night verrrrry interesting!!! Katie and I spent a weekend at a hotel and we had our special time together that we'd been craving. It was so magical. We were super excited about our room and we ran through the hotel halls, we went swimming, which was really mostly hot tubbing, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden, where we spoiled ourselves, but didn't eat to the point of sickness. The whole time was just perfect. Our conversations were perfect, the atmosphere was perfect, the everything was just perfect. It's not explainable, it only makes sense inside my head as I remember the weekend. We did manage to get into a car accident on the way to church, but were blessed to not be seriously hurt. And we have a special memory from it, despite the scary parts. At the end of my trip, I wasn't quite ready to leave my family, though I was happy to go back home. And now I'm home and I'm happy. But the ache is stronger because now I recognize more how much I miss them and I got used to being with them again. Somehow though, I have hope, and this summer seems to be smiling upon us... 

Sunday evening the 13th when I got home:
As I walked into the house, Gereon was the first one to come out from the kitchen yelling my name and gave me a big hug! Then Britta was there and hugged me, at which point a few tears began to come out, and then as I turned around, Christoph was standing there saying hello with a big grin and hugging me while Jojo ran down the stairs and jumped into my arms. At that point, I could barely talk because I was crying. Britta made chicken curry for dinner while I showed the kids their gifts from Alaska. They loved that, of course. Then they showed me their rooms and the new things they'd gotten from Christmas. Jojo gave me a Christmas present that she'd made for me in school, and then we played the jelly bean uno game that I'd bought for her until dinner time. I sat with them and had a glass of wine while I went over my trip home. At one point, Gereon was complaining about not wanting to pack his school bag for the next morning. As he reached for his water, he suddenly sang out "relax, don't do it"and I about died laughing. I love that even in a different language, he can twist words in songs in such a funny manner. That's talented, truly.
The next morning, Gereon came down the stairs and said, "Karly, smell my sweatshirt" as he tugged it towards my face. He was wearing the new cologne I'd given him! It was sweet. They're all sweet. I smiled when I went to bed and knew that I was beyond blessed.

Tuesday Jan 15th
I walked into the house to get dinner ready and while I set the table, Gereon turned on an ACDC song "Back in Black" with the volume all the way up and played along with his drums. I heard the song about 12 or 13 times and then Jojo started headbanging and air guitaring next to him and it was so hilarious! We had a wrestling match earlier in the living room and she kept biting me! At one point we were both laying on the floor looking at each other and laughing. It was so great. Her and Gereon were impossible to put to bed! Jojo was so wound up and Gereon test sprayed all of his new colognes on his finger so I could smell and approve of them, then Jojo had to do the same with her perfumes and then it escalated as everything with children does and colgone and perfume was sprayed all over the bathroom, hallway and all over me! I still smell it! Finally I got them both to finish brushing their teeth and then I tried to settle Jojo down. The only way I could get her quietly in bed was when she asked if she could do my make up so we made a deal. I  look like a ghost. She took the darkest color and smeared it over and under my eyes. It's ridiculous. And when Christoph got home he played the electric guitar with Gereon's drums to the ACDC song. It was so sweet! And Jojo played her piano song so she wouldn't be left out. I love this family!


Wednesday Jan 16th
I showed Jojo her photo album today and she sat in my lap as we looked through it together. She laughed at some, smiled at others and quoted all the lines I wrote in for her. I read her aloud the big text that I'd written at the front and she gave me a big hug at the end. She really liked it. Later, when Gereon and her played uno with me, he looked through the album and said while he flipped the pages, "Karly, you're cool" and kept looking through. I beamed. :) Later in the afternoon, we all went outside to have a snowball fight and at first we threw back and forth but then it turned into one person standing as a target and the other two taking turns hitting the torso. We had fun with that for a long time and Gereon got me really good a few times in the face! He would walk up to me and shove me and I'd shove back. He got really goofy too and was laughing harder than I've seen from him for a while! Then Jojo and I suddenly became snow police and spoke entirely in Genglisch to Gereon while we chased him. I showed them how to stand under trees while I shook it so the snow fell on them and they loved that. Then we began running around the front and back yard and all over throwing snowball after snowball. We were all panting and eventually we went to get some apfelshorle which we slurped down in a few seconds of silence. Finally, we went inside and Jojo stuck her hands inside my back and it was COLD! While we were playing, Gereon asked Jojo "is there much snow on my hood?" to which she replied, "No, it could be mucher." :) And then when Gereon was trying to put his glove on, we got our snowballs ready and he said, "nein, wait!" I can tell I've been gone for too long!

And then there's today. One word is in my head today. Trust.