Life is too short to eat vanilla ice cream and dance with boring men.

Though it would be far too easy for me to talk talk talk away the past month that I have not written about, that seems slightly irrational so instead I decided to write about whatever pops into my head regardless of when it happened. For instance, I have planned out my Friday mornings to bike to Holland and have my Bible study in a cafe along the border. My reasoning is that it's a 2 hour trip both ways so I get my daily exercise, I can speak English with the super cool waiters there since I speak zero Dutch, and I can have the delicious liquor they bring out with my coffee. This week I begin biking to school 3 times a week again. I got a new bike and I really hope no one breaks my lock and steals it this time. I took a train with Devan to the Frankfurt Airport deathly early on Sunday morning. As we stood at the base of the escalators and said our goodbyes, the past month of her stay rushed through my head and I couldn't help but smile despite the sadness. Once I turned and walked away, 2 or 3 tears slipped out as I succumbed to being by myself again. It truly is a curse and a blessing. It's one of the healthiest choices I have made for myself, to step out and be in more solitude with my thoughts and weigh out choices and actions with my own judgement, but it's also necessary for people to have other people in their life. I have to find that balance in my life as I get older. My relationship with God has been a struggle for me this past month. I have pulled away from the intimacy the Lord gives and I have lost some vigor in my growth and knowledge of God. I tend to think it comes from selfishness. When I get wrapped up so tightly in the world and everything around me, I lose sight of Jesus. I lose sight of the truth that none of my good or bad actions lead me to or away from him. He was, is and will be with me forever. But even then, I feel the weight of my sin, I feel the death that stalks me. The creation is groaning, waiting for God. Every muscle, every bone, every fiber of being ache with worldliness, reek of humanism. Veins pulse with unearned blood. Weary of movement yet afraid of stiffening and shriveling, heaving burdens through each curtained day, revealing a host of scars and stains through the veil of the visage. In other words, realizing the weight of my sin really hurts! It's drastically humbling and makes redemption so beautiful. I really miss the snow and chilly air that only Alaska can satisfy me with. I am insanely jealous, despite the cold temperatures. That I will never be jealous of! I always remember trying to start my truck at 5:30am, wrenching the key with both hands and still not being able to turn it on! I simply cannot miss those sorts of things. I do dearly miss the outdoor wilderness though. I miss hiking into the mountains and having no sounds around me. How I miss it! I want to hike so badly! I definitely enjoy the rain here though. It is lots of fun! Each raindrop in a kiss on my face, sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my nose!!! Sometimes it even hails and I love the strong winds. So let me go now to some brighter notes about my life! I am actually having a grand day so I should stop writing about struggles. I have so many blessings! Devan and I went to a town called Aachen and I am in love with it. We had cake and coffee at the oldest cafe in the city (and this city is oooold) and there were stairs and curves and all sorts of crazy designs going on! It was cramped and cozy and oh so cultural. I fell in love. We visited a beautiful church and saw some sculptures of Charlemagne. When we biked to the Netherlands, I was reminded of Alaska. We biked down a windy road that was surrounded by forests, and randomly a small cottage would pop into sight but it was so wild looking that I didn't want it to end! Belgium was fantastic. Devan and I did not see the famous statue but decided we didn't need to since we saw a billion replicas in every store. We had such fun strolling through all the small streets, eating samples of chocolates and pastries, learning about monk made beer and peering into numerous lace shops. So pretty! Devan found an entire store of miniatures. I could have created a mini life. I oohed and awed at everything in sight for quite some time. I was enamored! We accidentally wandered through a sketchy part of town. There was not a white person in sight and the roads were creepy and dark. So that was thrilling of course. We met some cool people and it was fun hearing all the French again! I love listening to it. Devan recognized some words and we enjoyed hearing everyone around us. I had a wonderful birthday/new year by the way! All the friends I met from our Juist vacation came to celebrate and there were piles of streamers, piles of food, plenty to drink, and dancing dancing dancing!!!!! More fun than dancing was watching everyone else dance. Soooo fun!!! I had a ball. We drank champagne while the fireworks went off around town and I wore a gold lacey dress and sparkly shoes that Devan was so kind to lend me. They looked like dorothy shoes except pure gold!!! Naturally I felt like a princess. Homework is currently beckoning to me so I must be up up and away. 

Rambling makes for bad vocabulary. Entschuldigung.

Monmartre Str.
Sacre-Coeur Church
Place du Tertre
Moulin Rouge
Opéra National de Paris
Tuileries Gardens
Avenue des Champs-Elysees
Arc de Triomphe
Tour Eiffel
Les Invalides
Musée du Louvre
Notre-Dame Cathedral
Rue de Rivoli
La Défense
Du Château de Versailles
Fragonard Parfume Museum


Choosing my favorite is not an option. Each place brought different emotions and and different memories. I took a trip to Paris on a Russian tour bus. So yes, that most certainly brought a spark of excitement and oddity to the already wondrous prospect of traveling to Paris, France! My first hour in the city, I didn't even catch one glance of the Eiffel Tower and I began to get irritated thinking that it should be more obvious to see. But as I was walking down from Sacre-Coeur I glanced through a gate and there it was! Off in the distance, and hard to see through the mist from the rain but nevertheless, still in sight. Unfortunately, the woman in me came out and I began to cry. Such times are when I wish I had less emotion. Crying on the street because of some man made building is extremely pitiful. After recovering my sanity, I continued walking and basking in the art displayed through every corner of my vision. Gold. So much gold. Gold intermixed with dark and light stones, making it shine all the brighter in comparison. The whole time I walked through the streets, whether fighting the urge to say yes to the Frenchmen in berets asking to paint my portrait, studying the detail of the architecture, or taking in the smell of the rain and the sound of the city, I thought in my head, "Katie. Mom. I want them here with me." 
Later in the evening, Olga and I bought a bottle of champagne and took a train down to the Eiffel Tower. It was around 11pm and the lights of the city were sparkly and magical. Every so often, the Eiffel Tower would begin to blink and glitter. We found a lovely viewing spot, popped open the champagne bottle and enjoyed a glorious moment together! I truly will not forget that 30 seconds of my life. When we were getting close to finishing our champagne, some Frenchmen came up and asked us for drugs. Telling people to leave you alone in France doesn't seem to have much of an effect. After talking with them for a few moments (at least trying) we managed to escape. I actually found it very exciting because my mom always talked about her crazy Frenchmen stories and I was glad to experience it! Unfortunately, it only got crazier from then on. We walked around the city for quite some time, taking photos, being silly and wandering through the Christmas market buying cheese and chocolate and those sorts of goodies. There was an entire stand filled with cheese and they would shove slices of cheese into your welcoming hands to sample. I definitely sampled almost every kind so I was too full to pay for any. It's quite a convenient shopping method. Eventually, we decided to head to the Metro since our tour guide told us it closed at 1am. Under the city in the metro, there are those spinning security wheels (I don't know the name!) and you could not push through them unless you inserted a ticket. Well, I took a glance around, looked at Olga and said, "just do it." Her eyes got a bit wider, but then she obliged me and crawled under the security. I followed suit, then we looked at each other and began to laugh. No one even noticed us! We continued through the passageways and found the name of the area we needed to get to. The problem was, there was a giant gate shutting us out from the corridor. I looked it up and down for a moment (it looked exactly like the gates in Titanic!) then walked over and pressed a button on the wall. Yes, that was very stupid of me. The gate opened and we walked through to the other side. Then the gate closed on it's own. We walked to our railway track and waiting for a few minutes. We started to get nervous because no one else was waiting for this train. It was dark and quiet and a little bit frightening to be honest. A woman's voice came over the speakers and announced something in French. We almost freaked out but then she began to translate in English. Once we realized what she said we decided it was good to freak out. The trains had been shut down for the evening and we were officially stuck in the middle of Paris with no way of getting to our hotel, miles away. Thinking it couldn't get worse, we decided to get out of the Metro and into the city to consider our options. Walking back to the gate, I realized there was no button on this side of the wall. I stood there for a moment, then grabbed the gate and shook it for a few moments to calm myself. This seemed to make things worse though. We searched for exits to no avail. As we walked up some stairs I saw a sleeping bag with a man curled up inside it. I actually laughed because it fit so perfectly into our scenario. Trapped under the city of Paris in an empty, creepy and silent metro with dark passages and a homeless man in a sleeping  bag. Honestly. Finally we found a glass door and began banging and yelling for help. A few guys sauntered over and leered at us for a few moments before opening the door for us. Breathing in the fresh air everything felt better. We still had not solved the problem of getting to our hotel at 2 in the morning. The Lord blessed us with a kind older couple who spoke a little English, and the managed to find us a taxi amidst the endless honking of car horns and people shouting to keep moving. it was insane! Despite the money needed to pay for the taxi, we were so thankful to be safe and after the initial shock of the evening, we smiled about the Parisian memory we had just made together. Nothing will stick in your mind like creepy, locked Paris metros. All day on Sunday we walked through museums and my feel almost fell off. I saw so much breathtaking art that captured so much emotion, despite the stillness of the painting. After looking at the Mona Lisa for about a minute, I gave her a smirk and walked away to enjoy the many other pieces of art. 
I came home from my weekend in Paris and caught up on sleep for an entire week. It truly wore me out but in the best of ways. Now I am continuing my studies, working, and preparing for Christmas. I have had more glum moments in this past week then usual, but where are the swell times without some sad ones? At this moment, the wind is howling and the rain is pouring. I happen to love it. The sound of it on the windows lasted all through the night. It makes me feel extra snuggly in my bed. Then I start to miss Boogie because she would let me snuggle with her! I baked some cookies this morning and thought about how soon Devan will be here and how much culture she will be a part of. I am so excited for her. I miss a few things from the states and I will state them now, just for fun. I miss real brown sugar, good peanut butter, pumpkin pie, free bathroom usage, tap water, and almond milk. I realize that most of that is food related, but then again, what isn't food related? Food is just so great. 

Light as a Feather

This morning I sat down on the bottom stairs of the cellar and cried about nothing. I supposed it wasn't really nothing as my tears were slowly lifting the weight off my body. My thoughts were heavy as they trickled down my cheeks, cracking, drying, eventually disappearing. I prayed to the ultimate Comforter and he lavished his wealthy supply of grace onto me. Grace is like a snowstorm of feathers. Soft, full and light. 


Gereon and I turned of all the lights this evening and played hide and seek. He has a habit of sneaking up on me and scaring the living daylights out of me and my poor heart so I decided he needed a dose of his own medicine. If you can dish it you can take it! Unfortunately, my plan backfired, and he managed to be the world's best hider, forcing me to wander through the pitch black house searching for him, waiting for his scream or his hand to grab my shoulder. Somehow, a pillow fight commenced in the midst of the darkness and we had an intense duel before I had to accept defeat. I seem to have become quite the pro at accepting defeat since I have moved to Germany! I suppose a new country brings new challenges.


Jojo and I worked on her Christmas gifts this morning, which involved coloring a giant poster while listening to girly music on her stereo. We danced a bit and sang into a Nutella container. (genius idea, by the way, It smells much better than a hairbrush!) This evening she gave me a kiss and said, "I love you" before heading off to her bed. I turned back to the sink to wash some dishes and it took me a few moments to realize I was smiling. I love it when smiles sneak up on me like that. :)


Last night I was talking to a new guy in the class who moved from China to Sweden, where he lived for a year and learned some English. He has just arrived here and now is trying to learn German. I feel bad for him! Translating in his head from Chinese to English (what he knows of it) then to German is so confusing for him. At least for me, English is similarly structured to German. As we walked out of the class, I started to put my backpack on my bike when he asked me, "is that your bike?" and as I peered closer (it was pitch black by this time, so only the distant street lights were shedding a few strands of light) I noticed that it was definitely not my bike. I turned to the side to see where my bike was, and it simply was not there. This is about the point where I began to panic. The poor boy was trying to calm me down but I started pacing and thinking out loud, making another boy from my class walk over to see what was happening. Once I finally accepted that someone had stolen my bike, despite the fact that I had locked it, I turned my logic back on and called Britta. I managed to choke out the words, "I walked outside from my class and the bike is gone...I have the key and it just isn't here. I'm really freaked out." To which she immediately replied, "Okay Karly, Christoph will come and get you, don't worry." I said goodbye, and as I hung up the phone I thought about the kindness it must have taken for her to care about my safety after I just told her that her $600 bike was gone. After searching throughout the city, peering around at all the bikers, we went to the police, then I came home and apologized to Britta. When I went to my room that evening, I laid in my bed and cried as I thought of how the first thing she told me was that it wasn't my fault, as she gave me a big hug. Their grace truly came from the heart and I felt it. I am thankful beyond words and thank the Lord everyday in my prayers that I am with such an incredible family. Also, I just want to add some spice to this story...I have been sitting here in my room with my Christmas candles on and as I was writing about my bike tragedy, I heard Christoph come home from his guitar lessons and yell my name from the driveway. I looked out the window and he said, " I found the bike." I said, "wait!" then ran downstairs and opened the door, listening to him explain how the thief had not been able to undo the contraption that had locked around the spokes, so they returned it to where I had put it earlier! Crazy right? Christoph just happened to bike by my school on his way home to see if it was there, and it had indeed returned! I jumped up and down in my living room on the way back upstairs. Praise God! Oh, and good riddance to the thief who couldn't unlock the bike! 


All in all, today was a day where the good outweighed the bad, despite the quantity of bad I had during the morning. Being here brings me the best and worst of times. Oh, and guess what? I found the Christian friend I have been praying for. We are planning trips already! I attended a church last Sunday that was half German, half English. The praise songs that filled the room were spoken in different languages and made me more fully comprehend the glory of God and how he created all of our languages. "Every tongue, every tribe, every nation, every land, bringing honor, bringing glory, bringing praise unto the Lamb of God!" Amen to that! The entire sermon was in English with a German translator so I really learned a lot from listening to the back and forth translating. I definitely will be returning. :) Also, I received a lovely phone call from Olga that we are officially going to Paris together this weekend! We leave from Düsseldorf on Friday evening and come home on Sunday evening. We will have a hotel to stay in, a short tour on Saturday, and all travel fares for $69!!! Needless to say, I would be crazy not to be smiling this evening. 

The loveliness of being loved

This very evening I spoke German more comfortably than I have since being here. The entire evening I had conversation using almost entirely Deutsch. I still have so much to learn but it continues to make more and more sense in my head. I can follow what's going on instead of standing there thinking about random things while staring at the drink in my hand. Some of my thoughts are becoming German and now I am starting to combine English and German when I speak. Gut, aber nicht so gut... My last few weeks have been a struggle to catch up in my Deutsch class since I started almost two months late and I finally feel close to being up to par. Not being the best definitely inspires me to study! I enjoyed a marvelous St. Martin's Day walking through the streets of Wegberg with the children singing songs and holding lanterns. It was rich with culture and I soaked it in. My mouth was so sore from the constant smile on my face that I felt like Barbie! I met 3 other au pairs last weekend in a nearby city called Erkelenz where I take my classes and it was so lovely to speak "fast" English and be with other girls my age. Last Saturday I spent with Olga hanging out in Düsseldorf and we had such a grand time! After our fun day, we came back to my house and enjoyed a Germanized version of Thanksgiving with the family, their friends and the au pairs I had met the night before. It was a glorious evening! Lots of beer and not a pie in sight. This week I biked to school, which takes about 40 minutes. On the way back it was pitch black since my class ends at 19:30, and even with the bike light and my headlamp, I could still barely see a few feet ahead of me. I am biking through a few villages and lots of fields so there are not many lights. It was quite exhilarating. Also, I do not have the money to spend on new jeans and I have already gained about 10 pounds since being here so biking is good! My money is all for traveling right now. :) I returned home this evening from the town center where I enjoyed an evening of music, dancing and german speaking! Jojo had a choir performance and we watched while drinking the delicious, hot, holiday wine that comes during Christmas season. They set up an ice rink for the kids and while they played, we talked and danced to the live music. It was a grand evening! Jojo had a few friends over this afternoon and we played marvelous games including playmobile, where we helped each other with the German and English words for all the accessories, then we turned off the lights, turned on a few rotating blinking lamps and danced to some girly music. In the midst of that, we had a pillow flight. Everytime Jojo grabs my hand, hugs me, paints me a picture or snuggles up next to me, I feel so content. I love being loved. The honesty of children makes their gestures so much more meaningful. I love kissing them goodnight or rubbing their backs when they're tired. I simply adore both of them. The Lord has truly blessed me with an incredible family here. Next weekend I am planning a trip to Paris with Olga. I am extremely excited. This Sunday I might go to a Christmas market in Köln with Britta and Christoph which would be lovely! I need to get a few more gifts for my family. I have felt very torn lately about my life direction. I'm not rushed into deciding if I want to stay another year but it has definitely been on my mind a lot and I am confused. I miss everything about my home in Alaska but love everything about my home in Wegberg. One moment I want to cry and go home and the next I want to stay another year! Crazy right? This afternoon I was surprised to see my family on Skype at 4:30 in the morning. (14:30 for me.) I spoke to my mom and she told me she woke up to take Kevin to the Black Friday shopping. Seriously. Of all the woman in that house and my brother was the only one who wanted to get up early and go shopping. Plus he's crippled! I got a good laugh out of that. Sometimes I can really tell that he was raised in a prominently feminine household... My eyes are beginning to close on me. It has been a long week. As always, I love letters or even a quick email. I miss everyone. I enjoyed speaking with the lovely Kristen Olson today which made me smile and have renewed energy for my daily duties. :) I love her! Germany is still so warm I have used my winter coat only twice. I won't lie though, I miss skiing so badly. I am aching to get to the top of a mountain and just fly down it! Oh, some good news on the horizon for me... I am tentatively planning a venture to the land of the leprechauns in March for St. Patrick's Day. Maybe I will get to see the real way to celebrate the shamrock!

Time Soars By

Ten days. After that, I will no longer be a tourist. I will be an official resident in Germany! Hopefully with a visa to prove it. :) When my alarm wakes me up in the morning, my first thoughts as I open my eyes are heavy and filled with sadness. It's not for a particular thing, but a broad, empty weight that stretches across my soul. After a few moments it passes but I have started to dread the morning's first few minutes. I begin each new day with a prayer and the Lord is faithful and just. I am continually drawn near to Him and do you know what my favorite part is? I will spend my entire lifetime knowing God more. I will learn and learn and learn and STILL I will yearn to know Him more. In that moment when I put on the imperishable and lack the sting of death, I will come to be with my Lord for eternity, knowing Him more for the rest of time. What a glorious hope. I have been settling in more and more with each day. Learning new things, becoming more comfortable, and most of all, sculpting my surroundings to suit my fancy. Pulling towards me the sights and smells of home, the familiar sounds, anything and everything that will establish my life here. Slowly but surely, it will come. Friday afternoon, I was shopping with Britta in the grocery store and a song from the movie 'Spirit' came onto the radio and I began to cry. It wasn't obvious crying, but on the inside it was a good and satisfying cry. Katie listened to the Spirit soundtrack for about a year straight when she was younger and she performed a beautiful dance to one of the songs as well. It was then that I suddenly realized the depth of how much I miss my family. This Saturday I travelled to Bonn with the family and their last two au pairs. It was so much fun! We went to "Haus der Geschichte der Bundesrepublik Deutschland" which basically means House of German History. It was the history since 1945 and it took us 3 hours to see everything. I was enraptured the entire time. I had an English guidebook to read from and Christoph would also explain a lot to me since he had seen some of the things they were showing. I think it is so important to know the history of where you live and now I know! Although I am researching more on the internet because one day was not enough. There was a black room dedicated to the Holocaust that seemed to seep sadness out of each corner. I stood inside it for five minutes just looking and thinking. There were photos and there were names. And there were emotions. It was really intense for me. Yesterday I went on a bike ride with Christoph and the kids to a cute coffeehouse. I walked in and it was stuffed to the brim with tables and chairs. It was hot and there were "things" everywhere. I glanced up and saw knitted socks hanging from a clothesline on the ceiling. There were chalkboards every few feet along the wall and the fireplace had miniature cooking utensils hanging around it. Oh, and there was a cat lounging on a bench! Basically, it looked like mom's dream house. Most of all, it felt really cultural. It was so magical! I had a beer and reveled in the atmosphere. Christoph told me it was also a bed and breakfast so now I have the perfect outing to spend with DEVAN!!! :) As we biked home, we passed a field of cows and I noticed that one of them had a ring in his snout! I felt bad for the poor guy. There were lots of horses as well, and the fields are starting to develop a thin layer of frost every morning! I like that. Sunday evening, after our bike ride, I went inside and sat by the toasty fire to write letters. Christoph was playing Enya and I felt so relaxed and cozy. I was encompassed in the perfect atmosphere and I could not have been more content. I attended an evening service at the Catholic church and it was wonderful because I walked in the darkness of the town up to the main square where the church bells were ringing. I stepped away from the starry sky into a giant cathedral and listened to the organ and German hymns. I participated with my heart more than my words, that's for sure. Today I walked through the town and stopped in a few shops. I am getting better at understanding people!!! I usually am terrified when I walk in, but now I can communicate with a bit more ease. It's ever so wonderful. I found a cute little second hand store that has good clothes and nice prices too! The old man working there was so sweet and I was able to talk with him in German which was very satisfying. :) I bought a white lacy vest. It's very whimsical and I love it. I got it at a discount too! Tonight I am celebrating St. Martins with my family here. It will be a great cultural experience for me! They even insisted that I skip my Deutsch class because I would learn more from this evening with them. I will not argue! The kids will go door to door with their homemade paper lanterns and sing songs and get chocolate. I will be drinking hot wine and speaking Deutsch to the best of my ability. This is my first official German holiday! I am quite excited. I spent the afternoon cleaning my place and it got me very excited for when Devan comes to stay with me. I can't wait to show her all the beautiful places I walk and bike to, and also all the little shops and the places we can travel together. Oh, it will be amazing.

The Three D's

Destination, Determination, Deliberation....Deutsch classes. I sat at the table today and wrote the numbers 1-50 five times each and spoke them aloud each time. Might I just add that they are not short words either. Try writing, "siebenundswanzig" more than once and tell me how it feels. Then do 49 more. Even so, I still feel unproductive with my learning skills. I am behind in my class since I did not start until November and I don't have a book yet so I can't do homework. I am excited for the beginning to end so that I can feel more confident. I spent this afternoon baking cookies. I was very proud of myself for figuring out how to measure everything and decipher the temperature for the oven. I have missed making my cookies. The whole house smells absolutely divine! I have concluded that I will never bake cookies without eating too much cookie dough. It happens every time without fail. Yesterday I ventured to the library in Erkelenz, which is right next to the school and there is ONE small shelf in the entire four story library that is English! One! Even with my limited options, I found a delightful read about the 1920's and how people were trying to forget the war. I am excited. Here I come, 640 pages! I also picked up a book from the church library entitled "The Reason For God" by Timothy Keller and I cannot go one day without reading it. It is teaching me so much about why I believe in Christ. Here is one of the first things he wrote that stood out to me: "A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies in it." Definitely give it a read, it is well worth your time. The days are getting colder here, even for me. The air is fresh, crisp and chilly. Every morning, the ground is enveloped in a thick misty layer that once lifted, leaves shining dots on the grass and pavement. I run or bike at 8:00 and I find it quite enthralling to go through. I paid a visit to my "family" from church last weekend. Right as I walked in I felt a wave of comfort rush over me as Julia pulled me into one of her amazing hugs. Being back in Düsseldorf where I began my venture, being back in this home with people who love me, being able to walk across the street and look out at the Rhine, filled me with fond memories and a coziness that settled inside my chest. It's not very explainable but quite extraordinary. This evening, after studying, I solved a puzzle. It's a box filled with shapes that have to be placed inside the square. Usually I detest those games because they seem impossible, but I conquered it and the feeling was a good one. Now I am going to read more of my 1920's book while the kids are playing with their friends. After that I will make dinner with Britta and then put the kids to bed while she goes to a conference. I feel a contentedness and a peace about where I am. My life here has started the "settling down" period (I think) and I am very grateful for it. My days are full but in a relaxed and structured manner. I am so blessed. My prayer request is for guidance with my Deutsch classes. I fear failure! Also, something that has been on my mind is considering staying longer than a year to continue studies in Germany. I am not making any decisions but it has been in my thoughts and I would appreciate prayer. As always, I miss everyone deeply and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am trying to stay updated with the sermons online! I would love to hear from you all. Tata for now!!!

Juist

Wow. My brain in exploding with information to write down! This past month has been entirely verrückt!!!!! Let me start from October 20th. Mr. Hartmann escorted me from the door of the villa through the thick sheets of rain underneath his umbrella to my ride home, which just happened to be a Ferrari. He opened the door for me and the moment I sat down I looked over and saw a button with the word, "Launch" right next to the emergency brake. I began to grin uncontrollably as we made our way down the mountain. Once we got to the autobahn I fell asleep but woke up suddenly to the sound of a loud motor. I blinked and looked out my window to a world of blurred greens and grays. Every few moments I could feel the car shifting gears and jolting us forward again. After I ripped my gaze from the window, I was pushed back in my seat by the force of our speed! Hello, 180 mph. :)


After that speedy adventure, we did not get another chance to go fast. The traffic was worse than my driver had expected and I began to worry I would not make the train I was hoping to make at 9pm in Frankfurt. Once I realized I would miss my train I called my family and asked them to find me another train but the only ones I could take left in the middle of the night. So my choice was to either inconvenience my family by having to drive to Erkelenz to pick me up at 4am or ask my driver who I barely knew to let me sleep at his house in Frankfurt. Awkward? I think yes. After telling him my dilemma, he thought for a few minutes and then told me he knew of a nice hotel right next to the Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof (main station) that he would pay for me to stay at and take a train the next morning. Obviously, I said YES! After he paid and dropped me off I realized it was past midnight and I had never eaten dinner. As I opened the hotel door into the streets of Frankfurt, the misty air hit my face and filled my lungs with it's crispness. I love cold air! I looked around for a cafe and my eyes found a few sleeping bags along the sidewalks. I tried not to stare as I walked to a small cafe for tomato mozzarella and a cappuccino. As I came back to my room, I walked very fast because the people walking around in the middle of the night looked so sketchy! I am sure it was because when it's dark, everything is scarier. But I wanted to live to see the morning so I booked it to my room. After 5 hours of sleep, I found another train in the morning and waited at the platform, wanting nothing except to finally be back home. My first train was late, which made me late to my other 2 connections and as I ran through the station of Düsseldorf with my suitcase and duffle bag past 15 platforms to get to my train, it literally began moving the second I pressed the open button. Heaving and wanting to fall down and cry, I hauled my bags to the side and began to look at the boards for another train to take. Within the next few hours I miraculously found 2 other trains and made my way home. HOME. I was home. Later that day, as I walked through my town, passing pools of water with ducks and goldfish, fields with horses and sheep, and cobbled streets with people biking and walking, I felt for the first time like myself. I felt happy! I was not just filled with short bursts of excitement and happiness from adventurous experiences, but I was honestly, whole-heartedly content. I like being home.


Saturday morning, I left with my family for a week in the North Sea on the island of Juist. After getting off the ferry onto the island, the weather was brisk and windy. There were no cars on this island, so you bike, walk or take a horse and buggy everywhere. I was in heaven! The island is small enough to walk across in a few hours, (although somehow I managed to get lost twice!) either along the beach or through the fields of horses and sheep. The sky looks so big when you're surrounded by ocean. I had magic, peace and beauty at every turn! I met wonderful friends of my family and we spent the week having fun together. While we were out shopping in town I noticed 2 kids with a double seated bike and the smaller kid in the back couldn't reach the pedals so he was pretend-pedaling through the air!!! Twas very amusing. I went for a few runs along the ocean during the week here, and as I ran through the wind, the ships drifted along the horizon and the sand danced along the shore. All the pain from my run slid off because the beauty that surrounded me was so breathtaking. Needless to say, I enjoyed my time on Juist and cannot wait to return again someday!


My family makes me feel comfortable and loved. I feel vibrant and true to myself. I am incredibly excited to see how everything unfolds in this next year. I attended a big family brunch last Sunday and met a majority of the extended family which was wonderful! The table was about 3 times longer than the average table and jam packed with food. It was truly a feast. I had 2 plates, 3 cups, 2 forks, 2 spoons, 1 knife, and a napkin. I smiled at the feast and thought, "Harry Potter." Really, I did.


This has been jumbled and crazy but so much has happened that I really cannot relate it all. I will conclude by saying that I am extremely blessed and I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes I still feel sad and I don't think that will ever go away, but I am confident that this is right where I should be. So here I am, sitting in my house with my new brother who likes chocolate and "moonwalk/Michael Jackson" dancing to jazz funk music!