Nature vs. Desire

Would you see me the way you see the heavens when they cry?

Would you carry me the way you carry the raindrops in your eyes?

Would you touch me the way you touch the flowing brooks and streams?

Would you know me the way you know the bending of the trees?

Would you hold me the way you hold the daisies in your arm?

Would you kiss me the way you kiss away the sin and the harm?

Would you take me the way you take the sand into the sea?

Would you love me the way you love for all eternity?

This afternoon called for some poetry writing! Today I celebrated "Fronleichnam" with my family. Jojo had her communion dress on, Gereon had his Pfadfinder outfit on, and we went in the morning to a church service in Wegberg. After the service, there was a procession to a small village called Beeck where we stopped in the center where big banners were hung up around a cross and they sang some songs. Then we went to another church service and I recited the Lord's Prayer in English during the German version. It sounded so cool, and Eva, I thought of you and that soccer field where you taught me!!! :) Of course, following the service was a bountiful provision of food and drinks. We came home in the afternoon and enjoyed a delicious asparagus themed lunch on the veranda, enjoyed a relaxing afternoon, then drove to the outskirts of Mönchengladbach and into the forest where a restaurant was hidden. I ate a huge pizza. We sat outside under the umbrellas while the rain poured down. Gereon and I have been bonding over Harry Potter the past week. And we learn the craziest words from each other! Like "invisibility cloak" and "upside down." It's great! 

My happenings have not been recorded lately which is sad because I tend to forget all the little details that bring me such joy. I try to write things down but the past 4 months or so it just hasn't happened. I haven't even been using my camera. It really is such a shame. It's coming up on a year since I've been in Germany! I truly am astounded by that. Time is confusing. 

Last Sunday night on my walk home from the train station, I tried to save a baby bird. The end result was an hour or 2 later I was sitting on the veranda crying as I watched him sitting helplessly in the nest I gave him, knowing he wouldn't be alive come morning. It was one of those "build up" moments where the entire preceding week I'd been getting ready to break and then watching my failure to keep a baby bird alive was my snapping point. I curled up on the ground and cried about absolutely everything imaginable for about 20 minutes, then I decided to go to my room and cry there instead. I ended up trying to speak with my mom but it was mostly tears, then poor Katie got to listen to the rambling after effects of my cry. When I woke up the next morning, I could barely see and was not feeling happier. I was unloading the dishwasher when Britta walked into the kitchen and really all it took was a few words from her before I burst into tears with some cups in my hand as I bent over the dishwasher!!! Not one of my finest moments. We spoke for a long time on the veranda and I felt more at peace. This past week I've been feeling the intensity and reality of studying here and making sure I'm 100% sure of my choice. So I'm in the midst of choosing which school course to take and would appreciate prayer and encouragement. I've also been praying for more convictions in my life and what needs to change and God is sure delivering on that one! Convictions are hard and I would also love prayer for me to have open eyes and a strengthened heart that acts on the convictions.  


Seeing as I've been here more than 9 months, Germany is no longer a crazy adventure that leaves me breathless with every new experience, but it's somehow even better, even richer. Sometimes I forget the magic I first felt when I would go biking here through the cobbled streets, or when I'd see vines intertwining around brick buildings, or how ecstatic I was to ride my first train. When I recapture those moments, the richness of my blessings return and I am filled with thankfulness, not only because I can once again appreciate the wonderful opportunity I have here but also because I realize how much Germany has been embedded into my character and my life. 

I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but with a bit more detail I will tell you about Jojo's first communion. She walked into the living room in the morning and twirled around in her white dress with buckled shoes and flowers in her hair. She was glowing. We walked to the church in the sunshine and pretty dresses, and then I sat with Oma and we talked in German about prayers and Bible verses until the service began. I nearly cried when Jojo took her communion. She had sung me all her songs the previous week so when we sang them in church, I wasn't totally lost! After the service, we spent the entire day at the house with 30 people having lunch and dinner. It was so fancy! There was a waitress who walked around with a tray offering different drinks, and a butler who cooked a 4 course lunch and served us! After lunch, I spent the afternoon talking in German with everyone. If I don't speak English for over an hour, it's easier to speak German because it becomes part of my thoughts. We had coffee and cake in the afternoon, and of course beer throughout the day. I played with an adorable toddler who asked me cute questions and we played with the bunnies, and jumped on the trampoline together. It was a grand celebration weekend over all!!!

In conclusion, I read a very interesting question this week that simply must be shared. 

If you could have heaven with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven if Christ was not there?

We should NEVER be satisfied without Christ, who is the love of our life for now and evermore. Let us always examine ourselves and draw into a closer relationship with him as we await the intimate eternity in store for us. "For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." - Matt. 7:14

No one knows who is listening, say nothing you would not wish put in the newspapers.

I never thought having a flat tire 6 miles away from home would be fun. But guess what? It totally was! Not at first though. I walked my bike to the nearest town from school and asked an old, portly looking fellow who was working on his car if he could help me. He pumped it right up for me and I biked away smiling. Not three minutes later I look down and it's flat to the ground once again. I half-heartedly laughed but I was feeling cranky because it was so humid today and I was sticky. I don't like being sticky. But what could I do? What I did was walk and walk and walk and kept walking while my bike squeaked the entire way. Once I made it into Wegberg I happened to walk right by a run down building with a few old guys standing outside and about 100 bicycles. I stopped and asked for help of course!!! I managed to tell them practically everything about myself that I knew how to say in German and they stood there with their dirty overalls and scruffy beards, listening patiently. I left my bike with them and walked away with a grin, thanking the Lord for an interesting situation. As I was walking home I decided to complete the day by waving quite energetically to a man hanging out of his window while in fact, he was waving to his 4 year old daughter behind me. I love it. I really do. And now I'm eating an entire bag of crackers and looking forward to snuggling up in my bed with a good book. I wish Boogie was here to snuggle with me though. Wow, I'm so thirsty!!! It must be the obscene amount of salt I'm currently intaking. On a different note, the last few weeks were spent in preparation for Jojo's first communion and it went splendidly. She was so beautiful. We had a wonderfully fancy party at the house with a cook, a waitress and a maid bustling around with trays serving us drinks and we had a 4 course lunch served to us as well. I haven't even mentioned the dessert and coffee! Ah, it was splendid. I sat in the garden and spoke German with men in suits, had great conversations with a toddler, and throughout the day as I played with the kids in the bunny cage, swung on the hammock and jumped on the trampoline, managed to shred my tights to pieces. I literally had to throw them right into the trash can. Though it has been far too long, and I have written far too little to actually say sometime about my life, my heart or anything of importance, my eyes don't like the screen anymore. I must be off to read! In English. I'm learning about German adjective patterns right now and I'm not very happy about it. 

Union

"A living, loving God can and does make His presence felt, can and does speak to us in the silence of our hearts, can and does warm and caress us until we no longer doubt that He is near, that He is here." - Brennan Manning


I stepped outside last night into the warm, dark air and took a walk to a park near the fields where I go running. It was late, I was in my pajamas, and the town was quiet. Peace was an automatic occurrence. I sat down on the swing and let Jesus sweep me away. We spent precious one on one time with each other. We shared closeness, intimacy, laughter, tears, and words. In earthly relationships, we find ourselves investing large amounts of our time with other people, other activities, other duties, all of these things a blessing to share in together. But it is absolutely vital to take time together with your other half. Alone. No one else, no duties, nothing but your unity. How much more than should our time with Jesus be, as the ultimate relation in our soul!!! Let us spend our time on this mist of an earth at the foot of the cross with the blood pouring over our bitter souls and spreading sweetness through our veins, providing grace and freedom. 


Jojo and I have been taking walks or bike rides to get ice cream the past few weeks. It has provided precious time for us to spend together. She takes my hand and just talks. About any and everything. We laugh and joke together, we talk about animals, we talk about boys, we talk about how flowers grow and the different colors in the wings of the ducks as we walk by the pond in Wegberg. She loves learning. She plays piano every time she walks into the dining room. She asks me to sing her to sleep. She reads me German stories at bedtime so I can learn her language. We spent an hour in her room cutting the hair of every single Barbie she owns as well as all her horses. We played Monopoly and I was so bad that she began to pay me when I landed on her property. I taught her "cat's cradle" and now she has dubbed it "3 fingers" so whenever she needs to do homework she instead yells out, "Karly, 3 fingers!!!" We spend endless amounts of time outside with her bunnies. One day when we were cleaning out the cage she looked up at me with her shovel and garbage bag and said, "Well, they poop and they eat. These are my bunnies." Then she heaved her shoulders in a sigh and continued her shoveling. I treasure her! She sits on my lap, squeezes my hand, jumps on my shoulder from the stairway, messes up my hair, and tickles me under the ribs. She loves red jelly beans. Almost every day she will grab the jelly bean duck my Grandma gave me and search and search until she finds red. She insists that I tell her the name of every flavor and then screws up her nose at them. She will give me kisses once in a while, and she says she loves me before falling asleep, but the sweetest things to me so far happened last week. She grabbed me in a hug before I left for the weekend, pulled me down to her and gave me a big kiss smack on the lips. Now, before you think about how strange that is, read further. Every evening at dinner time she goes around the table and gives endless kisses and hugs to her mom and dad. I never grew up kissing my parents on the lips, but I guess it's normal here! Or at least to them. Needless to say, I found myself smiling as I walked away and that smile turned into a hop, skip and a jump! and a laugh! And yes, I just wrote an entire paragraph about one little girl. The little girl that has poured sunshine into my heart!

Time.

Today marks 6 months in Germany. Tomorrow starts the next 10 months. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel led. Led in the perfect direction. It's an invisible direction, but I've always liked a good adventure! When I was a little girl I had a very special journal. It had a lock and key on it and inside I would write with an invisible ink marker. The only way to see the writing was to shine a special purple light over the paper. I was sure no one would ever read my secrets but me. Then I lost the purple light and in turn, all my invisibly written secrets. What I see now is that God wrote my path with those nifty invisible ink markers and I'm the purple light that shines over the story. My story! I only ever see what is right there in front of me, one word at a time, but it is enough. I believe there is more coming and I believe it is beautiful. Today I want to share a story about forgiveness because it has greatly affected the last 5 years of my life and especially this past week has been on my heart and mind. I have spent the majority of my teenage years in bitterness and anger. What I believed to be justifiable anger. My father made some grievous choices in my childhood, choices that created a rift in the family. Choices that tore me apart. Choices that quite literally threw me to the ground, denying my heart all the answers and affirmations I yearned for as a little girl. Not just the big moments, but the small moments I still crave. Sitting on his lap and reading a story. Getting a kiss goodnight. Being told how beautiful I am. I can't say I don't need that anymore because that is a giant lie. I want and need it still, even as an adult. I want my father to be my father. But that was tucked away and stomped flat inside my heart as I grew up. I learned to wake up each morning and start over. Forget yesterday, let today happen so I could forget it and fall asleep. I honestly believed that being independent, strong and emotionless was admirable. Sadly, all it created in me was bitter anger and a locked up heart. Dancing took out pieces of the darkness in me. Sometimes against my will, I would spill my emotion through the movements, recall moments of sorrow that I had buried long ago. They were covered in dirt and tears and I kept trying to dance them away. Dancing spilled them, but dancing could never heal them. So that left me in the middle of my ravaged heart, staring around at the emotions and darkness that had spilled out with no way of going back in. They lay blatantly at my feet, daring me to approach them. So I did. I took the long journey of crouching down and taking one at a time. Giving it my attention, affirming truths, removing lies, allowing Jesus to heal the broken fragments of my soul. But oh no, that journey is far from over. I reached a turning point at the age of 18 when the path of my heart had been cleared. That is when I truly forgave my father in the presence of God. I felt released from my anger. But I was drawn into confusion as I believed forgiveness would bring me complete healing. And that, it did not do. The last 2 years I have continued to experience sorrow and confusion as I struggle to push past the barrier of my grief. But then Jesus stopped me. He stopped me abruptly, sat me down and made me listen to Him. Here is what he taught me: I might spend my whole life forgiving my father over and over, every time I feel bitterness. Forgiveness will not take away my pain. It will not take away the gravity of how he affected me and it will not take away what he did to me. But it will take away my anger and turn it into sorrow. And it did. I have sorrow, I have grief, I have a longing that might never be fulfilled on this earth. But I am released from my bitter spirit. I can honestly pray for my father and not be tainted by unrighteous anger. I'm sad for him. I'm sad that I don't have the daddy I wanted to have. I have a daughter's love for him that rests in my heart, waiting. I pray and hope that one day he will be redeemed and brought to the arms of Jesus. Lord-willing, I will be there to see it and be united on earth with my father, even if for one day. I would normally not write this publicly for the sake of my father. But this is not written against him in any way. I am not angry with my father. I love him and this is a confirmation that no matter what, I will continue loving and forgiving until the day I'm brought to my heavenly Saviour's arms. And He loves me, every inch of me, oh so much.

Daily chocolate quantities exceeded

Last week I opened my door to a lovely layering of snow atop the trees and covering the garden. I gasped and ran to grab my camera. That was my very first time seeing snow in Germany! At the end of January...crazy. It was a foggy, frosty delightful sort of morning. After I had finished marveling, I grabbed my coat and biked to the bakery to get the rolls while the snowflakes swirled around me, creating a fantastic blindfold, but lovely all the same. Once I got home I went to the kitchen and when Jojo came in I smiled and said, "Look outside, Jojo." She glanced nonchalantly at first but then her eyes expanded and she ran up the stairs yelling, "Gary, du glaubst das nicht, du glaubst das nicht!!! Komm schnell!" After which commenced a thunderous pounding of their tiny feet down the stairs as they ran to the kitchen window and examined all the magic spread before their eyes. After breakfast, I took a 2 hour walk through the fields and smiled, prayed, thought about weird things and enjoyed plodding through the powdery trails. I also ate some snow off a branch. It brought me back to the days when mom was so annoyed at the piles of snow all of us kids consumed that she took a big glass dish and melted the snow so we would see all the seeds and dirt and stop eating it. It never quite did the trick. We continued to hurl ourselves into the piles of snow on the deck and eat our way out.


My second semester of school started this week and ends in June. I enjoyed my bike ride but what I enjoyed a bit less were the endless layers needed to block out the cold. The last 2 weeks have been the only time I've truly been cold here. Last weekend I travelled to Bonn and met with some friends to see a concert. We walked through some streets and stopped at a corner that I would have passed by without noticing, but upon closer look there was, in fact, a bar. The minute I walked in it was as if objects were magnetized to my eyes one at a time, zooming in and catching my attention. First I noticed the wooden rafters that created an oddly pleasant claustrophobic atmosphere. Next came zooming to me the oldest piano I've ever laid eyes upon. After that was a rusty sewing machine propped in a corner, and lastly were the couches perched on a slightly raised platform. I enjoyed some wonderful folk music, wonderful people and had a flaming shot of Sambuca spill all over my jeans. All in all a memorable evening! The trains didn't get us to Dusseldorf until the middle of the night and I took a bus to my friends place during which we spoke with a crazy guy! Every time I asked him a question he would shove a handful of fries into his mouth. I finally dropped onto a mattress sometime after 3:30 and slept for 5 hours. Woohoo. But the upside is I got to ride on my friend's motorbike to church!!! That was sensational. I want one.


Karneval is beginning to begin and I'm really excited! It's time for me to collapse into the warmth of my bed. As always, I miss you all! Katie, I'm so proud of you for getting accepted into Marymount Manhattan College and will be praying for you. Mom, you somehow manage to make sense of my ramblings and questions and sort through all the thoughts and notions in my crazy head. Thanks for that! I love getting advice from you. To end this I would just like to say that sometimes I get a bit down about practically everything, but at this moment when I looked back to August 2011 I can smile and see how much I've grown, changed, and been strengthened. I am so immensely thankful for the opportunity to have this time away and experience the world. I feel very small sometimes, the more I see and learn about the world. But sometimes being small is quite fun.  

Dream a little dream of me.

Hope is brought in the oddest of forms. Today as I sat on the train taking me home from church, a man next to me asked what I was reading and got really excited that my Bible was in English. That struck a conversation between us and we talked for 15 minutes in German as I explained what I was doing here, etc etc. During the conversation he told me I spoke lovely German and I felt a bubbly happiness rise inside of me at the words. Not just being able to understand them, but because it was a nice compliment for me since I knew I was struggling through sentences and sounding very elementary. Once he left, I looked out the window and couldn't stop a huge smile from coming out. I needed those words. It's hard being out of my element 24/7 but small affirmations that I'm doing okay make a world of difference. January has brought on some melancholy moods, most likely having to do with the bland colors, bland weather and bland schedule that January always brings. Basically, the aftermath of Christmas! I've been feeling extra lonely and out of place, missing home and craving time with my sisters and friends. Craving familiar roads, stores, all of the normal things that I have no access to. But since the Lord provides for our every need, I found myself going to church this morning with my friend Hannah and meeting loads of new young people. I went to lunch with them and even though most of the conversations were in German, I could understand the topics and simply being with other young people was immensely refreshing, just what I needed. Fellowship! Also, I have officially placed myself into a church for good. I initially intended on staying at Christ Church Dusseldorf but the pastor and his wife are leaving for a 5 month sabbatical and they are one of the main reasons I stay there. The other church I like is called Calvary Church Dusseldorf and I love it because it is a mixed language church so the preacher speaks English with a German translator and the worship songs play both languages so I can choose to sing German or English. Sometimes I choose to not sing at all and just listen to the voices praising Jesus in different words but one voice. It's incredible. Also they have a large amount of younger people and I really need to involve myself with others my age. So I am officially attending church solidly every week! Now that I am writing out these blessings I realize I should not be having such glum days. The blessings are so full and colorful, how can I complain? Somehow I find a way, much to my shame. Do you know one of the aspects of Europe in general that I am hopelessly in love with? Well you don't so I will tell you. Almost each time I meet someone they are from a different place. The culture is so rich, so packed with unique backgrounds and stories. It's my favorite part of getting to know people. Finding out where they come from, what their native language is and how they came to be in Germany. I am fascinated by culture. Hey, if you're looking for a good read, pick up the book Shantaram. It will keep you glued to your couch for endless hours! And now I want to go to India.

I like a man who grins when he fights!

Good old Winston...


Earlier this week, Jojo asked me to come to her school and sit in her English class with her so I came to the school on Thursday, thinking I would just be able to sit and see how the class worked. I walked in and she ran to me, boiling over with excitement. "Karly, come!" All the kids around her stared as she began explaining who I was in German. Her close girlfriends that already knew me made sure to give me big hugs and grab my hand or arm whenever possible while they jumped up and down. As I walked into the classroom the teacher came up to me and said hi, then I sat down with Jojo in her chair. As we pulled out her books the teacher said, "Today we will have less book work because we have an interview today!" All I can say is that I was glad it was a class of 9 year olds because I don't like being put on the spot like that! A few of the girls came over to me and gave me drawings. (One of my favorites said, "Hellow Karley") Each child had a piece of paper with which they had colored various designs and written at the top, "Interview with Karly." I stood in front of the class and answered various questions, phrased very carefully and sometimes difficult to understand! They were so darling. Johanna made sure to speak plenty of English with me so everyone could listen to her. She was simply the cutest. All in all, not what I expected but such a blessing! I can't say I didn't enjoy an entire class of 9 year old German children gushing over me, because I did. It was GREAT!!!


This afternoon I played soccer with Gereon and his friend and get this!!! - I wasn't terrible. It was strange. I might have ducked from the ball quite a few times and screamed a lot but I was holding my own against two 11 year old boys! I happen to be very proud of that, laugh if you must. I have never been good at sports and unfortunately I'm not one of those girls who is cute when they're bad. I just annoy everyone around me and I am tragically aware of it. Maybe this summer Gereon will kick me into shape? Get it? Kick! I wish Boogie was here to laugh even though it isn't funny.


Tomorrow evening I am having my pastor and his wife come to dinner and I'm surprisingly nervous! I'm baking cookies tonight and tomorrow I will be making rosemary and lemon salmon, rice, and steamed broccoli with a lemon-almond butter. I'm keeping it simple, but healthy and well flavored because that's what I love. I hope they also love that. It's always risky not doing something like pizza or something fried but that's just not what I like making! I want to showcase my style which is foods that helps my body, not food that hinders it. But anyways, I would love some prayer that they would like it and the evening would go well. I'm returning to Dusseldorf with them and staying over so I can attend church. I am so happy!


I'm attempting to learn akkusativ and nominativ in class right now and can I just say I want to poke my eyes out? But then I think too hard about it and realize that even without eyes I would still have my brain to learn so then I'd have to get rid of my brain and nothing comes to mind (Mind! Get it?!) so I must plunge headfirst (head... I continue to find this punny) into the grammatiks of the language. I don't want to sound like a troll from lack of grammar.


What I am learning right now is what it means to be humbled before God and submissive to His authority in my life. I'm wrestling with a lot of questions and insecurities and would appreciate prayer. Sometimes I feel so wretched I can't even talk to God. I forget that the very essence of God is love. If you have advice I'd love to hear it. John MacArthur has an incredible message about it at this website, http://www.gty.org/  entitled "Drawing Near to God part 1. 


Katie: sometimes I will sit down on the floor and cry because I want to hang out with you.
Kevin: I always brag about you when I'm describing my family. You've got awesome red hair and freckles and you dress perfectly.
Anna: I tend to describe you as an over-achiever. Also, I hate singing A Cappella. I miss our music sessions. (especially the late at night ones when everyone wanted to cut my throat open to shut me up!)
Shan: I have been telling people your name is Clifford. That's better then Shannon anyways right? You're welcome. 
Mom: I get excited clicking on your emails because you always make me laugh so hard. Your sense of humor gets wackier every day. 
Boogie Marie Willis: Appreciating you is insanely easy. Being halfway around the world only makes it easier. I love you, old bean. (I hope you die first so I don't have to get a tattoo. You would look better in one.)
Grandma: you are in fact the best Grandma there will ever be. You embody everything a Grandma should be and even more! I love eating your power packed cookies and I still remember when I came to visit and was sick on the plane over so when I arrived you had made me soup. Mmm! I'm saving up all the great things you do in my memory so I can be an equally amazing Grandma. Or at least give it a good shot! I love you!


I am watching a show with the children about Kung Fu fighters and now I want to hurt someone in a majestic manner.