I guess that's enough, I hope it is.

Today I want more than anything to write deep and artistic words to describe the pattern of life I currently reside in. But no, today is a blunt, rough, to the point sort of deal, so take it or leave it! I mostly write this for my own forgetful mind anyhow, so who cares if it's beautiful or not? Never mind. I can't pretend I don't love to read beautifully scripted words. I really, really, sincerely do. Yesterday I finished the last few hours of my 20 hour practicum for TEFL. The teacher signed my forms and I biked through the misty rain to the post this morning and sent it away to Illinois. I'm remembering now that I've never mentioned I was doing a TEFL course. Well, turns out I am! August 13th was the day I began my online certification course to learn how to teach English as a second language. I'm working on my final exams and will be finished in a few weeks time. (Thank the Lord! I've never studied so intensely and written so many essays in my LIFE!!! AND on top of German homework!!!) It was really just a whim that developed over about a month and after a few phone calls and some research, I started the course. It has been challenging me more than I'd expected, but the skills I've learned are already so much vaster than I expected. The certification allows me to teach English throughout so many different countries. My dream is to one day teach in Asia somewhere, but I'm interested in Germany as well, simply because I love being here and because I understand their language, it's much easier for me to teach Germans. I can analyze mistakes based on what I know about their own language. The children I did my practicum with were so fun! Once I spoke German with them so they saw I was learning their language, they opened up so much to me and began speaking more English. Helping them learn is one of the most rewarding experiences that I've had and planning lessons (although very time consuming) is a rather joyful experience at the same time! I feel quite accomplished by the end if my work. I have to say, I will miss my 40 minute bike rides to Wassenberg with my English flash cards in my backpack and good music in my ears. Thankfully, the biking and good music part is still possible since my German school started last week. I'm in a class above my level which is intimidating but also pushes me. I think back to when I first started school here and sat through an hour and half class of "gibberish" to my ears. Now I can sit in a class and give feedback and state my opinion. I'm not sure how my brain managed it, but I am grateful. Somedays my brain explodes though. I'd bike to German school where I only speak German, then I'd bike to my practicum where I only speak English, then I bike home where I speak German to the parents and English to the kids, so every turn I take or conversation I have is constantly switched between languages. Good but also damaging to my brain at times. I'm drinking a giant glass of iced green tea in an attempt to appease the guilt and literal nausea I feel from the amount of chips I ate. There's something scary in the ease of reaching for more and more and more and then some more. And now this tea is really just forcing me to get up and use the bathroom more often than I'd like. Sometimes life really shoves it in my face how very human I am. A week or so ago, Jojo asked me to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with her and I obliged, even though we'd been watching it every few days for the past week. We stood in front of the tv, chose a chipmunk and acted out their character. We were dancing and singing and miming the entire movie while we ate ice cream bars, and at one point when Christoph walked in I just had to swallow a laugh and soak in the glorious shame of how utterly ridiculous I looked. Oh the joy of taking care of children. Never a dull or un-humiliating moment to be spoken of. Usually when I put Jojo to bed, I read her stories. She always wants me to be ticklish but thankfully children aren't capable of properly tickling so I've lucked out. But a few nights ago, she somehow discovered what blurpies were and unfortunately for me, I am extremely ticklish from that. She yanked up my shirt and gave me a huge one on my tummy that made me burst into uncontrolled laughter. After that, she had me. It was dark, and all I'd hear was a huge inhale of breath, then 3 seconds later I was dying with more laughter. So much for making her sleepy. My laughs made her laugh and we literally laid in her bed laughing our heads off. Then we would put our heads really close and she'd switch on the light really fast so we could watch each other's pupils get bigger and smaller. At long last, she got sleepy and I laid in the dark thinking about how real I had laughed with her, just like I would with Boogie or Katie when we were hyper and couldn't sleep. It was good for my soul to laugh like that again. Autumn has truly and fully hit Germany and I am loving it. The air is the greatest gift to my skin and the smell of leaves and rain envelop my clothes when I take walks. Somehow the gray skies make me feel light and joyful. I had a gloomy sort of day last week and when it started pouring rain I was very happy to be sad because it was such a complete and perfect sadness. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of things I could be saying that are of importance concerning what I'm doing with my life here, new things that have happened, new things I've learned, and other me-related things but somehow I just want to let the letters keep flying across the page without direction and just get the thoughts out of my head so I can be filled up with new ones. Kind of like a pensieve right? Right. There's been a knot of stress building between my shoulder blades and creeping into my neck and when my eyes open to the dreadful beeping of my alarm, it's the first part of myself I become aware of as I attempt to relax it which only tenses it more. I could stress about my stress but then I think of the redundancy of that action and also of the months earlier when my supposedly unstressed self would start each waking moment with a sharp, long ache that droned eternally through me as I prayed myself to start a day. I'm certainly not homesick for homesickness. As long as that no longer takes over my physical being, stress can take me over any day. Stress doesn't seep into bones, into the soul, into the very heart of self. Stress can be taken off like your make-up after a party. Maybe there's remnants that make you look a little bit like death, but you're clean and you're you again. Did you know sometimes I hide my thoughts even from myself? In order to block my heart from what I am, I suppose. Every human feels this, I know it. But maybe they don't think about it that much. Odd, isn't it? We don't think much about thoughts we don't think about because they sicken us to the core. And the core isn't pretty either. None of it is. None of us are. But we like to pretend and stupidly, we somehow believe each other's prettiness even though we know none of us come close to what pretty is, what beauty is. Only one can portray that. So in a way we're all thieves. We take the idea of beauty and wrap it around our warped selves and glide through life as though we have something no one else has. We all don't have what no one else has. Only one has that what we all ache and long for. My act has grown weary of enveloping me and I looked down one day and saw myself instead of the array of beauty that I tried to steal. I hate looking at it. I want to have the pretend beauty back and love myself even though I'm only loving a thin and wispy ideal that is swept away and leaves me cold and ashamed. If I can't look at me, who could? One does. Just One.

Loosed

Too many weeks have passed since I've let my mind wander into itself. Creep around the twists and bends of thoughts that contract and expand like a rubber band. I find it scary that one can occupy a certain avenue of the brain and only navigate through that single passageway. Yes, many occurrences may occur, but they are all the same avenue, same narrow way that brings no light to the eyes or spark to the imagination. Only a bland and dull light shines through a straight hall and catches no attention or remembrance. When one manages to escape this wretched chasm of straight space, the doorways are infinite and the destinations never-ending. There are no walls, there are no halls. There are open doors with empty air dancing about, just waiting to be shaped and and swirled into memories by the sheer power of thought. Maybe a quick unplanned thought aroused by impulse. Or maybe a deep, well pondered thought that travelled heavily through the mind to arrive at it's peak of creation. These thoughts fill your empty air with emotion and color. They pave the streets walked upon above our eyes and travel through our bodies to fill us with their air, so colored, so painted, so splashed and creviced with emotion. Let your thoughts take you captive. Let them captivate you into an endless freedom.

Even Though

The difficulties in my heart have paled in comparison to the grandeur of the past few days. Through a few nighttime walks about the city, sunny afternoons with the kids and the steadfast love and faithfulness from the Lord, my heart feels worlds lighter! Apart from the normal empty spot where all the people I miss should be. Even my friends in Germany have departed for holiday! Hannah and I happened upon a headphone party at a beach near Essen. We were so astonished at how extremely unsocial it was but after a few hours gave in and grabbed some headphones. It was quite magical out on the sand in the dark with the moon shining above us! And naturally, we met quite a few crazy folks which is always interesting. 

Upon the arrival of my family from their holiday, they had guests the very next evening staying for a few days. Busy busy busy! As always. But I like busy! This family was so wonderful too. They are very musical and after the initial greeting, they walked into the living room and started playing the piano and drums! So I smiled as jazz notes filled my ears. The next day as I was folding some laundry, the dad walked into the room and began to mess around on the piano. Eventually I joined him and we sang together for a while. I felt a rush of warmth come inside of me and then it was gone and I missed Anna.

Friday morning I left with Britta and the kids to Erkelenz so the children could get some new school supplies. After we gathered what they needed from the shop, we stepped out into the sunny streets and began to stroll through the morning market. Jojo found fascination in just about everything she laid her eyes upon, and I couldn't help but smile as her summer dress bounced and twirled around her while she ran to investigate all the excitements spread around us. We found a magic pen that makes the writing invisible unless you shine a light on it, just like one that I used to have as a little girl for my journal so we bought it! She was delighted. At one point, she clung to my arm, rested her head against my shoulder and asked me how long I was staying in Germany. I told her as long as I could and she beamed up at me and replied, "Good." Gereon bought a model airplane to paint and construct and we both looked at each other afterwards as I told him, "Hey Gereon, now you 'have got a hobby!'" We had a good laugh over that. I thought fondly of mom as we walked through the market with our weaved baskets picking out fresh fruits and breads. We even bought a plum cake! The afternoon was bright and sunny so we spent it outside in the garden. We ate Quark with fresh strawberries and the kids played in the pool. During the afternoon I sat outside with them and carved shapes out of "speck stein" (soapstone.) It looks like chalk but it's much softer and by the time we finished, my legs were even whiter than their normal pale complexion. Later in the afternoon, I drank a coffee and ate the plum cake with some cream while the kids continued carving. We also re-did the Olympic games which was funny. Oh! I forgot to mention! I had such perfect meals. Breakfast was the porridge I'd bought in Ireland while I drank coffee out of my O'Loughlin mug. Lunch was the fresh fruit and yogurt from the market and dinner was the fresh bread plus pesto and my favorite cheese. I love days like that!

The kids and I were watching tv on Friday evening. Gereon walked over to the cupboard to look for some chips after Jojo and I finished the pringles he'd wanted. Inside the cupboard is a giant egg about the size of my head that is displayed next to the chips. I don't know why, but it just is. I was watching tv as he opened the cabinet and searched for a few minutes. Then I looked over as he turned around and holding the giant egg in his hands he said, "I guess I'll just eat an egg." I have not laughed so richly since a very long time. Him standing there in his pjs with his spindly legs, holding the egg. It was just took much. 

Late in the evening I took a walk that intensified my love for Germany. It was just dark enough to be magical but not frightening. I love walking on the cobblestones, hearing the leaves rustling, the music from the bars, the otherwise peaceful aura surrounding me, the smell that comes from the vast variety of green everywhere, the ducks crossing the street as I walked by the pond, passing my favorite tree, hearing the calming chimes of the church bells, the squeaks of the tiny insects, and the peace and charm that expanded inside my heart. All a gift from God. 

Today I will most likely take a bike trip with Christoph and Gereon and afterwards we're grilling some fish out on the terrace. It's windy today but sunny so I'm not too warm but still can enjoy the sunshine. I've spent a lovely weekend with my family and still have the whole of today to continue! Tomorrow starts my studying. :) Woohoo! 

You know, even though I try at times to wallow in struggles or be upset about myself, God pulls me right up and doesn't allow it! He strengthens me continually and pushes me to do better, see clearer, go farther, praise Him through it all. I love Him. 

die Wahrheit

I realized I've been giving Him nothing. Absolutely zero percent of myself. Not to say that I'm not already His. But when I curled up on my couch today and looked up at the ceiling, the words came out from me before I registered what I'd even said. And there's no going back. I know now that it's true. I directed my passion, my love, my joy, my anger, my hurt, my confusion, my generosity all towards anything and everyone except for Him. The one I claim to be deeply in love with. A second realization slipped in while I was processing the first. I'm so afraid to allow myself the fullness of living in His grace because I'm afraid that I don't love Him deeply enough to faithfully follow Him knowing it's nothing I can do to earn Him. It sickens me to say that disgusting truth, but there it is. Bared before my Creator. He saw it all along, far before I did. I am living in a trap of half-hearted love and chained obedience. I want the freedom of intense love and the freedom of deep grace, every single day. I want it. My want is failing me. Terribly. And how does He respond? He provides. Bountifully. I don't doubt His existence. I don't doubt His Word. I don't doubt his wrath. I don't doubt His goodness. I doubt His love. And love...isn't that the one that binds it all together? He IS love, after all. Doubting His love doubts His very essence. And here I sit, all folded up, shut in. Reluctant to unfold myself and risk. Risk the lack of love I might have. Risk the impossibility of the greatest Love imaginable. Risk dropping all my pride and admitting that He is great enough to love me. Because I know He is. He's great enough to love the entire creation. 

That is the reality of where my heart has been the past 2 months. It's humbling for me to write this out. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I would love advice. I know it is one of the steeper, rockier sections of my path to the Lord and He will be faithful to guide me. I'm keeping my eyes on Him. Thinking of you all and missing you, as always.

The Twist

Objectives: 

Escape comfortable habits. 

Work with children. 

See another part of the world. 

Results? 

The embracement of newness that transformed into habits. The indescribable joy of re-living my childhood with two german kids I cherish close to my heart. The bridges crossed, the barriers broken, the explosion of the world before me. It was as if a layer was ripped from my eyes and threw me deep into the criss-crossing roads of life. What I saw before is now seen differently. What I thought before is now thought differently. I learn, love, question, enjoy, explore differently.

Germany has brought many twists and turns, but squinting back to that first day in July of last year, when I clicked the button and bought my one-way ticket, I see the biggest twist Germany brought to my life. I clicked that button so I could search out what it meant to have blood pumping through my veins with the thrill of adventure and the unknown. To appease the gaping chasm filling my heart and churning in my gut. Those two things have indeed happened! No questions there! But the twist I did not ask for and did not expect was that I would fall so deeply in love with this country. Without meaning to, I let Germany wreathe it's way into my heart, soul and life. I have become shaped and altered by the culture I'm surrounded by without losing the core roots of my character. 

During a weekend with the kids, somehow we ended up running through the house with Gereon's drumsticks as our wands and casting spells at each other. After a time, we were running out of Harry Potter words and when I yelled, "sectumsempra" at Gereon, he pointed his wand at me and deflected it with "Nein!" to which I replied, "doch!" The following 15 minutes consisted only of those two spells and eventually we called a truce. 

I'm remembering that day when I burst into tears by the dishwasher and Britta had to talk with me for a good long while before I calmed down. The very next morning I was trying my best to keep my head up instead of break into a million pieces like I wanted! As the children were getting ready to head off to school, Jojo ran over to me jumped right into my arms, giving me a big kiss and exclaiming, "I love you!" before running off to the car. It was one of those moments where I saw the vastness of not only God's love for me but also how intensely He knows my heart and what touches me deepest. 

Gereon and I were cleaning all the legos in his room one day and I was singing along all crazy to the radio. He started laughing at me and eventually said, "You will become a famous rockstar because of how bad you are." That same afternoon, Jojo caught a bug and named it Nova. She has also decided that if I ask her any sort of question that starts with "why" she will respond with, "why not!?" to which I can only laugh at her spunk and spirit. I was in the kitchen one afternoon getting some water and Gereon was standing at the counter scraping his piece of flint rock across his plastic water bottle.  I told him to be careful or it would break. After a few minutes, I looked at him and asked, "Why are you doing that anyways?" to which he replied with a forlorn expression on his face, "I don't have got a hobby." And these stories are the concrete reasons for why I love spending time with the kids.

I experienced the most enriching german conversation in a taxi last week. After telling the driver where I needed to go, I decided to practice my german so I asked him a few questions to get him talking. After he loosened up a bit, we got talking for almost 30 minutes and it was the first time I felt a glimpse of myself in the language as I spoke. I had the tiniest glimmer of a personality in the midst of the grammar and vocabulary limitations. I never faltered in a sentence, I understood everything he spoke, I even interjected sometimes if I had something to add! I felt truer to myself than I have ever felt while speaking german. 


I've been eating my breakfast in the cellar because it's so hot everywhere else. Call me crazy, but I will not enjoy a steaming mug of coffee during breakfast if the sun is shining on me and warm air is stifling me! The fields have been especially breathtaking lately because the corn and wheat are growing and I enjoy the fresh smells and arrays of color. I'm really enjoying this lovely month as Autumn gets closer. :) It's crazy to experience 4 seasons!

Back home with a pocketful of coins but a lifetime of experiences!

Ireland exceeded all I could have imagined it to be. From the first moment I stepped off the plane, it stole my breath. I was caught up in the magic and beauty of the country. I fell in love with every step and let my smile spread wider and wider. I soaked in the unique stories, people and surroundings. 


As I passed through the airport in Dublin, the man checking my passport said to me, "Oh, you're an O'Loughlin? You'll fit in quite well with the Celts here." For once, I had no words, only a grin. The fresh air that hit my face as I stepped into the misty rain brought Alaska to my mind, but that was quickly washed away when I listened to the numerous, beautiful voices of the irish people! Their accents are soul-melting. Kate and I stepped onto a double decker bus and drove out to O'Connell street where our hostel was. After settling in, we went out for a midnight dinner of Subway and I got a free cookie. Dublin is a wondrous city! I found it to be much nicer than I'd expected for a big city. We ate at adorable cafes and enjoyed the soda bread and creamy butter they have here. I almost always ordered soup so I could get the basket of bread! We went to the Guinness Tower and learned how to pour a pint of Guinness. The guy behind the counter asked who wanted to be the demonstrator and after a few awkward moments of silence I thought, "why not?!" and said, "okay, I'll do it!" That was a bucket load of fun and I enjoyed all the details and steps to learn, just for pouring one glass! After everyone else had poured, we sat at the bar and drank our creations. Kate and I started talking to a group of guys from Belgium who spoke Flemish, French, Dutch and English. It was so cool! They invited us to listen to some irish music later that evening so we arranged to see them there. Once we arrived, the music instantly was sensational. After a few hours, the belgians wanted to head to a different bar and reluctantly I followed along. I am SO thankful I did because this bar was crazy. Not only was the band amazing, but the crowd was INSANE!!! They chanted, clapped, and danced around like nothing I've ever seen. I was surrounded by wild irish people and I was loving it. I got right into the thick of it and danced my heart away while chanting and clapping until my hands were raw! They even began to play 500 Miles by The Proclaimers at one point, and I yelled out every lyric. It was a blast. The crowd was so intense that the band had to force them to shut up and leave the bar. 


Sadly, the next day was a sleepy day because we only had about 3 hours to rest before heading to Dingle. The bus ride there was so beautiful that I actually cried. The bright greens, the countryside and the water. It was more than any photo could ever capture or convey. Once we arrived at our hostel, I met some cool people who were also traveling around before heading out with Kate to a little castle and enjoying  a small cove which I fell in love with. Later in the evening, after having dinner, we went to a bar and I had some irish whiskey. Mmm is that good and tasty! The next morning, I went into the village to rent a bike. When I came to the supposed address, it was 2 swinging doors that led into the dirtiest bar I've ever laid my eyes upon. It was 9am and there were 4 or 5 old, mangy men drinking pints of Guinness. They all turned and stared at me  while I stood in the middle of the room, wondering how this could be a place to rent bikes. The bartender told me to go down the street to his friend, and they'd help me there. I gratefully exited but to my dismay could not find where to go! I was determined to get a bike so I marched back in with my head high and asked for help. An especially old guy stood up and said he'd take me there. Then all the men started joking about how I was in terrible danger and I tried to laugh along with them. It rather felt like a movie. Fortunately, Keith (the old guy!) was super sweet and I enjoyed talking with him while he led me to a tiny hole in the wall stuffed with bikes. After renting one out, I began my journey into the cliffs of Ireland! I biked and biked and biked and kept on biking as it rained down on me. I loved it! I experienced the mountains and cliffs while driving on the left side of the road and I eventually wound up so far away from Dingle I couldn't even see where it was. I stood in the ocean, climbed on rocks and ran through the sand while the cold air hit my face. I was overjoyed. On the way home, I stopped at a cafe to have breakfast but it was too late, so I ordered the best Irish Coffee I've had in my life and some seafood chowder. I had to take the creatures out of the shells while I ate the soup! It was so delicious. After my biking venture, I relaxed a bit in the hostel and then Kate and I walked through the town looking at the shops and we ate some ice cream. I sampled honeycomb flavor which was quite spectacular but ended up buying Baileys and Irish Bread flavor. It was awesome! We ended up in a bar listening to some music and I was really craving a spinach pizza. The bartender heard me complaining about it (surprise surprise!!!) and told me that was a disgusting craving and that no one should like spinach on pizza. I defied him and then waltzed out into the night to find a pizza store. I found one but they didn't have any spinach. So I came back defeated and sat back down to complain some more. A few minutes passed and then the bartender came over and murmured, "If you walk down a few streets and turn right there's a bar called Blue Moon and they said they'd make you a spinach pizza." I smiled so big I thought my face might break and then rushed back out to find this place. (Poor Kate had to sit at the bar with my beer and wait for me!) I walked up some stairs and came into another incredibly filthy bar where jazz music was playing and a crazy girl was sitting at the counter hurling random paper mache creations around the room. I walked over to the counter and asked the guy if he'd make me a spinach pizza. As I waited, I sat down and enjoyed the jazz music while taking in the filth of the kitchen where my food was being prepared. I decided not to care. Once I paid, I walked back through the chilly night air with my warm pizza box and then ate it outside of the bar, feeling like a homeless person. Then I  let Kate have some and we ripped the box into tiny pieces so we could throw it into the mini "litter" can that was on the street. We came back in so I could pay for my beer and a middle aged man who had been talking to Kate ended up buying us free drinks while he spoke about any and everything. I was glad to get back home and sleep! 


At one point, Kate and I were walking through Dingle and she saw a shopping cart next to the road. She pointed out that she could get the money for that if she'd take it across the road and stick it in the slots with the other carts. (when you shop here, you put 1 euro in a slot to get your cart out, and then get the euro back when you put the cart away. Germans don't like messes!) But for some odd reason, Katie felt so embarrassed to walk with the shopping cart, so I grabbed it and marched across the road and over to the market to return it and kept the euro all to myself!!! Sometimes I really didn't understand her! :)


While Kate and I were eating dinner in Cashel, I heard an older couple speaking german. I went to the bathroom and when I came out I decided to stop and talk to them. So I spent the next 20 minutes speaking in german with them! It was so fun! I love that about Europe. I'm from America, traveling through Ireland, and meeting people who I can speak in german with. :)


Our bed and breakfast in Cashel was amazing. The lady welcomed us in and put on some hot water for tea while we ate some shortbread. Then she turned the hot water on so we could take showers. :) After the first few nights of hostels, I felt like a queen while I laid in a big cozy bed! I could look out the window into the garden and then the fields beyond. They were out quite a few miles from the city. Needless to say, I slept like a log. The following day I explored through the vast house. The couple had a fair amount of children so the house was quite large and the styling was so fascinating! Very much out of a movie to me. :) In the morning we ate a lovely, homemade irish breakfast consisting of coffee, eggs, bacon, (I refused that nasty bloody something or rather) fresh soda bread, toast with jam, and yoghurt with granola and fresh fruit. Delectable!!! Then we drove out to see the city of Cashel. I didn't want to pay to go in at the Rock of Cashel so instead I wandered around the outside walls and the hills surrounding it. I had quite a blast for no money at all!!! 


I bid farewell to Ireland as the ferry shipped me away through the ocean. It was a bit sad but new adventures were awaiting so I tried to cheer my spirits. Once we arrived at Pembroke Dock, we walked through the silent city and tried to find an atm to exchange our euros for pounds. At one point, I sneezed right as a man walked by my and he said, "bless you" in his lovely british accent. That was my first taste of being in the UK and it made me smile! Once we arrived at the train station we waited. and waited. for so long. Thankfully, a woman began speaking to us and turns out she's a police officer. She began explaining to us all about the gypsy culture and how she is involved in their community. I learned so much! It was fascinating. We talked while a few young gypsy boys played barefoot in the street. It was hard to talk to them because their dialect was so thick. I looked at them playing and saw the chasm of difference between our childhoods. It was like I was walking through a history book when I listened to the lives of these kids!


Once we arrived in England, it was past midnight and we stood in a line outside the train station waiting for a taxi. They kept arriving out of the dark in the midst of the busy city beyond. They were so old fashioned looking and I had such fun when I hopped inside! Our hostel had a very creepy entrance and was also rather creepy inside, but it was a bed to sleep in at least! Really though, not much else. It was really hot and there were a lot of people in the room. I was happy to leave early the next morning to explore London. Kate and I walked through all the famous areas and at one point I walked out across Millennium Bridge and spent 40 minutes listening to some lovely musicians play classical music. It was so peaceful! Kate found a cool bar where we hung out for a while and had dinner. Eventually, a guy came over and gave us a trivia quiz thing. So the whole bar was playing trivia and we ended up somehow getting all the employees on our team! They randomly flocked over to our table and then proceeded to cheat on every answer with their stupid phones. Even then, we only got second place so we had a pitcher of beer to share. They were really funny, and I enjoyed meeting people who had grown up in London. It felt more real and not so touristy. One of the guys moved there from Egypt 2 years ago and it was so fun listening to him explain the culture and the religion that he grew up around.

In conclusion, here is the collection of my favorite word-moments with Kate:


"I love reading light, fluffy literature. It's like eating cotton candy."
"My neck hurts. Man, I should've gone to the dentist!"
"Oh, that was your stomach? I thought that was the train!"

Carried Away

"God wants us to trust him with abandon. Walking in genuine intimacy and full surrender to God takes great faith. Life is comfortable when you separate yourself from people who are different than you. But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if he doesn't come through." - Francis Chan


The last few weeks I've been questioning God big-time on my purpose here in Germany and how I should proceed with my life. All the usual things... wanting to know if I should study german or if I should go home, or if I should go off to college in the states, or study in English somewhere in Europe, etc etc etc. I was praying pushy prayers and trying so desperately to receive a direct path with the end in view. I admit, even now, I want to know. I want to know if I will stay here or not and if my purpose is here or not. But I sometimes highly underestimate how big God is. How much bigger his eyes are than mine. How much greater his purpose is than mine. How he will not stop the work he started in me, and I don't have to try and find what to do because he will lead me there. My job is to follow him in faith. Oh how I wish living the truth was as easy as believing it. 


What struck me today was this: Amidst all the questions whirling in my head, amidst all the homesickness and loneliness, amidst the laughter and the tears, amidst the experiences that fill me with culture or just leave me wanting Alaska, this is what I know: God wanted me out of my comfort zone. He wanted me to leave everything familiar to my heart and soul except him. He wanted me to see that I don't need a single item if I have him. I lived a comfortable life and I liked it. I love my family and I lived with my family. I love to dance and I danced almost every day. I love to sing and I sang constantly with my sister. I love church and I stayed involved with my church. I love a good old steady work schedule and I worked steady hours each week. I was living a comfortable life and I had a comfortable relationship with God. I loved him and I served him but I never put myself out of my comfort zone for him. I worked in the areas I knew and liked. I knew the Lord only as deeply as I knew my comforts. He was not my ultimate comfort. Oh how that has changed. He has deepened my need for him and in turn, my love for him. I'm beginning the journey to actually knowing the Lord, in an intimate way I have never known before. He is helping me set my eyes on him and on eternity. On what truly matters. When he returns, I don't want to see him and shrink back in fear, dreading the words 'I never knew you.'
"And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming." 1 John 2:28


I want to live a radical life for him all my days and take the steps that Jesus took, live the life that Jesus lives, just like he commands. I cannot pretend anymore that my life is about me. It's not about what makes me "happy" whatever that even means. It's about bringing God glory. If he called me to never go back home again, would I trust him? I cannot ignore those sorts of questions anymore. They are forever in the forefront of my mind. If I'm falling deeper in love with my Saviour with each passing day, I should be giving more to him with each of those days because the more in love you fall the more you want to sacrifice. He sacrificed absolutely every part of himself. Will I? 
"Through him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name." - Hebrews 13:15


Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my family in Venlo, Holland. We took a drive into the city and walked around a bit. The buildings are so fascinating to me! It was my first time seeing where we crossed the border since usually I am biking through the woods. We ate delicious french fries and soft ice cream. It was my first time being in a city in Holland. Usually I only bike to a few smaller towns along the border so it was very exciting! On Friday we went to a carnival in Erkelenz with the kids and that was a blast. I got a little bit scared on the ferris wheel, but before you scoff I would just like to say it was very big and it twirled! The kids were simply darling and it brought back so many fair memories from when we went on all the rides together. Saturday was spent at a park/zoo in a town called Jülich and I saw wolves, peacocks with babies strutting through the streets, wild boars, and even baby goats which made me realize I would really truly love to have a baby goat named Peter Pan who stays tiny and adorable forever and ever. We wandered through some underground tunnels in a castle/moat and the kids attempted to scare me around every dark corner. We went down big slides with our jackets wrapped around our waists so we would go at the speed of light. It was frightening. When we got home, we drove over to a friend's house and watched the football game against Portugal. It was the fastest game I have ever seen played. There feet are like blurs! And the noise driving home of all the cars honking (Britta included!) and people yelling victory cries was quite amusing! They've sure got spirit. 


The kids saw the youtube video "Threw it on the ground" or whatever it's called and have been a bit obsessed with it. Jojo woke up this morning, walked down the stairs and as she entered the kitchen, instead of saying good morning she said, "Hey Karly, throw it on the ground!!!" to which I replied, "happy birthday to the ground!!!" And that was our good morning greeting. 


I rode to school in a rainstorm and it was glorious but then the entire class I was freezing and the way home was really quite cold. I should really bring extra clothes from now on! My bed is calling my name and it's becoming harder and harder to ignore. Let the love of Christ transform your life and carry you away into his arms for eternity!!!