Hopefully, hopefully hopefully!

"Thou art my life - I the brook, thou the spring. Because thine eyes are open, I can see; Because thou art thyself, 'tis therefore I am me."
-George MacDonald (Diary of an Old Soul)


I've always been a very confident person. I generally don't crumble down what I think to suit the fancy of others, but instead take pride in what I think and fight to make my points known. If anything, I have to take a step back and be more open to what others have to say. I know who I am and I know what I want. Usually. It's funny (and by funny I mean that it's actually not that funny) because the past 20 months or so, all of that stubbornness, confidence, and assurance dwindled and filtered out of me until I wasn't even sure what I thought about anything in the world, let alone myself. It was a smack in the face that I'd been living through my jaded eyes alone. I'll be honest, I love having confidence and I love knowing what I want! But the Lord has humbled my heart to recognize my daily task of opening my eyes to hear what he has to say and to what others around me have to say with an open mind.

I'm planning a weekend trip over Easter to a town in the north of Germany called "Rostock." I'll be staying with a family that I've never met, but have contact with through the ministry program leader that I've been talking to for the past 7 months or so. They'll be able to meet me and advice which Bible school I should attend as well as discussing the ministry options available in Germany that would suit my personality and strengths. I'm really excited to meet them and see how the Lord unfolds his plans. My tentative ideas at this point are to finish my year as an Au Pair, which will end December 2013. During that time, I will hopefully pass my German exam in May 2013 and have the ability to study here and to have a job. Once January 2014 hits, I'll hopefully begin Bible college immediately and study there until either the summer or another extra semester, totaling about a year. This will prep me to work in any sort of outreach or ministry here in Germany, where speaking the language would be very important, especially in Biblical terms. That said, studying the Bible in German would definitely be a challenge for me if I chose a German course! But isn't it crazy how the Lord leads every little step of our lives? At this point last year, I was struggling about whether I wanted to extend my stay as an Au Pair or go back home to Alaska. I had no idea what I wanted, and now I look back and see how much the Lord has done during that time and my mouth drops open. I never expected any of the things that have happened here. Any of them! Yes, there are still a lot of hopefullys in the next few years! Thankfully, that's where faith comes in, and it will not disappoint. I know that the best place to be is in His will, and that's where I am and where I will stay, through struggles and pains. And I'll come straight out and say that sometimes I really don't want to be in His will. All I want is to be out of it. But those are the moments that define your faith, whether it's a reality or a fanciful notion to make you feel good. There's something about Germany that touches my heart so deeply and unexplainably. The magic of newness never dies. My biggest hopefully is that the Lord will be to stay here for a good while yet.

Thanks to Robert, I'm embarking into the pages of a marvelous book! Here's a section in the beginning that I particularly loved.
"My hope is that we will all continue to struggle. We must never assume that we have arrived. Yet there is no virtue in sheer skepticism. We look with a jaundiced eye at those who are always learning but never coming to a knowledge of the truth. God is delighted with men and women of conviction. Of course, he is concerned that our convictions be according to truth."

1 Peter 5:7

Karneval! Dancing and singing all over the streets, in all the restaurants, clubs and bars, and not a person in sight with normal clothing. Naturally, it's quite a bundle of fun. My weekend was well spent in Cologne and today I watched another "train" (like a parade) in Erkelenz with the kids. During part of the train, I saw the tiger duck! Which was my costume so I was pretty excited. (The tiger duck is a cartoon for kids here.) Now the children are stuffed with scrambled eggs and toast and are watching some tv before bedtime. I've finished washing all my clothes from the weekend that smell like smoke and beer. Not my favorite aroma. Jojo had to air out her costume after our evening in Cologne because it smelled so bad!

Oh how I am going to miss Hannah Easley. She is leaving me in a few weeks and I've been in denial for too long. She was the first person I met right after I prayed for a friend who believes in Jesus. And this past year and a half we've lived through the crazy happenings of venturing in a foreign land together. I'm not sure how I will continue that venture without her sarcastic comments and snide remarks that keep me laughing. Yesterday after church, while we walked through the city to get some lunch, I got so sad and couldn't deny it any longer. I will miss her so dearly.

You know how sometimes it's so difficult to know a person? To feel close to their heart and understand them as much as they understand themselves, or perhaps even more? And then do you know how sometimes it's so easy? Why is that? I'm imagining the people in my head that were so easy for me to know. I quickly understood their heart. And I'm also imagining how that "knowing" compares to the depth of how our Saviour knows us. And it's never difficult for him. He looks at a person and goes straight to their heart. It's displayed all over the gospels whenever he meets people. It's so beautiful, and when I put that comparison in my head, I feel an explosion of warmth at the richness with which he knows me. And not only that, but his knowing is greater than mine, because he created me from the inside out. When my eyes fail me, he is my vision. When my heart fails me, he is my guide. When my strength fails me, he is my rock. When I tilt my head down and see the disaster that's overtaken every aspect of my being, when I see clearly ever error spread all over me, that's when I have to throw down the pride that tears me constantly from him. And then he comes, and he comes with strength, and faithfulness, and great love. He takes care of me gently and sweetly and miraculously. And I never want to live by my own will again, because he is my delight, my glory, and my satisfaction. And this all sounds so wonderful doesn't it? Because it is! And somehow I throw it away again and again for any little obstacle that wraps itself in beauty and lures me in. Who am I kidding, they're not always beautiful. When they're ugly I want them too and I take them. And then it's so difficult to know myself, even just to know myself to the extent that I do, which is faint in comparison to how Jesus knows me. And then my eyes widen in horror that he knows me so well and wonder because he loves me still. He sees what he created me to be, and what I will be when he returns. Complete in him, at rest, whole. My name is written in his book and I am rescued by the only one strong enough to wash away my wrongs and make me right. 'Oh God be my everything, be my delight Be Jesus, my glory, my soul satisfied!'

My heart will choose to say,

Lord, blessed be your name.
Yesterday, I picked a shirt off the floor and told Jojo, "I think this shirt is dirty." She glared at me and replied, "It's not dirty, it's thirty." Words failed me. I also learned how to play chess this week. I'm 21 and I'd never known how to play it. And now I got taught by 2 children describing all the pieces to me with random German words that I didn't know. Life is weird. But I understand the game now!!! I have yet to beat one of them...one time Johanna killed me with one of her pawns. That was a low moment! School is going really well right now. I'm one of the few people who will actually willingly participate in class, so it gives me a good advantage to practice speaking. The weather is starting to be more like spring which is lovely. I don't like wearing all my winter layers while I bike, it's so irritating! My Alaska bike is doing quite well, I just bought a protector for my tires since I've been getting mud sprayed all over my back. And it's so fun finally riding through the fields on it after all the months of riding through those same fields wishing to be on my own bike. It's quite wonderful!!! Oma (Britta's mom) had surgery on her foot so she's staying at our house right now and I have to say, I'm really enjoying her company! I have someone who I can ramble to in German, and I've surprised myself how much I can pull out of my head! This past week I haven't hardly thought in English!!! During my bike ride today, while the rain poured down upon me as I made my way through the muddy fields, I thought back again to August 2011 and what lengths I've come to in understanding and speaking German. Every time I think about my progress (It's not too often) I'm amazed at how much more I have learned than I thought was possible for me. I speak things that I never learned or studied, but just came out because I heard them over and over until I finally understood how to use them myself. It really beats studying out of a book!!! Although I do that too... but I learn so much more from listening and applying then from any book, to be honest. With that said, I'm really pumped right now about the test in May! Let's hope that lasts over the next few months. :) Tomorrow I'm leaving the house at 9am and riding my bike to Holland. I haven't done it since I've been home, and I'm venturing to Roermond, which will take me much longer than my usual destination. It's gonna be an all day biking trip and I'm sooooooo excited! I haven't taken a weekend to myself in a while. I always think that it'll be so sad and lonely, but when I get on my bike and spend time outside, sit at a cafe and read, and walk through a new city and look around, I find high enjoyment in it all! I think that's very important to be comfortable spending quality time alone. So this weekend is looking pretty bright to me. It's odd, because the past month or two have been filled with a lot of sadness that I'm not accustomed to. And somehow I felt that this blog would turn into a serious, thoughtful string of words, but it's completely opposite. As I keep typing, I'm discovering how incredibly blessed I am and it makes me so thankful.

Home & Home

My Alaska time was well spent and richly enjoyed. Slightly fast, but not too short. My plane was early to land and I figured they wouldn't be there yet, so I was walking sadly along, and when I rounded the bend, behold, my family was all standing there. My vision got blurry and I just smiled so big and then it turned into a sob, which turned into complete crying as I kept walking. Something couldn't get me to run to them. I wanted the full enjoyment of the moment, and it truly was like slow motion! Either that, or I walked extra slow. Katie came to me first and we both hugged and cried as any true girl would. It was so unreal to see them after so long. I remember particularly that I made Katie laugh within the first few minutes of my arrival. It's always been this fun challenge for me to get her to laugh, because it's not easy. I mean real, from the gut laughter. And thinking back, I realize that what I said probably wasn't that funny, and it was more of my newness that caused it, but I'll take what I can get. Once I arrived home, I got into my pajamas and they all mocked me and said I looked like an old lady. Oh well, at least I'm a cute one. 
We played many games of Mah Jonng, which I'd dearly missed. I won my first game too! I saw Sienna and she warmed back up to me quite speedily! Whenever she'd come over, she'd yell out my name. She's rather darling. For my birthday, Anna took me out and we bought scotch. I drove her car which terrified me but I managed. Other than that, it was quite relaxed, and mom made me a delicious salmon dinner. The Heinens had given me a special birthday candle to light at my birthday dinner so they'd "be there" with me, and guess what I did? Well, I picked it up to light it, and it slipped and shattered all over the table. Yep, I guess I didn't want them at my party. Boogie managed to fix it as best as possible, but it's forever scarred!!! Boogie's birthday was wonderful. She wore a darling dress and we drank smoothies, listened to good music, bought some alcohol and enjoyed being together like the good old days. And I say days, because literally that's all we've had. Never enough time with her! Christmas was glorious. We had so much fun sitting lazily in our pajamas most of the day and being together. Mom made a yummy breakfast and it was just completely perfect. Later in the afternoon we all got dressed up for the Christmas party that evening. The whole day I was just so happy to be spending time with my family. We had a fun night where I made them all Feuerzangenbowle with the set that the Heinens gave me for my Christmas gift. It was exciting and they all screamed while the fire danced upon the wine! Most of us were smart, and only drank one glass of it, since it's extremely strong, but a few brave ones ventured into a 2nd and perhaps even a 3rd glass... it made the night verrrrry interesting!!! Katie and I spent a weekend at a hotel and we had our special time together that we'd been craving. It was so magical. We were super excited about our room and we ran through the hotel halls, we went swimming, which was really mostly hot tubbing, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden, where we spoiled ourselves, but didn't eat to the point of sickness. The whole time was just perfect. Our conversations were perfect, the atmosphere was perfect, the everything was just perfect. It's not explainable, it only makes sense inside my head as I remember the weekend. We did manage to get into a car accident on the way to church, but were blessed to not be seriously hurt. And we have a special memory from it, despite the scary parts. At the end of my trip, I wasn't quite ready to leave my family, though I was happy to go back home. And now I'm home and I'm happy. But the ache is stronger because now I recognize more how much I miss them and I got used to being with them again. Somehow though, I have hope, and this summer seems to be smiling upon us... 

Sunday evening the 13th when I got home:
As I walked into the house, Gereon was the first one to come out from the kitchen yelling my name and gave me a big hug! Then Britta was there and hugged me, at which point a few tears began to come out, and then as I turned around, Christoph was standing there saying hello with a big grin and hugging me while Jojo ran down the stairs and jumped into my arms. At that point, I could barely talk because I was crying. Britta made chicken curry for dinner while I showed the kids their gifts from Alaska. They loved that, of course. Then they showed me their rooms and the new things they'd gotten from Christmas. Jojo gave me a Christmas present that she'd made for me in school, and then we played the jelly bean uno game that I'd bought for her until dinner time. I sat with them and had a glass of wine while I went over my trip home. At one point, Gereon was complaining about not wanting to pack his school bag for the next morning. As he reached for his water, he suddenly sang out "relax, don't do it"and I about died laughing. I love that even in a different language, he can twist words in songs in such a funny manner. That's talented, truly.
The next morning, Gereon came down the stairs and said, "Karly, smell my sweatshirt" as he tugged it towards my face. He was wearing the new cologne I'd given him! It was sweet. They're all sweet. I smiled when I went to bed and knew that I was beyond blessed.

Tuesday Jan 15th
I walked into the house to get dinner ready and while I set the table, Gereon turned on an ACDC song "Back in Black" with the volume all the way up and played along with his drums. I heard the song about 12 or 13 times and then Jojo started headbanging and air guitaring next to him and it was so hilarious! We had a wrestling match earlier in the living room and she kept biting me! At one point we were both laying on the floor looking at each other and laughing. It was so great. Her and Gereon were impossible to put to bed! Jojo was so wound up and Gereon test sprayed all of his new colognes on his finger so I could smell and approve of them, then Jojo had to do the same with her perfumes and then it escalated as everything with children does and colgone and perfume was sprayed all over the bathroom, hallway and all over me! I still smell it! Finally I got them both to finish brushing their teeth and then I tried to settle Jojo down. The only way I could get her quietly in bed was when she asked if she could do my make up so we made a deal. I  look like a ghost. She took the darkest color and smeared it over and under my eyes. It's ridiculous. And when Christoph got home he played the electric guitar with Gereon's drums to the ACDC song. It was so sweet! And Jojo played her piano song so she wouldn't be left out. I love this family!


Wednesday Jan 16th
I showed Jojo her photo album today and she sat in my lap as we looked through it together. She laughed at some, smiled at others and quoted all the lines I wrote in for her. I read her aloud the big text that I'd written at the front and she gave me a big hug at the end. She really liked it. Later, when Gereon and her played uno with me, he looked through the album and said while he flipped the pages, "Karly, you're cool" and kept looking through. I beamed. :) Later in the afternoon, we all went outside to have a snowball fight and at first we threw back and forth but then it turned into one person standing as a target and the other two taking turns hitting the torso. We had fun with that for a long time and Gereon got me really good a few times in the face! He would walk up to me and shove me and I'd shove back. He got really goofy too and was laughing harder than I've seen from him for a while! Then Jojo and I suddenly became snow police and spoke entirely in Genglisch to Gereon while we chased him. I showed them how to stand under trees while I shook it so the snow fell on them and they loved that. Then we began running around the front and back yard and all over throwing snowball after snowball. We were all panting and eventually we went to get some apfelshorle which we slurped down in a few seconds of silence. Finally, we went inside and Jojo stuck her hands inside my back and it was COLD! While we were playing, Gereon asked Jojo "is there much snow on my hood?" to which she replied, "No, it could be mucher." :) And then when Gereon was trying to put his glove on, we got our snowballs ready and he said, "nein, wait!" I can tell I've been gone for too long!

And then there's today. One word is in my head today. Trust.

7 Days

Finally. It came. SNOW!!! I woke up to a Wegberg coated in that magic powder I love ever so dearly! The snowflakes fell the entire day and the most magical moment for me was when evening hit and the sky darkened. The lights from the city were hazy and when I walked to the train station, it was quiet and peaceful with families trudging over to the ice rink with their tiny children squished onto toboggans. Magical is not even a word powerful enough to capture the moment, and I happen to really love that adjective! On Sunday, during our Christmas party, Johanna and I built a snowman and named him Calvin. Then she said, "Karly, I know something!!!" as she started rolling together a head, and then while she shaped it she said, "We build now a very baby snowboy." And so we built that snowboy and we dubbed him Poopsie. So I have to tell this story because it's just so funny...Christoph and I were doing the dishes after the Christmas party and there was a huge wooden board we were trying to clean in the sink. It was not working so nicely since it was about three times the size of the sink. We'd placed it awkwardly inside and I attempted to scrub it down while he ran water over it with the faucet. As he was spraying water over it, he suddenly jerked the faucet somehow, and it ran water right down my shirt for a good five seconds before he pulled it back quickly and said, "Don't tell anyone that happened!" And I promised I'd tell my dad. We joked about how funny it would've been if my shirt had been white. Thankfully, it was black! 

Yesterday was Gereon's birthday and he was so sweet. The day before, he came over to me shyly and asked, "Um Karly, could you please make your cookies for me with the chocolate in the middle?" Way to break my heart! His party is this weekend and there will be 12 boys here. It will be crazy. Less than a week from now I'll have my suitcase packed and I'll be heading to my friend's house in Düsseldorf so I can leave early Wednesday morning to the airport. :) Dun dun dun!

I mentioned earlier my overwhelming sin. It opens my eyes to what great lengths Jesus went for me! He died for that filth that is me. And I never saw that so beautifully because I never saw myself so ugly. I have seen the evil heart that is inside me and I want a new one. That is my promise from the cross. And that is where I look, and I am clean. Every day, through every thing. That is what I cling to through each struggle and sin and disappointment and every thing in my life. It's the only answer. Despite doubts and questions, it's the only answer.

Spills & Stains

Jojo and I were lying in bed reviewing church holidays for her religion class. We started talking about Martin Luther and I was telling her how amazing it was that he stood up for what he believed to be true about God, even though everyone around him said it was false. I asked her how it would feel if everyone in her school and all her friends and family told her God wasn't real and would she still be able to believe in Him? She thought for a few seconds and then replied, "Yes, I would still believe in God."

Gereon likes to scare me while I'm doing dishes, or walking into rooms, etc etc. He's quite good at it, and yesterday when I walked into the bathroom he came looming out of a corner and yelled which made me yell back. I then tried to explain to him why it's so easy to scare me since I get lost in my thoughts and in the end, this was all I came up with as a pathetic excuse! - "When I don't think about people and then there's people, it's freaky." My English skills are seriously deteriorating.

Miss Johanna asked me, "Karly, what does the word 'possible' mean?" I told her, "It means 'möglich.' Like, is it possible or impossible?" She looked at me for a moment and then smiled in understanding and replied, "Kimpossible!!!" Well, close enough.

Okay, kid stories are ended. I need to step back to the time that my mother was here blessing me with her presence and share a few of our times together. First of all, seeing mom in the midst of my life here was so strange that I actually let a few tears slip! There was one evening right in the beginning when I had to go to the kitchen and wash some dishes so I could be alone to think because it was hitting me so strongly, all the emotions. My mom, who I hadn't seen for 14 months, was now sitting in the living room with the kids, talking and laughing with them and I know it sounds silly, but it felt like I had 2 lives and they had suddenly converged. Oh man, and was she ever hilarious!!! Here a few of my stand out moments with her:
1. We walked into a shop in a town called Erkelenz and the woman at the desk said "Guten Tag." I replied the same back to her and then mom copied me, very confidently. As soon as we walked by her, mom leaned over and murmured to me, "What did I just say?"
2. Mom and I are deciding how to start our first day in Salzburg and how to spend our money. She looks around the city streets for a few seconds, then turns to me and says, "Let's not even eat anything. Let's just drink until we can't stand it anymore."
I missed her humor big time!
3. We're walking along the street in Salzburg and I stop and take a photo of the building in front of us. Mom: "What are you taking a photo of?"
Me: "Whatever I want."
Mom: "Honey, we need to put some liquor in you."

Needless to say, I was laughing a lot!

The past few weeks have been slipping into Christmas mode. The air is cold, snow has attempted to stick a few times, and the lights, music and joy is spreading through Wegberg. It's rather magical. In fact, it's extremely magical. I love the dark mornings and dark evenings. This morning The kids and I received a boot filled with loot from St. Nick. They were standing outside the door waiting for us. It was cute! Jojo's favorite gift was a robot barbie. Gereon's was a James Bond film. :) They are so darling. I drank my first Glühwein of the season last weekend while Jojo sang in her school choir. We walked down with her in the charm of the evening to the city square where they'd set up a stage, a tiny Christmas market with treats and drinks, and a big skating rink for the kids. She stood proud and tall while she sang all the songs she'd been obnoxiously singing in my face all week. Somehow, it was still adorable!
Since a month, I've developed a new friendship with a woman from my school. She comes from Ukraine and is married to a German guy. She lives in Wegberg, so we've been biking to school together and studying together twice a week. It's been a huge blessing to me. She doesn't speak English, so I've sky rocketed my ability to communicate! And it's the first time I've developed a friendship only based on the German language. It's odd and exciting.

You know that section where Paul talks about his flesh taking over him? Sometimes it feels to me as if my sin is spilling out of me, even gushing out of me, and staining my life. Oh grace, you are too good. Grace that is somehow greater than all my sin.

I guess that's enough, I hope it is.

Today I want more than anything to write deep and artistic words to describe the pattern of life I currently reside in. But no, today is a blunt, rough, to the point sort of deal, so take it or leave it! I mostly write this for my own forgetful mind anyhow, so who cares if it's beautiful or not? Never mind. I can't pretend I don't love to read beautifully scripted words. I really, really, sincerely do. Yesterday I finished the last few hours of my 20 hour practicum for TEFL. The teacher signed my forms and I biked through the misty rain to the post this morning and sent it away to Illinois. I'm remembering now that I've never mentioned I was doing a TEFL course. Well, turns out I am! August 13th was the day I began my online certification course to learn how to teach English as a second language. I'm working on my final exams and will be finished in a few weeks time. (Thank the Lord! I've never studied so intensely and written so many essays in my LIFE!!! AND on top of German homework!!!) It was really just a whim that developed over about a month and after a few phone calls and some research, I started the course. It has been challenging me more than I'd expected, but the skills I've learned are already so much vaster than I expected. The certification allows me to teach English throughout so many different countries. My dream is to one day teach in Asia somewhere, but I'm interested in Germany as well, simply because I love being here and because I understand their language, it's much easier for me to teach Germans. I can analyze mistakes based on what I know about their own language. The children I did my practicum with were so fun! Once I spoke German with them so they saw I was learning their language, they opened up so much to me and began speaking more English. Helping them learn is one of the most rewarding experiences that I've had and planning lessons (although very time consuming) is a rather joyful experience at the same time! I feel quite accomplished by the end if my work. I have to say, I will miss my 40 minute bike rides to Wassenberg with my English flash cards in my backpack and good music in my ears. Thankfully, the biking and good music part is still possible since my German school started last week. I'm in a class above my level which is intimidating but also pushes me. I think back to when I first started school here and sat through an hour and half class of "gibberish" to my ears. Now I can sit in a class and give feedback and state my opinion. I'm not sure how my brain managed it, but I am grateful. Somedays my brain explodes though. I'd bike to German school where I only speak German, then I'd bike to my practicum where I only speak English, then I bike home where I speak German to the parents and English to the kids, so every turn I take or conversation I have is constantly switched between languages. Good but also damaging to my brain at times. I'm drinking a giant glass of iced green tea in an attempt to appease the guilt and literal nausea I feel from the amount of chips I ate. There's something scary in the ease of reaching for more and more and more and then some more. And now this tea is really just forcing me to get up and use the bathroom more often than I'd like. Sometimes life really shoves it in my face how very human I am. A week or so ago, Jojo asked me to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with her and I obliged, even though we'd been watching it every few days for the past week. We stood in front of the tv, chose a chipmunk and acted out their character. We were dancing and singing and miming the entire movie while we ate ice cream bars, and at one point when Christoph walked in I just had to swallow a laugh and soak in the glorious shame of how utterly ridiculous I looked. Oh the joy of taking care of children. Never a dull or un-humiliating moment to be spoken of. Usually when I put Jojo to bed, I read her stories. She always wants me to be ticklish but thankfully children aren't capable of properly tickling so I've lucked out. But a few nights ago, she somehow discovered what blurpies were and unfortunately for me, I am extremely ticklish from that. She yanked up my shirt and gave me a huge one on my tummy that made me burst into uncontrolled laughter. After that, she had me. It was dark, and all I'd hear was a huge inhale of breath, then 3 seconds later I was dying with more laughter. So much for making her sleepy. My laughs made her laugh and we literally laid in her bed laughing our heads off. Then we would put our heads really close and she'd switch on the light really fast so we could watch each other's pupils get bigger and smaller. At long last, she got sleepy and I laid in the dark thinking about how real I had laughed with her, just like I would with Boogie or Katie when we were hyper and couldn't sleep. It was good for my soul to laugh like that again. Autumn has truly and fully hit Germany and I am loving it. The air is the greatest gift to my skin and the smell of leaves and rain envelop my clothes when I take walks. Somehow the gray skies make me feel light and joyful. I had a gloomy sort of day last week and when it started pouring rain I was very happy to be sad because it was such a complete and perfect sadness. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of things I could be saying that are of importance concerning what I'm doing with my life here, new things that have happened, new things I've learned, and other me-related things but somehow I just want to let the letters keep flying across the page without direction and just get the thoughts out of my head so I can be filled up with new ones. Kind of like a pensieve right? Right. There's been a knot of stress building between my shoulder blades and creeping into my neck and when my eyes open to the dreadful beeping of my alarm, it's the first part of myself I become aware of as I attempt to relax it which only tenses it more. I could stress about my stress but then I think of the redundancy of that action and also of the months earlier when my supposedly unstressed self would start each waking moment with a sharp, long ache that droned eternally through me as I prayed myself to start a day. I'm certainly not homesick for homesickness. As long as that no longer takes over my physical being, stress can take me over any day. Stress doesn't seep into bones, into the soul, into the very heart of self. Stress can be taken off like your make-up after a party. Maybe there's remnants that make you look a little bit like death, but you're clean and you're you again. Did you know sometimes I hide my thoughts even from myself? In order to block my heart from what I am, I suppose. Every human feels this, I know it. But maybe they don't think about it that much. Odd, isn't it? We don't think much about thoughts we don't think about because they sicken us to the core. And the core isn't pretty either. None of it is. None of us are. But we like to pretend and stupidly, we somehow believe each other's prettiness even though we know none of us come close to what pretty is, what beauty is. Only one can portray that. So in a way we're all thieves. We take the idea of beauty and wrap it around our warped selves and glide through life as though we have something no one else has. We all don't have what no one else has. Only one has that what we all ache and long for. My act has grown weary of enveloping me and I looked down one day and saw myself instead of the array of beauty that I tried to steal. I hate looking at it. I want to have the pretend beauty back and love myself even though I'm only loving a thin and wispy ideal that is swept away and leaves me cold and ashamed. If I can't look at me, who could? One does. Just One.