Oh what I would give

To push out all the lead that's been building in my bones and dragging me along as each day brings me closer to leaving from one home to the other. I battle it every day although I know it's a battle that can't be won. Two completely different worlds it seems. And being in one strips me of my vision for the other. I can't help but adapt. The first few months being in Alaska again were so difficult. I fought through some days, and others I just cried or laid glued to my bed, aching for home, for Germany. I remember similar months back in 2011 when I moved to Germany. Well, that ache began to ease up as I found work, got into a musical, met new people, etc etc. It was beyond what I'd expected and as March rolled around, I realized I was more content then I'd planned on and this was amazing but also not part of the plan I'd organized inside my heart. Now it's going to hurt me to leave and I'd made sure I planned on it not hurting at all. That's what I get for trying to plan and organize my future so precisely. I'm sitting here now, with a swollen mouth, no more wisdom teeth and nothing to do except sleep, so I'm pushing past the exhaustion the pain meds bring on and I'm finally letting myself write out the thoughts that I've held for the past months. I haven't let myself write at all during my time here. I won't let myself because I know that when I begin to write, it all comes out. It's actually quite similar to when I'm speaking and I can't contain any small detail to anyone. But writing accesses a different part of my brain, a more intimate section and I am sometimes scared at what will come out, because I don't always like the truth. I think what hurts me the most is that I know I will get used to missing them all over again. The ones I hold so dear in my heart. I'll stop being sad at the end of my day that I can't tell Boogie about all the little things that made me laugh or smile or cry or anything really. Just being able to be involved in the lives of those I love. It hurts me that the pain will fade. And I'm scared. I'm so scared that I won't succeed. And saying that is so ridiculous, because I know so fully that success is not measured the way the world measures it. And I know that no matter what happens, I can flourish in it and learn from it. So I should not be afraid, yet I am. And I tell myself I will power through and keep going, because I believe in my dreams and the reality of working towards them is always worth it. I'm in the middle of my dreams right now and I believe that is the hardest place. This is the time where I have to work my hardest, give every inch of myself over to doing whatever I need to in order to accomplish my dreams. I'm going to do it. And that's what I convince myself of every time the shadows come and try to erase my passion and my courage. What is life for, if not to live it exactly so? Life can only truly be considered life to me if I feel alive and that comes through pursuing my passion with courage. Okay, my pep talk to myself is finished and now I'm back to reality and my mouth is aching again. Honestly, I'm more sad to leave Alaska than I ever have been. But I can flourish. I have so many joys and adventures awaiting me, and difficulties too. But I accept that and am going to let it come and embrace it all and this will strengthen my vision and fill me with life and I'm not ready for May 20th to come, but it will. And I will step onto that plane with tears pouring down my face and I'll hate myself for leaving again and love myself for going after my dreams. And yes, it's a very confusing feeling to have! But as Howard Therman put it, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." 
And some poetry, as with every post!

March 3rd, 2014
You gouge me out in tiny bits to feast upon my love
Flesh wrapped around your fingertips, you wear me like a glove
The softness of your breath slips out and swallows up my soul
It slowly burns across my chest, raw heat out of control
No definition in the lines criss-crossed throughout my mind
I've prayed to God so many times 
For sight, but I am blind
You scrape across me seamlessly, I'm collecting under your nails
And as you stop to look at me the voice inside me fails
I whisper up into your eyes, "sweet, sweet love where did you go?"
Your lips are silencing my cries; the man I love I do not know

One Side
I came from oceans and miles away
To this strange land of green and grey
My feet took me in a rhythmic glide
And laughter was stitched into my side

A traveler's heart beats wild and free
There is no place where it should be
Yet certain lands retain their mark
And leave inside a lingering spark

I walked upon a crevassed meadow
It deepened my step and darkened my shadow
Breathing the scent of grass and tree
The soil appeared as one with me

But as seasons were swept away in the air
No buds pinched the soil to hear my prayer
My heart flowed with water to quench the land
Returning with failure cupped in my hand

I came home with bruises crushed into my skin
Swollen with lies and colored with sin
Tears stain the corners of crumbling walls
Softening the stones of hope and resolve

These aren't mistakes, the choices I  make
Leading me down a path of disgrace
With dust on my face; pain all over the place
I swallow the grit of the truth I displaced