Oh what I would give

To push out all the lead that's been building in my bones and dragging me along as each day brings me closer to leaving from one home to the other. I battle it every day although I know it's a battle that can't be won. Two completely different worlds it seems. And being in one strips me of my vision for the other. I can't help but adapt. The first few months being in Alaska again were so difficult. I fought through some days, and others I just cried or laid glued to my bed, aching for home, for Germany. I remember similar months back in 2011 when I moved to Germany. Well, that ache began to ease up as I found work, got into a musical, met new people, etc etc. It was beyond what I'd expected and as March rolled around, I realized I was more content then I'd planned on and this was amazing but also not part of the plan I'd organized inside my heart. Now it's going to hurt me to leave and I'd made sure I planned on it not hurting at all. That's what I get for trying to plan and organize my future so precisely. I'm sitting here now, with a swollen mouth, no more wisdom teeth and nothing to do except sleep, so I'm pushing past the exhaustion the pain meds bring on and I'm finally letting myself write out the thoughts that I've held for the past months. I haven't let myself write at all during my time here. I won't let myself because I know that when I begin to write, it all comes out. It's actually quite similar to when I'm speaking and I can't contain any small detail to anyone. But writing accesses a different part of my brain, a more intimate section and I am sometimes scared at what will come out, because I don't always like the truth. I think what hurts me the most is that I know I will get used to missing them all over again. The ones I hold so dear in my heart. I'll stop being sad at the end of my day that I can't tell Boogie about all the little things that made me laugh or smile or cry or anything really. Just being able to be involved in the lives of those I love. It hurts me that the pain will fade. And I'm scared. I'm so scared that I won't succeed. And saying that is so ridiculous, because I know so fully that success is not measured the way the world measures it. And I know that no matter what happens, I can flourish in it and learn from it. So I should not be afraid, yet I am. And I tell myself I will power through and keep going, because I believe in my dreams and the reality of working towards them is always worth it. I'm in the middle of my dreams right now and I believe that is the hardest place. This is the time where I have to work my hardest, give every inch of myself over to doing whatever I need to in order to accomplish my dreams. I'm going to do it. And that's what I convince myself of every time the shadows come and try to erase my passion and my courage. What is life for, if not to live it exactly so? Life can only truly be considered life to me if I feel alive and that comes through pursuing my passion with courage. Okay, my pep talk to myself is finished and now I'm back to reality and my mouth is aching again. Honestly, I'm more sad to leave Alaska than I ever have been. But I can flourish. I have so many joys and adventures awaiting me, and difficulties too. But I accept that and am going to let it come and embrace it all and this will strengthen my vision and fill me with life and I'm not ready for May 20th to come, but it will. And I will step onto that plane with tears pouring down my face and I'll hate myself for leaving again and love myself for going after my dreams. And yes, it's a very confusing feeling to have! But as Howard Therman put it, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." 
And some poetry, as with every post!

March 3rd, 2014
You gouge me out in tiny bits to feast upon my love
Flesh wrapped around your fingertips, you wear me like a glove
The softness of your breath slips out and swallows up my soul
It slowly burns across my chest, raw heat out of control
No definition in the lines criss-crossed throughout my mind
I've prayed to God so many times 
For sight, but I am blind
You scrape across me seamlessly, I'm collecting under your nails
And as you stop to look at me the voice inside me fails
I whisper up into your eyes, "sweet, sweet love where did you go?"
Your lips are silencing my cries; the man I love I do not know

One Side
I came from oceans and miles away
To this strange land of green and grey
My feet took me in a rhythmic glide
And laughter was stitched into my side

A traveler's heart beats wild and free
There is no place where it should be
Yet certain lands retain their mark
And leave inside a lingering spark

I walked upon a crevassed meadow
It deepened my step and darkened my shadow
Breathing the scent of grass and tree
The soil appeared as one with me

But as seasons were swept away in the air
No buds pinched the soil to hear my prayer
My heart flowed with water to quench the land
Returning with failure cupped in my hand

I came home with bruises crushed into my skin
Swollen with lies and colored with sin
Tears stain the corners of crumbling walls
Softening the stones of hope and resolve

These aren't mistakes, the choices I  make
Leading me down a path of disgrace
With dust on my face; pain all over the place
I swallow the grit of the truth I displaced

Drei Tage

Die Zeit vergeht unheimlich schnell... nach 28 Monaten, gehe ich wieder zurück nach Hause in Alaska. Während meiner Zeit in Deutschland, habe ich eine Sprache Prüfung bestanden, eine neue Kultur kennengelernt, und auch noch andere Dinge geschafft. Aber ich komme nicht nur mit etwas in der Hand zurück, sondern auch mit etwas in meinem Herzen. Und das ist am wichtigsten, oder? Obwohl ich in fünf Monaten wieder zurück komme, werde ich meine "zweite Familie" sehr vermissen. Die haben mir die Kultur in Deutschland gezeigt und mich in der Familie Willkommen hießen. Ich weiß immer noch den Moment, als ich Christoph zum ersten mal am Bahnhof gesehen hab und wie er mich angelächelt hat. Genau dann wusste ich, dass diese Familie die richtige Familie für mich wäre... und ich hatte Recht! Ich denke an die Kinder und wie sie mich ganz am Anfang gegrüßt hatten, als ich zum ersten mal da war. Ich kam durch die Tür rein und sie kamen die Treppen runter mit Schlafanzüge an und schaute mich süß und schüchtern an. Die Britta hatte mich umarmt und das war's. Familie. :) Und nun muss ich mich zusammenreißen und mich auf Sonntag vorbereiten! Vor ein paar Tagen, lag die Johanna und ich im Bett und sie hat mich umarmt und leise geflüstert, "Karly, I don't want that you go." Ein paar Tränen kamen aus meinen Augen raus als wir da im Dunkelheit lagen. Dann hat sie gefragt ob ich singen konnte, genau wie ich früher immer gesungen hatte. Ich sang ein paar Weihnachtslieder und danach lag ich eine weile neben ihr und versucht den Moment zu genießen. Wenn ich an Gereon denke, dann merke ich wie er sich geändert hat. Nicht mehr ist er ein kleiner Junge, sondern ein junger Mann. Er ist so witzig, manchmal muss ich einfach nur lachen wenn er etwas sagt. Am Anfang, hatte er Angst vor Englisch sprechen und jetzt spricht er unglaublich viel und hat auch Lust drauf!!! Ich freue mich so sehr für ihn und ich bin stolz auf die beiden und wie gut sie Englisch sprechen können. Ich habe nur geredet und mit den Kindern gespielt. DIE haben super Englisch ganz alleine gelernt! Ich würde sagen, ab nach Alaska mit den beiden!
Deutschland ist wie meine zweite zu Hause und ich freue mich schon auf Mai. Ich danke alle meine Freunden, die ich kennengelernt habe und freue mich auf unseren Wiedersehen. Danke, dass ihr in meinem Leben seid!
Am Sonntag, werde ich bestimmt weinen, aber freuen wird auch dabei sein. Meine Familie habe ich unglaublich viel vermisst und auf die Zeit mit denen endlich wieder zu verbringen freue ich mich riesig. Besonders der Moment wenn ich die alle zum ersten mal sehe. :) Daran muss ich denken und dann geht's mir gut, trotz die traurige Gefühle, die auch dabei sind. Ich verabschiede mich nicht, sondern sage ich nur, "bis dem nächsten mal!"

Gathering

I looked down into my lap yesterday and saw a gathering of experiences shooting out short clips of remembrance. I saw the bus driver who gave me gloves and a hat on my first day of German class because it was winter and he thought I should dress warmer. I saw the ferry that took the Heinens and me to the island of Juist where we sat and played card games. I saw the mailman walking up the driveway delivering my bike to me. I saw myself sitting in the exam room, heart racing, as I scribbled out as many grammatically correct German thoughts as possible into my essay. I saw the children running down the stairs on Christmas eve to open their presents. I saw Britta squeezing me tightly and telling me I was like a daughter to her. I saw the platform in Erkelenz where I stepped out to meet Christoph for the first time and saw him smiling. I saw the rope swing tree next to the River Rhine where I would sit and pray during my first lonely weeks. I saw Memo leaning against a lamppost in Cologne while I nervously shook his hand and stammered out what I hoped was my name. I saw Jojo running over and jumping into my arms and smacking a big kiss on my lips before leaving for school, rescuing me from one of the most homesick mornings ever. I saw myself holding a beer and speaking in broken German to Opa in the garden. I saw Gereon and I playing ping pong while I gave him girl advice. I saw myself sitting on the stairway crying and wanting to go home. I saw my mom standing in the drunkards corner by the train station in Duesseldorf with a bright pink vest and running to hug her after 13 months of her absence. I saw Johanna walking up the church aisle in her first communion dress, glowing. I saw myself biking through fields and forests and villages to Holland and wishing I never had to leave. I saw the map of Europe and the places I'd seen and discovered. I saw how much bigger the world became to me over the past 27 months. 

And now here I am, with an empty flat, suitcases on the ground and sticky notes everywhere reminding me of a day I will love and hate. 23 days from now. It's becoming clearer and more real with each morning that comes. I sit at the lunch table and get sentimental. I work on English homework with the kids and reminisce. I'm cherishing every moment that comes my way with the children and not letting myself think too hard about my emotions. I see a transformation with Gereon and Jojo from two German kids who were sweet, loving and eager to learn my language, into two mini grown ups who see me more as a sister than anything else. And I couldn't desire anything more. I was able to influence so much of their lives and they, in turn, influenced mine. They learned from me and I from them. You know, most Au Pairs don't reference their host families later after they leave. They speak of them kindly, but more as a past experience, a section of their life. As for me, I can't even bring myself to say 'my host family' but instead confuse everyone by referring to them simply as 'my family' because it's the truth. Through some of the best and worst times of my life, they were there. We've seen the worst and best of each other and there have been many moments of annoyance, embarrassment and disappointment. And that's exactly why I can call them family. I think of my family in Alaska and how madly I love them and also how much they make me want to poke my eyes out. That's how it works, isn't it? The blessing it has been to learn how to be live with and be incorporated into a German family is so much more than I imagined. It was not always easy for us to live with each other and work through the cultural differences, but it was a beautiful result. I adapted and I learned and I think they did too. I love them all ever so dearly for all that they have taught me and all the love they've given me and mostly for the amazing and passionate people that they are!!!

So I'm ready now. I'm ready to pack my bags, however sad it is, and fly to my family in Alaska. I'm ready for a new page. My pockets are full but I feel lighter than ever! 

Hands held high

No other way to give them up except to throw them in the air. All my cares. I'm feeling like I first did when I arrived in Germany. Those beginning months where you're scared and sad and feel crazy emotional and not entirely like yourself. Turns out that the last three months and the first three months really aren't all that different. Instead of crying or screaming or pouting (all of which I've tried and it didn't help) I sat down and wrote like a fanatic. Here are some small portions of what spilled out.


Joy.
His paint is brushing across her skin
Coloring each crevice and curve of her body with elegance and ease
Slivers of light gleam daintily through the panes of her eyes
And she cries, she cries.
He is bright, he brings light to her form
Shadowing in the corners of her soul
Erasing errors with a gentle stroke
Swirls of color rush across her 
And she cries, she cries.
Alive inside the wild streaks of blues and golds
Her tears fall freely and fully 
Colored drops fall from her skin to his 
Coating him in his art, his love
And he cries, he cries.



Maybe I'm teetering on the edge of your grace
I tighten my face
You can lower my place, just don't take grace
The splendor of the heavens could be dim lit for me
I don't need to see
All that I plea is don't take grace
Hell's fire could tickle the soles of my feet
I don't mind the heat
As long as I leap up into your grace
But I don't understand, I don't understand
Do we all fit in your hand?
Tell me you can, tell me your plan
Please be bigger than I am.

Observations
I have a wild heart and I don't always do things the way others think I should. Sometimes I'm a fool, sometimes I'm stubborn, sometimes I care way too much of how others think of me. And sometimes I don't know the reason why I get up every morning and live. I don't know what keeps me breathing. Suppose it was hope. If I didn't hope for the next breath I would not take it. Each breath is a tiny fulfilled hope. I have to believe just to breathe. But hopes are not just tiny. There are bigger ones like hoping for a pleasant day or hoping for the strength to conquer a struggle or hoping for the mastering of a skill and those hopes keep us breathing in and out. So if I can have small hope and big hope, what about eternal hope? Because we all know that at any time our next breath won't come. At one point all of us will have that hope fail us. But there must be an eternal hope, one that all the other hopes were built upon, were formed out of. I hold this eternal hope that strengthens all the smaller hopes within the expansion of my lungs. A hope that there is more than this life. The hope that all the constrictions in my heart and strains on my soul will be lifted. Hope for that emptiness in my eyes to be filled and the questions in my mind to be at rest. With every breath I'm hoping for Love to come for me and smooth my every crease that I may finally have life.

Clings to the tree, bound but free; green
Loosens hold, doesn't want to be told; gold
Twirls to the ground, flutters down; brown
We are all leaves.

Expressions

Senses

I see a dying world; in need. 
I see a search for comfort; in religion.
There is a craving to know it all; in vain.
There is a perception of weakness; in reliance. 
I hear wails and cries of the lonely; they seek.
I hear haughty scoffs and higher thoughts; they devour.
There is a ruler within; him or me.
There is a truth; bound or free.
I taste a war; bleeding hearts.
I taste an evil; fiery darts.
There is a way; victory.
There is a fall; sinfully.
I smell a fear; it grips on tight.
I smell a love; it brings on light.
There is a sorrow; alive in sleep.
There is an ache; pressing deep.
I touch a shaking shoulder; surrender.
I touch a tear-stained cheek; grace.
There is a reason; faithfully.
There is a cure; entirely. 
Listen.




July 2nd, 2013
She pressed her cheek against his chest
And let him lay her down to rest
The sweetness of her sleeping form
Curled up inside his loving arms
This girl has beauty time can't age
He opened the act upon her stage
Of life, she has life
He has taken her strife
She is pure, she is free
Longing tugs inside me
Prick and prod and bleed me out
A reddened drop for every doubt
Of hope
I have none in my veins
Too late
Time and sin stole him away.

June 23rd, 2013
Bending whispers through the trees, you stir a restlessness in me. A look around cannot recall a world without you standing tall. You throw down glimpses of your love, there is no need to look above. You are everything I see, I am at peace; you are in me.

July 2nd, 2013

Years will not change the heart in me that pulses with emotion and fills me to the brim and pushes out of me all the joys and tears and delicate things that remain trapped in the hard hearts of those ashamed to spill torrents of passion and let the tears join in the waterfall of life pouring from their souls as they feel feel feel and never dry out, except they have this fear clogging their throat, their eyes and their heart and release is ever distancing as they dry up in their dusty shells of bodies and this is why I can't be unthankful for any abundance of any flood of feeling, for in that flow I am free and alive and my heart beats bigger with every drop of emotion I spill to the world and for you.

July 8th, 2013
Let your blood heal my soul
Clean my heart, fill the hole
Cover me Jesus with your wings
Every effort on you I fling
Sin is dead, you live in me
My All in All, great Mystery.

Loser loser pumpkin eater!

Sometimes Johanna cheats in games and that really makes me crazy. So I call her a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. And she really loves that so much that she cheats much more frequently! She has also incorporated it into many of her day to day conversations except in strange ways, like loser loser pumpkin eater and loser eater pumpkin cheater. I try not to laugh, but it is actually really funny. Today we were hanging out in the garden and I taught her how to do a handstand and a cartwheel. It was sweet. She listened so well to all the instructions I gave her on her form and within 30 minutes had mastered both skills! And Gereon learned the word skill today in his vocabulary. He is also able to ask me for a napkin now instead of a serviette! After only 18 months of me drilling the word into his brain! But really, I'm so proud. I've been teaching Jojo some silly phrases and some of our current favorites are "are you ready to rumble?" and "That's how that cookie crumbles." Her saying those in her accent are quite indescribably hilarious. We also say wicked now instead of cool. Today we were trying to move a spider from the terrace to the grass but he didn't want to go and after a few minutes Jojo crushed him with a stick. I told her that he was now in spider heaven. That got us on the subject of animals in heaven and I was raving excitedly about how wonderful it will be to snuggle up with lions and not have them eat you. She got so excited during our conversation that after a moment of silent she stares into the distance and says, "I want to die now." Soooo I guess I should be a bit less excited about heaven! ;) She was learning how to ride her unicycle today and my arms are red and worn from her death gripping them. When cars would pass we stopped and made cool poses on the side of the road together. It made me miss Kristen. While we walked up the drive way she says to me, "Karly you can take this Einrad now" and tried to hand me the unicycle. I replied, "No you are a big girl. And you have big hands that can carry that big unicycle over to that big porch." We walk in silence for a moment and then she says, "That is much of big." Ah man, I love her. And now I have to relate all the other ridiculous words that came to pass this week:

While I'm chasing Jojo in order to tickle her:
"You can run but you can't hide." - Me
"You can poop and fart." - Jojo

As I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher:
"Nasty, I just got tea on my socks!" 
"You are so ew." - Gereon

The kids and I built a swing where the hammock used to be. We were having a jumping competition and as Jojo began her turn, Gereon grabbed the ropes and yelled hysterically to me, "Karly, we must anschubsen her!" 

"I'm too good for my world." - Gereon

I'm officially signed up for the B2 German Language Test next month!!! I'm ridiculously nervous. And there's no going back or else I pay 200 euros. God help me! 

We're all the same; we need your love.

The kids have been slaying me with their ridiculous sentences the past few weeks. I literally start laughing so hard I can't breathe and then I run and grab a sticky note so I won't forget it! Here is my collection from the past weeks:

A conversation with Gereon about Call of Duty, while I interjected with the English words the entire time he spoke: "There was an Ecke and I stood in it and a man was in the middle and then I drücken all the Knopfen and messered him!" (corner, pushed, buttons, knifed)

"Karly, how much do you wieg?" - Jojo (weigh)

When I began to beat Jojo in chess:
"What now, brown cow!"  - Me 
"I'm not brown." - Jojo "
But you're a cow?" - Me

Discussing her sugar addictions.
"Not good things gleich yummy!" - Jojo (equals)

"One time we retten ein Eichhörnchen." - Jojo (saved a squirrel) 

"I don't can beschreiben that!" - Jojo (describe)

"I must vertraue you now." - Jojo (trust)

"Look at all the Schmetterlinge! There's one, and there's two. They are all over." - Gereon

And with their German accents, it's really just so indescribably darling.

I read the book of Hosea last week and it's the first time I've read continuously through it in one sitting. It's so saddening to read. The sorrow of the Lord at the rejection from his beloved people is so emotional. He calls them to Him and longs that they long to know Him. In chapter 6 verse 3 it says, "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord." And in chapter 7 verse 14 it says, "They do not cry to me from the heart, but they wail upon their beds." I found that so intense, because as fallen people, we desperately need God and crave His love, but we so often don't choose it. We sit in our sorrow and pain and don't turn our hearts to Him. He wants a relationship with us and we're always choosing everything else that lies before our eyes, these things that never satisfy. They never ever satisfy. And Jesus satisfies and He loves you and calls to you in your pain to run to Him and trust Him. What a fallen people we are to reject Him. Sweet, sweet grace, how thankful I am for you! My heart cannot choose Him on my own; He is my Helper and Redeemer. And He will never stop the work He started in me!!! Philippians 1:6 - "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 
And now to speak of evil... I think people define evil sometimes very broadly or only in headline news stories or only when they've personally been deeply hurt by evil. But evil is more than that isn't it? It's sometimes little and sometimes fun and pretty easy and sometimes it seems very good. And sometimes it seems non-existent, because let's face it: the world is quite often really quite a blast and it's easy to be very happy in it. It's definitely black and white, but we tend to let the white be how we see the world instead of the black. For me personally, I don't always register the hugeness and deepness and broadness of evil and how it can devour anything in it's path. I was reading an article about this man who'd been doing illegal abortions and as I read through the stories I burst into tears and felt the power of evil in this world. I was sickened by evil, I felt deep sorrow for evil and I didn't understand how God could love that man through it all. And then I remembered a very very sad thing that humbled me profoundly. The same evil that pumps through his veins pumps through mine. I have the same capabilities to produce evil as he does. We have wicked hearts that need a cure. I sat there crying out to God and asking why this happened and if justice would come to the poor babies who were killed within seconds of finding life and breath outside of the womb. And in my frustration, I remembered a few verses in Psalm 37: "He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" And I trust that the Lord will bring justice to every evil thing that has happened here and will happen and is happening right now. Evil that I've done and evil that everyone else does. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But he is faithful and just and He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And slowly, my crying turned into a sober understanding of what is to come and how exquisitely precious it will be to see justice brought to evil and tears turned to laughter, sorrow turned to joy, the dead souls brought to life in Christ Jesus. Praise the Lord for this!!!

I never thought I'd be someone to speak of the weather, but SPRING IS HERE!!! And how glorious it feels to breathe in the fresh, warm, sweetly scented air! I biked through it this morning to get bread for Gereon and I (we're alone today!) and I couldn't stop smiling, even up the hills! The birds are chirping everywhere, the flowers are blooming, the grass is continuously greener and I'm wearing tank tops again. It's a good thing. Yesterday I biked to Holland and the blue skies poured sunshine down on my back! I enjoyed being sweaty, simply because it was so new to feel so warm outside again. I don't know if it's just the weather, or what, but I have had a heart overflowing with thankfulness and joy. And usually it's always a battle to not get sucked into the whirlpool of dissatisfaction and irritation, etc etc. But lately I've had this joy I can't get rid of! And oddly enough, I'm really thankful that the Lord is blessing me with a thankful heart! It's beautiful, how when you truly and completely open yourself up to let Him in, He comes immediately and works strongly inside of you. And naturally, what's inside begins to pour out of you and surround your life. It's amazing to be in His embrace.